Unconditional Love

I have often seen, heard and even said the words, “unconditional love”.  I’m sure if you were to ask yourself if you express unconditional love, especially to those closest to you, you would give yourself quite a bit of credit by saying yes.

Our family has been thrown a test in the unconditional love category and if I am being honest, I have thought long and hard these past few weeks about how well I have done in that category.  I am telling you today, that I failed.  I failed my kids, my husband and even friends.  My greatest comfort is that I know I have a Heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally.

That knowledge is what I want to try to share in this blog entry.  I KNOW God’s love is unconditional and because I KNOW that, I also know that He doesn’t make mistakes when it comes to His children.

My son is gay.  That is simply one small part of what makes him who he is.  It’s unfortunate that when he broke that news to us, I expressed poorly my unconditional love for him…that definitely had conditions.  It still hurts my heart to know how terribly I handled it.  When I replay the conversations in my head, I feel sad for my son.  We are working on repairing that and I pray that someday he can fully forgive me but if he doesn’t, I’m okay with that too because he should have been able to count on me, his mom.  I promised to protect him and instead I hurt him.

I have been doing a lot of self-evaluation and analyzing why I placed conditions on my love and I realize now it was primarily due to fear.  I think that is what causes most of us to love with strings attached.  As a mother, I had no control of how the world was going to treat him or see him.  To me, he was the same person that he was before but now people were going to attach a label with preconceived notions.  I know this because I did that. 

I talked a good game about being a decent Christian while letting fear control me and believing the bad instead of the good about people I didn’t even know. Here is the reality, because I know that God’s love is both unconditional and unchangeable, I know His love for my son didn’t shift simply because of his sexual orientation.  He loves him exactly the same as He did before sending him down to this earth and entrusting me to be his mother.  I need to follow that example a whole lot better.

Reading one my son’s Facebook posts to his fiancé was a serious reality check, one I needed, when he expressed that he was the first person to teach him what true unconditional love was.  And he was right.  I got that wrong, but I am grateful for his patience and willingness to trust that I will do better.

So, here’s the bottom line.  Quit claiming unconditional love while still justifying why someone’s life or choices are wrong according to you.  This is for anything, the way they dress, who they love, their professions, their hobbies, their culture, literally anything we judge others on. Also, quit claiming what you know about God and His love for His children because the God I know, loves ALL of His children.

This post is not about my son being gay, but I want to state the obvious for the people in our lives who are conflicted in whether they should support us or not.  Please don't take offense to how harsh this next statement will come across. We don’t need nor do we seek your approval or your support if it is not in your heart to offer either, that is not at all what this is about. I just wanted to share some lessons I learned through this journey and I am grateful that God gave me a beautiful soul to teach me what unconditional love is truly all about.

Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations, or love without conditions.

Released Bitterness

"We are not perfect. The people around us are not perfect. People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger. In this mortal life it will always be that way. Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances. Part of the purpose of mortality is to learn how to let go of such things. That is the Lord’s way. Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive."

—President Dieter F. Uchtdorf,

 

I have carried bitterness in my heart for the past couple weeks.  It has weighed down on me heavily.  I am disappointed in myself and disappointed in the example I have set for my boys. 

This morning I took the time to pray to my Heavenly Father and beg for forgiveness.  I am always humbled by the love my Heavenly Father shows me even when I have been prideful and sinful.  The weight has been lifted and while I know I am not perfect and have made mistakes, I know I am forgiven.

I am truly blessed.

What's a Picture Really Worth?

You've heard that "a picture speaks a thousand words"?  I may take that a bit literal.  It's no secret to anyone who has known me but a few minutes that I love my camera.  I often get made fun of because I am always snapping pictures of nearly every aspect of our life.  I torture my family by getting family pictures done at least once a year.  I'm quite intense about it.  I have taken thousands upon thousands of pictures this year.  I would say the majority of them are pretty crappy.  I bought myself a new camera but I won't lie, I don't really know how to use it properly...but I'm learning.

So the question I get asked all the time is why...why do you take so many pictures?  Last night as I was trying to find a picture to show a friend of ours, I went through a few albums and came across one from Kevin's deployment to Iraq in 2005/2006.  I came across this picture:

Suddenly I was overwhelmed with emotion.  I was irritated a few days ago when someone made a snarky comment about not recognizing me without my camera at the boys wrestling practice.  While I paused and pondered over this image I realized why.

I have known for a long time why I am so attached to my camera and it has to do with that man in the picture, Bryant.  Bryant was killed a few weeks after that picture was taken by my husband.  I had sent a camera with Kevin and insisted that he take pictures.  I know he didn't like taking pictures but he loves me and was willing to do it for me.  Most of the Soldiers were happy to pose. The majority of the families left behind were grateful when I had a picture to share.

