Transition....New Chapters....Denial

It has been a while since I have written here.  Not because I don't have anything to say...far from it.  In my dashboard are multiple drafts of our life events that never get published...I don't even have a good reason why.

But here we are...August 2016.  Michael returned home from his mission just a couple months ago.  Neil graduated a few weeks before that.

Now in a few days they will start heading off to college.  These two boys.  I am not ready.  Let me write that again, I am not ready.

I am excited for them but my mama heart breaks as I think about them being away from me.  Sleeping under a different roof.  Why did time have to go so fast?  Kevin and I have raised them the best way we knew how.  They are great young men.  They have, this far in life, made good decisions.  I know this is how life goes but I just am not ready.

It won't matter if I'm ready, they are embarking on this new journey.  I thought it would be easier having them head off to college considering I have already sent one boy off for two years.  But having Michael come home and fall back perfectly into the fold of our family has gotten me too comfortable.

Why is this so hard?  Why is it making me cry and have that deep ache in my chest to see my boys start the next phase of their lives?

As I laid sobbing in bed, enfolded in Kevin's arms last week, he reminded me that Heavenly Father knows how I feel.  After all, He has sent His children away to learn and to grow.   That thought does bring me comfort and also strengthens me.

Remember friends, time goes by so fast.  One minute they are tiny babies and the next they are grown men.  Cherish the moments.

I Am Doing Great!

Today my heart is full.  I love Sabbath Days when I come  home from church not only feeling uplifted but charged up to work harder to and do better!  We had so many good talks at church and then I had the opportunity to teach the last hour.  I feel like that lesson was meant for me and not really the girls I was teaching.

I love how each week when I go to church people ask me how Michael is doing and how I am doing.  I feel so proud to say with sincerity that I am doing good.  I really am doing well.  I really had no idea how I would be when Michael left but aside from the first day when our entire family was an emotional mess and another random day where I just missed him, I am doing great.  I realized right from his first email that he is happy to be where he is and that he is exactly where he is supposed to be.  He is serving the Lord and I just can't be sad about it.  I believe these feelings of peace and happiness are a big blessing from my Heavenly Father. 

Don't get me wrong, I miss Michael but I don't ache for him and I feel so lucky.  I know that our entire family has been affected by him leaving because we love him but we are happy for him.  We love to read his emails and imagine him writing them.  I love the pictures he sends and most of all I just love that he felt so strongly that this is what he was supposed to do.

We were a happy family before we made the decision to strengthen our relationship with our Savior but we are so much happier now.  I am eternally grateful for the two young men who sacrificed two years of their life to find us and so many others.  I cannot be selfish and be sad that my son wants to go out and teach others about our Savior's love and bring them unto Him.  This is the greatest act of paying it forward and I must have a willing heart and I do!

There are true blessings when you have a child out serving the Lord.  I have already seen them in just this short amount of time.  One thing I started since he left is a small blessings journal.  I am trying to keep track of little blessings.  Simple things like the fact that someone thought of our family for tickets to a concert or the willingness of more people than were needed to help transport some of the youth in our church.  I want to make sure I recognize ALL the things that my Father in Heaven blesses me with.

I can't express how humbled I feel by this experience so far.  If this first month is any indication of how the next 23 months will be, I know that we will be okay.  I'm not naive enough to believe we won't have hard moments or tribulation but because we know that this is part of Heavenly Father's plan, we know we can get through it!

I am so proud of Michael, my heart is full and our family is blessed.  Next time you ask me how I'm doing, please believe me when I say that I am doing GREAT!

"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth." 3 John 1:4

Michael's Missionary Name Tags

It's Hard to Let Go

I cried this morning.  And I cried yesterday morning too.  I probably cry every day.  Not horrible, sad, depressing tears (though my first three sentences probably make me sound quite pathetic).  In less than two weeks Michael graduates from high school and in just over a month he heads off on his mission. 

I really am happy and excited for him as he heads into this next chapter in his life but I am also somewhat sad to see this chapter in our lives close.  I know that as he leaves, the dynamics of our lives changes forever.  I am proud of who he is and the path he has chosen for his life but I am sad that I won't get to talk to him everyday and I won't get to see him everyday.

I will miss him and his brothers laughing and fighting.  Some days I think I'm ready and then later as I catch myself gazing at him and smiling at memories and then the tears come.

This whole cycle of life kind of sucks sometimes.  I'm not ready to let go...but I will.

The Best Job I Never Wanted

Today I was asked at church to bear my testimony on motherhood.  I readily agreed thinking that it was an easy topic to talk briefly about.  I mean, I'm a mom and I love it!  How hard could it be to stand up and bear witness of that?  As I waited for the time to come when I would go up and talk about what it was like to be a mom, I felt pretty confident in what I was going to say.  I was going to talk about how much I love my boys and  how I love being a stay at home mom and then I would end it.  All the way up to the pulpit I was thinking it would be short and sweet.

As I begin to speak, the words that came out were not what I had in mind!  I shared some very personal things that I have spoken about in Relief Society but not in front of the whole congregation.  I was somewhat surprised at how honest I was about the fact that I never wanted to be a mom or a wife and the reasons why.  I cried as I talked about the fear I had and how I was still unsure of myself at times.

When I got home, I reflected on what I shared and I felt so blessed to be able to stand in front of my ward family and share that I knew that my Heavenly Father loved me because he blessed me with these three amazing spirits to take care of.  I am humbled to know that He trusts me to take care of His children and to do the best I can to get them back to Him.  I feel so grateful that even when my husband is 6800 miles away and 14 hours ahead of me that I know I am not raising these kids alone, that my Heavenly Father is always walking right along side of me.

This motherhood gig is the hardest thing I have ever done and yet the most rewarding.  I honestly smile everyday when I think of my kids.  I love the random conversations we have, the silly looks they give me and I especially love when they call me mama.

My prayer for them is that they know how much I love them and that I will always do whatever I can to be their biggest advocate.

I'm so glad that the Lord knew me better than I thought I knew myself when He sent these sweet spirits down to me.  Motherhood is the best job I never wanted.

Canceled Hotel Reservations

I didn't know canceling a hotel reservation could be so hard.  We always try to book hotels well in advance for big tournaments because when we travel as far as we do, you have to book early.  I had reservations made for all three state series tournaments months in advance.  This morning, I called to cancel the reservations for next few weeks.

Yesterday was our district tournament for club wrestling.  We knew going in that it was going to be a tough road for Daniel to get to state as he had a pretty full bracket.  He has struggled this year, being in the bottom of his bracket as one of the youngest kids so we knew he was going to have to fight really hard.  And he fought his little heart out and still came up just short.  The top six of each bracket got to move on to regionals and Daniel finished 7th.

I cannot begin to tell you how my heart broke after his 4th match and second loss that would end his journey to state.  I couldn't even go near him, I had to let him go off and cry alone and with his brother.  I knew there was nothing I could say in that moment that would make him feel better.  I knew that because in that moment, there was nothing that anyone could say to me to make me feel better.  I was pretty heartbroken for him.  I wanted to cry and I held it in for a while.

It really sucked because I was taking the money and preparing our club roster to turn in with the names of the kids who would be advancing.  It was a bitter pill to swallow as I wrote down kids who didn't win a match that day but still got to advance because there were less than six kids in their bracket.  It took me quite a while before I could cross Daniel's name of the roster and when I did, I cried.  It simply sucks when your kid has to learn that sometimes like just isn't fair.

That being said, I am so proud of Daniel!  He never stopped working hard this season.  He never mentioned the word quit.  Yes, he had some very disappointing tournaments but unlike some of the kids we know...he didn't just stop coming because he lost, he kept going back!  He tried his best and he poured his soul into every match.  No one can deny that Daniel has heart and if that had been enough, he would be on the medal stand at state.

 
I also love that Daniel supported his team so well.  He was always going and watching other kids and cheering them on.  I wish more of the kids on our team would do that for each other but I'm so grateful for Daniel and his desire to be a good teammate.  I also love that he always wanted to hug the kids that he beat.  He always walked them off the mat telling them what a good job they did.  It makes me proud to know that he has good sportsmanship.