On 28 April 2006, I received a phone call from a casualty notification officer telling me that LaNita was requesting my presence.  As much as I wanted to believe it wasn't the worst, I knew deep in my heart that it was.  As I spent the afternoon with her and the many days, weeks and months with her following that phone call, I felt blessed that she shared with me glimpses of her life with Bryant.  We spent hours poring over photo albums and we cried, we laughed and she even got mad when she saw a picture of him with a big wad of chew in his mouth.  She told me time and time again how grateful she was for those pictures.  Since then, every picture has become a treasure.

I realized that it had been a long time since had a family picture done.  I had very few pictures of Kevin and I together.  I had few pictures that I was even in.  I made a decision right then that I would change that.  Just a few weeks later Kevin came home and we had one of the most emotionally charged photo shoots ever.  Those pictures will always be some of my favorites because not only were they great, they were part of our healing process and part of our promise to move towards the future.

Since then I have made it my goal to try and capture moments.  I may take hundreds of pictures at a single event and most may come out bad but there is usually one that makes me smile or cry or just remember and I feel blessed by that.  I have no desire to be a professional photographer (way too much pressure) but I will always love snapping photos.  I want to always be able to be able to connect a tangible reminder to a wonderful moment in my life and the lives of those I care about.  With Kevin being gone this year I want to keep him as connected as possible and pictures and technology are a wonderful way to do that.

So when people ask me why I take so many pictures, my answer will be...because a picture is worth a thousand words and a tangible connection to precious and priceless moments in our lives.

I Love You Kevin!

Holidays are never fun without the one you love most, but at least it gives you a reason to let your love know how much you really love him!

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
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Words to Fill My Soul!

I probably should have wiped down the table before taking the picture, but this is real life folks!

Today I received two cards that just filled my soul.  I am a big believer in the written word.  I think thank-you or thinking of you cards that are handwritten will NEVER go out of style...ever.  I know how much I love to read simple, heart-felt words and how they make me feel loved and appreciated.

Today I got a lovely thank-you card from a sweet friend (along with a plate of cookies...BONUS) and when I read her words, I cried.  I thought about sharing them here on my blog, but for now I just want to keep them to myself.  I am going to put the note in my purse and keep it there as a reminder for when I need a little pick me up.

I also realized that we had not checked mail in a couple days so I sent Daniel off to the mailbox.  When he returned there were cards for all us from Kevin.  I love getting mail from my love.  He sent me a cute little Halloween card with such loving words.  I will never tire of seeing his love for me displayed in his handwriting.

I love little tangible reminders of friendship and love.  I know people, including myself, love the convenience of social media, texting and email but there is still no replacement for a simple, handwritten note.

In the past two weeks I have received over five handwritten thank-you notes, not including the two I mentioned earlier and my soul has truly been filled.

When was the last time you wrote someone a thank you note or a thinking of you card?  Is there someone in your life who might benefit from some simple words of affirmation?

I Feel His Love

Source

I was such an emotional mess at church today.  I really did not anticipate being this emotionally overwhelmed with Kevin leaving.  It's Korea, not a combat zone but man the separation still hurts.  I have really been struggling with my emotions since we found out Kevin was on orders.  I was upset at myself for being upset about the orders.  I have been frustrated with myself for being upset and even being upset with my friends who have told me that they would be there to support me and help our family with anything we would need.  I am glad for these people but I pride or rather have prided myself on always being able to take care of myself and my family with little to no help.  I struggled with feelings of anger when people would offer their words of support and promises to help, I found myself saying over and over, I got this.  The reality was, I didn't. Sure the boys and I will be fine and we will get through this but emotionally I wasn't prepared.  Maybe I don't need someone to come help me with physical stuff but I have been truly blessed in the last 24-48 hours with the emotional love and support that I do stand in need of.  Just knowing that I have so many people to turn to both locally and across the world has been such a strength to me.
It was during our lesson in Relief Society that I finally got part of why we are going through this experience.  During all of our other extended separations with the Army, I have usually been in a position to care for one to two hundred families in our unit.  I've been involved with so many things with the boys in the past that I have never had to focus on me and my needs.  I will admit that was often a struggle for me because there were times during those separations that I felt really alone.  I am however grateful for those experiences because I did learn to rely on my Heavenly Father and my Savior more and my testimony grew so much.  I had a couple very close friends who I let in my wall and who were such great people but I admit I didn't let many people in and it was often a very dark and lonely time for me.  This time there are no others families, it's just me.
Today I realized that my Heavenly Father does not want us to walk alone and He doesn't want me to travel this journey alone.  He has placed so many people in my life right now who are loving me and lifting me up.  During the lesson I was getting so emotional and I was trying not to let it overwhelm me.  I wanted to share different comments but I didn't trust myself to even talk.  There came a point where I felt strongly I needed to share what I had literally just realized a few minutes before.  I can't tell you how silly and somewhat embarrassed I felt when I had a complete emotional breakdown.  Ugly cry and everything.  There have been very few times in my life when I have felt my Savior's love so strongly and during that time when I was trying to share what I felt and learned was one of them.
I feel truly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life and I know it's not coincidence.  I have felt such an outpouring of love and support from so many people and if you are reading this and you are one of them, thank you.  Thank you for loving me and my family, it means more than you know.