 

Overall, yesterday was pretty crappy but Daniel has nothing to be ashamed of.  He had a great season with some awesome matches, some heartbreaking losses and lots of heart and determination.  It was painful calling up the hotel and canceling our reservation for the next round, but at the same time I figure I'll just put that money in savings for next year when Daniel makes it all the way to state! 

Here's a short highlight reel of Daniel's season!

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
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Not So Little, Not Quite Grown

My sweet 11 year-old is at such an an awkward age.  He has spent most of his life trying to keep up with his older brothers and that has made him much more mature in some ways and yet he's still very much a little boy in other ways.

He really misses his daddy and that's when the little boy in him really comes out.  His feelings get hurt a little more easily right now and he still likes to cuddle with his mommy for some extra love and reassurance.  Today I went out with him and we got a little treat and spent some time together just talking.  Tomorrow he heads off to the new 6th Grade Center they built and he told me he was a little nervous.  He doesn't know why, he just is.  He'll be riding the bus with some big kids.  He said he'll be okay because he has one of Neil's friends riding the bus too.  (My older boys attend Seminary before school, so they don't ride the bus).

I look at this wonderful little boy and I see some vulnerability in him and I want to keep him home with me forever.  But I know I can't.  He has lots of friends to see at school tomorrow and their school is amazing.  He has the same teacher that Neil had for 6th grade so he has comfort in that.  I promised him I'd be a part of the PTO (I'm still amazed I said yes to that!) and volunteer at his school.  I love that my boys still want me around as they grow older in their schools.  Kevin has never been home for a first day of school and for some reason that has been really hard on my boys.  It bothers them more than birthdays and other holidays.  I think that adds to the emotions that Daniel has been feeling the past few days.

I know he is still settling into his own routine with his dad gone.  Every day he asks me, "How many more days until my dad comes home?".  Everyday I have to recalculate it in my head (not sure why I just can't remember!).  Today one of our dear friends gave us this cute little chalkboard and Daniel LOVES it.  He has it in his room and he already filled out the number.  I have no doubt that he'll keep it updated.

I'm sad to see my baby growing up, but I feel so grateful when I catch the glimpses of the little boy that is still inside of him. 

I still love this picture that my sweet friend Amanda took the day Kevin left.

Homemade Love

Tonight was the first football game of the season for our Varsity football team.  We of course went because Michael plays in the band that performs throughout the game and also to support the team.  Neil helped out with selling Dipping Dots ice cream with the wrestling team.

After the game, Neil asked me if a friend of his could spend the night.  I said sure.  Neil was so fun tonight.  Lately he has been kind of moody and quiet but tonight he was talkative and just happy.  He said his adrenalin was rushing after a pretty intense game (and it was, we won in the last minute and a half!).
When we got home he was getting snacks for him and his friend and he was so cute.  He was asking his friend if he wanted homemade salsa that I canned.  The kid said, "Yes, I'm hispanic!" lol.  Then for some reason they started talking about pickles and Neil says, oh you have to try these pickles my  mom made, they are awesome!  Out came a jar of dill pickles I made a few weeks ago.  As they were getting their chips and salsa situated, Neil's friend noticed the bags of croutons I made last week and asked if they were homemade.  Neil said yes but what he said after that is what really made me smile (and almost cry).  He said, "My mom makes so many things homemade, it's awesome!".  His friend replied, "That is really cool."
My kids are pretty good about showing gratitude for my efforts but I love when they still think I'm awesome even when their friends are around.

I love my boys and love doing these small things that may not seem like much for others but that matter to my boys.  I am so grateful for these tender moments.

Me & Neil

One Week Down: Personal Revelation

KLSmith Photography

Have you ever just glanced at your kids and thought...I really love them!  I found myself doing that at church today and felt completely overwhelmed at the feelings in my heart.  It's been a rough week for us.  We're not falling apart by any  means, but trying to figure out our new normal is taking a bit of time.

I was trying to figure out why this transition was so difficult this time around.  In the past it wasn't so hard.  I started wondering if it was because the kids were older, was it because we are busier?  What was making this so hard?  I'm an over analyzer, I will dwell on it forever until I figure out my answer or at least get something that appeases me for the moment.  It was really bothering me.  I finally figured it out this morning.  Not having Kevin around this past week was HUGE, it was very obvious.  In the past, Kevin has not been home much at all.  Between field exercises, deployment, drill sergeant duty and just regular work, he was rarely home.  We went over 6 years without a 4-day weekend (I promise, I'm not exaggerating).  The past three years have been such a blessing, I considered myself pretty spoiled by Army wife standards in the respect of how much time we had with Kevin.  He had leadership who really let him focus on his family.  He was available, physically and emotionally.  Something that took us a year to get used to (2010 was a bit rough for us).  Once we figured out the balance, we were able to enjoy being a family.

Daniel was without his dad for almost all of the first eight years of his life.  The past three years have really helped him bond with his daddy.  If Kevin was somewhere, Daniel wasn't too far behind.  This week has been really rough on him.  It's been trying to find a balance of giving him the compassion he needs without letting too much go without some firm discipline.  I heard a great message today at church that I really feel is an answer to my prayers in regards to how to handle Daniel.  Love him.  It's simple.

Neil handles these things differently.  He does not do change well.  I try hard to just keep him balanced with routine.  With school getting ready to start, that is going to help him so much.  He is not a huge talker and is rather comfortable keeping his emotions to himself.  I respect his boundaries but as a mother I still need to know he's okay.  Sports have been such a blessing for us in regards to him.  He is able to really put all of his energy into what needs to be done in sports.  It's a great venue to channel his emotions through.  I make a lot of exceptions for him in regards to how involved he can be.  I know it will bless him to give him every opportunity to grow as a wrestler and football player because I have received the answers that it will help him overall to become the man I want him to be.  I am grateful for that.

Michael, my sweet Michael.  I am forever grateful for this tender, kind-hearted boy that the Lord blessed me with first.  Kevin and I have tried so hard his entire life to not put the burden of him being the oldest on him.  We never want him to feel that he is expected to be the man of the house while his dad is away.  Michael, however, does that on his own.  He wants so much to help our family in every way he can.  He has such a willing heart to serve our family, his friends and anyone who has need.  He has been such a source of strength for me this week.  His example and his love have been so valuable.  I have been reminded softly by the Spirit to just let him help because it his desire to do so.

As far as for me, I have already received some of the answers as to why this separation was placed in our lives.  During my walks this week, I have really been working on clearing my mind and just thinking.  I normally keep a really busy schedule.  The past three years I have been really involved in our community.  Kevin being home made it easy for me to go out and do what I wanted, it really allowed me the flexibility to go and do.  I am so grateful for that time and have no regrets to the time I committed to doing what I love.  I knew with him leaving I would have to really prioritize and adjust my schedule.  I made the decision to take August off and be with the boys as we transitioned into the next year.  Initially I had a lot of guilt about that.  I felt like I was letting down organizations I had committed my time to.  I won't lie and say I still don't have moments where I feel that way but what I realized this past week is that if an organization can't respect me for prioritizing my family then it's not something I want to be a part of.

My boys aren't fully dependent on me anymore.  They don't need me to feed them, change them or help them with too much in the physical sense but what I realized is that need me to be present for them emotionally.  I have had a great time this past week just being with them.  The small chats on the drives to the store or the smiles I get when they walk past me in the kitchen.  Those are the moments that I am meant to have, those are what is most important right now.  As I was praying silently this morning and doing some repenting over some of my reactions to things that happened this past week out of frustration, I got a very clear message in regards to my boys; be there for them, be present emotionally.

My boys may not be as small as in the picture above and they may not need tending to like required at 1, 4 and 6, but their sweet spirits need lots of nourishing that only I can provide.

I feel like I've really grown this past week.  While I know that this separation will have it's difficult moments, I'm excited to see what else is in store for us individually and as a family.  The Lord truly does provide and He is mindful of us and what we need and for that I am truly grateful.

P.S.  I didn't really update about Kevin's journey in the past week.  Most of it consisted of a long plane ride, lots of walking, lots of waiting...more waiting...more waiting and then oh yes, more waiting.  He is not at his final destination yet and our communication is sparse right now but he is doing well.  We still feel strongly as a couple that this is what the rest of 2012 and most of 2013 is meant to be for us and we look forward to whatever is in store.

Class of 2016!?!?!

Usually my kids are pretty obedient, really they are, but they do not listen at all when I tell them to STOP growing up so darn fast!  Today Neil came out of his room and he was wearing this shirt.  It stopped me in my tracks.  I asked him where he got it and he said they gave them to all the 8th graders.  Then I asked him who gave him permission to graduate in 2016!  Luckily my kids know I'm a little crazy so he just laughed and walked away.

Seriously, I had a hard enough time sending Michael to high school, now I have to send Neil off too??  I'm going to be a total basket case when Daniel heads off (he still wishes he was born a year later so he could graduate in 2020 instead of 2019).

Just once I'd like for these kids to listen when I tell them to stop growing up so fast! 

P.S.  I'm sure I'm not old enough to be the mother of TWO high-schoolers, am I?

Mother's Day 2012

I think it would shock many people if they knew growing up I never had a desire to be a mother.  When I first found out I was pregnant with Michael, I was overwhelmed.  I was happy and sad and lost and confused all at the same time.  I really felt like I was giving everything up to bring this child into the world.  I admit, I was feeling very selfish at that time and had some resentment towards my unborn child.  I would feel that resentment again when I found out I was expecting Neil.  I knew I wanted more children, I just wasn't happy with the timing, again, it felt like I would be giving everything up to bring this child into the world.  When I made the decision to get out of the Army, it was done with half a heart.  I didn't really want to get out of the Army but I really wanted to be home with my kids.  I wanted the best of both worlds. I was pretty unhappy the first few months I was out of the Army.  I have to say it was probably a good thing my husband was away for most of our time at Fort Riley since  I was a pretty unpleasant person to be around, I had a lot of resentment in my heart.  It took Michael coming up to me and saying that I should just go back into the Army because I was a better Soldier than I was a mommy.  Yes, to this day those words break my heart but they are what I needed to hear.  I made the decision right then that I would change my way of thinking and be the mother my kids deserved.  Since then I have thrown everything into being the best mother I can be.  Sometimes it may mean just getting the kids out the door, sometimes it may be just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner. 
When Kevin and I decided we wanted to have one more child, we thought it would be easy, it was easy to get the other two, we figured we would try and it would happen.  Month after month we were met with a big fat negative on the pregnancy tests.  It was stressful and frustrating.  Going through miscarriage and big loss made me wonder if God was punishing me for the resentment that I had in my heart with the other two boys.  We had finally given up when we found out we were going to have another baby.  We should have been excited, we should have had such joy in our hearts.
As a mother, I often am saddened to admit that I had no joy, only fear when it came to bringing Daniel into the world.  We had wanted another child so badly but had endured so much pain trying and we were scared.  Those first seven months of my pregnancy were difficult for all of us.  We didn't know what to expect.  It wasn't until we were at a point of almost losing him that the motherly instinct I had craved since I gave birth to Michael kicked in.  I would do whatever it took to keep this child.  I pleaded with the Lord and my husband.  I was willing to sacrifice it all to have my child live.
We have all heard parents say, "I love my kids the same but differently."  I never bought into those words, especially growing up when I would accuse my mom of loving my brothers more.  But now...now I know.  I do love my boys the same but differently.  Each one has brought me an education that the others could not provide.  Each one has blessed my life in special ways.  Each one has taught me lessons that I could only learn by mothering them in their own individual ways.
There have been times when I have been on my knees pleading to the Lord, why me...why this trial...I am not strong enough to do right by this child.  I have always found peace in His trust in me.  I am not a perfect mother, I falter often but I know I am the mother that these three boys need. 
Just like that day when I thought we would lose Daniel and I was willing to give all that I had, today...I know that I would give it all for my boys, that I would sacrifice everything that was asked of me in order to protect or provide of my three young men.
I am grateful that the Lord knew better than a stubborn young girl when he blessed me with these amazing human beings.  Sometimes motherhood feels like a thankless job but when I look, truly look at my boys, I know the blessing it really is.

There are many titles that have been thrown at me but none are as special as the title of mommy, it's a title I carry proudly and with much love.

Sick Kid

My kids rarely get sick, for this I feel truly blessed. Because they don't get sick often, when they do feel under the weather, we typically don't give them any medication and let whatever is in their system run it's course usually cutting the recovery time way down. Neil has had a cold for a while. It comes and goes. Some of the other wrestlers are fighting the same thing. I think that because they put their bodies through so much, they haven't really allowed themselves to recover the way they need to. With the big tournaments coming up, the training/practice has increased. We don't allow our boys to starve themselves but they are watching what they eat. They are eating very healthy but I wonder if some days they still aren't getting the calories they need.

Neil woke up Monday feeling terrible. I let him stay home and rest, hoping it would pass. Tuesday he felt better and went to school and wrestling practice. When I got to the school that afternoon he said he felt awful during practice. He also complained about one of the other kids going "too hard". I knew then that he must really not be feeling well because he rarely complains about kids being crazy at practice. Wednesday he woke up and went to school but said he wasn't going to practice because he didn't feel strong enough. I told him that was fine.

I don't want to come across as the parent who pushed their kid through injury or illness but I would be very sad if he had to end his season now as we were rolling into regionals and state because he was sick. He stayed home to allow his body to rest. He's been upping the vitamin C and drinking lots of fluids. We believe in the laying on of hands for healing and a couple of men from our church came last night to leave him with a blessing. I felt so much better afterwards.

It was a rough night, I could see he was miserable even after being given meds. He went to bed fairly early. He was coughing and tossing and turning. About 1 a.m., I could tell the sickness had broke. He was breathing better and he finally fell into a nice sleep with even breathing. He was still a little congested this morning but he looked and said that he felt so much better. He drank some tea with honey and went off to school.

I don't like it when my kids get sick, I often feel so helpless. I am grateful for strong men in our church who come out to help bless a sick child and the faith of that child w hen it comes to the blessing. I know Neil will be okay this weekend and he will continue towards good health and finish his wrestling season strong.

Anxiety

This picture was actually taken a few years ago when I was at my kid's chess tournament. I always had so much anxiety when my kids were in the finals. That is how I am feeling today, it's really quite insane. This weekend my three kids are going to be in different places. Neil and Kevin are on their way to Kansas City for a National Wrestling Tournament (the biggest of his wrestling career so far). That alone is anxiety worthy, but no...Michael is on his way to the other side of the state for a debate tournament. Tomorrow Daniel and I will head about an hour away for a wrestling tournament. I have anxiety for different reasons. One is that we are all in different places, I like being together as a family. Another is for Neil. I know he will do the best he can, I just want him to be successful. Most of the kids he will be wrestling have years of experience on him. I know it's silly but I worry about him and his emotional well-being. I won't be there to watch him. Kevin is a great support system and I know they will be fine, I just hate waiting. Then I worry about which coach will be there for Daniel tomorrow since Kevin is with Neil. Will he have someone who knows him or just someone filling the spot. This will only be the second time Daniel has wrestled with someone else coaching him, will he feel the void?

Michael fortunately is fine on his own and I have no real worries about him. I simply carry Mommy guilt that I'm not there to watch him.

I went and got my hair done hoping it would relax me a bit, it did...for a while. I am going to help out with our USO Game Night and I will forget about myself for a few hours...

Is it Sunday yet?

SAHM = Priority: Kids!

(I thought this picture was cute...found it on the internet)

Our 13 year old is home sick today. There is a nasty bug going around and while my kids are fairly healthy and usually steer clear of these bugs, I knew one of the boys who wrestle would likely get it since it seems to be going around the team. I also knew that once I mentioned to a group of ladies last night at our battalion coffee that my kids never get sick, one of them would!

So this morning when my son walked into my bedroom and told me he just felt awful, I sent him back to bed. I waited until I knew the people I volunteer for would be in the office and I called in to let them know I would not be able to come in and teach. Thankfully I volunteer....key word VOLUNTEER....for wonderful people who know that my family comes first...ALWAYS.

I posted on my FB status that my kid was sick and I would be home all day. I received a message shortly after from someone I vaguely know asking me if I was supposed to teach today. I replied back that yes, I was going to but I would not be able to and the person who is in charge of the program would be teaching (he is fully capable, I mean that's what he gets paid to do). She replied back that she thought my son was old enough to stay home by himself, so why was I staying home with him when I had another obligation. Excuse me?

I know that there are many people in this area who think I actually have a job where I earn wages. I do quite a bit of volunteer work around this community and I am often everywhere. My children go to school full-time and so I take the time they are away from the house and I go in an volunteer. I try hard to always be home with them when they are home and I try to always be there for their various activities, programs, conferences and whatever else might come up.

That is the reason I choose to be a stay-at-home mom. To be here for my kids. I was a working mom and I loved my job, but it was hard for me to be away from them so much or to hope that my bosses could be understanding enough when my kids were sick. Sometimes I had to find someone to watch my sick kids because I HAD to go to work (I was in the Army, you don't just get to choose to not go to work). I just didn't want to do that anymore, I didn't want to be in a position where I had to ask someone permission to take care of my family. I didn't want to be in a position where I had to make a choice.

I feel so blessed to be able to stay at home with my kids, I am grateful that is an option for our family. I know that there are many working mothers out there who balance it all out and I respect them for that. This is the right choice for ME.

My 13 year old may not need me to cuddle him the way a toddler would but he still needs me and I'm grateful that I can be here for him.

I've tackled this topic before in a post I wrote a couple years ago...Maximizing My Potential

I ♥ My Boys

The other night we had our ward Christmas party and I wanted the boys to look somewhat nice (meaning no gym shorts and icky t-shirts which seem to be the norm for a couple of my kids these days!) They all ended up wearing long sleeve shirts and looked so handsome...and so grown. Oh it just puts a slight ache in my heart to watch them growing so fast right before my eyes. I want them to stay little but at the same time I love being able to talk with them and share different experiences with them.

I just love my boys and feel so blessed to have them in my life.

Eye Have Mommy Guilt

Yesterday, the boys and I went to help set up a holiday party for one of our National Guard units here at FLW. If I really wanted to venture off on a totally different tangent, I would tell you how ungrateful and rude certain people there were, but I am just going to let that go and move on.

Anyway, at one point Daniel started telling me that he had something in his eye. I had him flush his eye, I looked and didn't see anything. The medic in the unit checked him out and said he didn't see anything either. I took him home and we flushed his eye with some saline and he told me that it was feeling better.

I decided yesterday would be a good day to take the boys to shop for one another for Christmas so we ventured out, had lunch and then hit the stores. Daniel was okay for a while and then he started complaining again about his eye. I thought it was just irritated from all the rubbing since I looked again and still saw nothing. We walked around Walmart with ice packs hoping to lessen his pain. He was so miserable at one point that we just came home and he laid down and took a nap. When he woke up he told me his eye felt so much better. He showered and when he came out, I could tell his eye was still bothering him.

I asked on FB for some opinions because I was at this point becoming extremely worried and wasn't sure if I was overreacting or not. The consensus was to take him in. I am so glad I did. Come to find out, he had a tiny piece of plastic something embedded in his eyelid and it was scratching his eye. Thankfully, it did not scratch his cornea.

Shortly after we got there, they put some numbing drops in his eye and he felt immediate relief. They put some orange drops in and looked at his eye with a black light and saw the scratches. After that they flipped his eyelid and found the plastic.

He looks like he has serious pink eye today but is doing so much better. I felt so bad for not just going in, thankfully he is okay.

Sometimes as a mom, you just don't know what to do, I'm grateful for people in my life who don't treat me like I'm stupid for asking a simple question.

The Sweetest Name

Today is Mother's Day....

Growing up I never had a strong desire to be a mother. In fact, having children was an after thought when I was going through my life's plans. Well, life certainly didn't go the way I had planned it. I had Michael when I was 19, Neil at 21 and Daniel at 24. I cannot express into words how blessed I feel to have been trusted with these three special spirits. To try and explain the immense amount of love I have for these three boys would be hard.
While for many, Mother's Day is a day to be honored and showered with gifts, I simply bask in the glory of having my handsome boys to call my own.

Maximizing my potential

I've been "writing" this blog in my head for a couple weeks now. We'll see if it can end up on the screen as well as it sounded in my head. Over the past month or so people have said things to me that have been almost offensive. I know that none of them who spoke these words meant them with malicious intent but it got me to thinking about things.

I am a Stay-at-Home Mom (SAHM). I am proud of that title although it can give people the wrong impression of who I am. Most "SAHMs" rarely sit "at home" all day, at least I don't. But recently people have been questioning me about what I am going to do with myself now that my kids are all in school full-time. Some have said to me "oh you're not maximizing your full potential". My potential as what? Am I not still a worthwhile human being if I'm not catering to each of my child's needs for 24 hours a day. Just because my kids are not home for 6 hours a day, now I need to rush out and be and do for someone else?

This really bothered me. I CHOOSE to stay at home with my children. I CHOOSE to be here when they get home from school. I like my life. So why is it that so many people think that women who stay at home are not maximizing their potentional? Ironically enough, a few weeks ago I was asked to give a talk at my church about something along these lines. It was based on a talk out of our Church magazine and it talked about families and it mentioned that little girls are now talking about these wonderful careers they want to have when they grow up, it's almost like they are forced to have these big dreams because if they state that they want to be a wife and a mother then they are told they are not maximizing their potential. It was the same week after I gave that talk that different people said the same thing to me.

Now let me say that I used to be one of those little girls. For as long as I can remember all I ever wanted to be was a Soldier. It's what I became the summer before my senior year in high school. I loved putting on that uniform and everything it stood for. Soon I became a wife and a mother. At one point I was a Soldier, Wife, Mother and College Student. Was that maximizing my potential? Was I more of a person then because I had on 4 different hats?

Calling home to the states and talking to my 3 year old son on the phone while stationed in Korea, he begged me to run across the ocean and go home to him. At that moment, I realized it was time to hang up one of those hats...it was time to go be a mother to my kids. It was a hard transition, I will admit that I was a TERRIBLE mother. I had never spent more then 24 hours alone with my own children, I had no clue where to start. Six months after getting out of the Army, my 4 year old son told me to go back in because I was a better Soldier then I was a mom. Boy did those words hurt, even now reflecting back on that day, tears still fill my eyes. But he was right, I was a bad mom. I decided then that I was going to be a better mom. Now, I'm not going to win any mother of the year awards but I will say this...there has been no better "job" then being a mom.

I missed out on the milestones of both of my older boys because of the Army. I made that choice and I have no regrets. However, I will not miss out on anymore. I have made the choice to be a mother to my kids. I want to maximize my potential as their mommy. I want to be the one who kisses their hurt feelings away. I want to be the one who hears the jokes that make no sense. I want to pick up my 6 year old from school and smile at him and hear about the amazing things he learned at school. I want to be the overemotional mom who stands on the corner as her son gets on that Middle School bus and heads off on a new journey. I want to be the mom who lays in a hospital bed with her 9 year old son playing Nintendo for hours on end without worry of getting fired from a job or having to ask permission to attend to my family.

I know there are many women out there who work outside the home and that is great. For me, I am a SAHM, it's a title I wear with pride. For those who say that I'm "just" a SAHM, well I ask you to trade with me for one day...wake up 3 boys from sleep...cuddle with each one and feel the warmth on their cheeks and admire their sleepy smiles. Fix a breakfast but make sure you cut the banana just like he likes it and like only mom can. Don't forget to make the yummy special juice that only mom can make taste "oh so delicious". Go grocery shopping and referee the argument over who can push the cart or who can put the grapes in the bag. Make dinner with three boys underfoot arguing about helping or who's turn it is to set the table. Watch movies and listen to their nonstop giggles over the silliness of the characters on their fave show...the show I know the name of and the characters and the theme song to. Start the fight over bedtime and giggle as you hear them cross the hallway knowing they are not where they are supposed to be even though they insist they are and hear their not so quiet whispers of "how does she know we aren't in bed.". Trade me for a day...no, don't...I don't want to miss a day of those small blessings.

No everyday is not bliss, there is anger, impatience, tears and frustration but more so there is love, laughter and memories you can't erase.

I may not be maximizing my potentional in the eyes of the world...but I am maximizing my potentional in the eyes of my children and THAT my friends...is what truly matters!

My Children who will never truly be lost with Mommy by their side!