TDT #36 - 2nd Goodbye's Suck!

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!

My Soldier's leave has ended.  He flew out yesterday and as you read this, he is probably hanging out in his room getting ready to go back to work in Korea.  We were so lucky to have an entire month and an additional 7 days because Neil got hurt (really need to post that tale).  So we really got 37 days.  It's funny because during a combat deployment you get 15-18 days and that never seemed like enough time and here we got double that and it still felt like it wasn't enough.  Right now with the shorter 9 month deployments, they don't even get any R&R.  So that being said, please acknowledge that I am very grateful for the time we got.

The reality is, my heart hurts.  I hate that we had to say goodbye...again.  It sucks because we've done this too many times.  I stood in the airport with Kevin and Daniel and as his flight began to board, I suddenly wanted to regress to a toddler and scream out, "Don't Go!".  Daniel broke down completely which doesn't help me keep my emotions in check at all.  There were two ladies standing near us who started crying when I did so that didn't help either.  I really tried hard to keep it together but it was hard.

We had a wonderful time together while Kevin was home.  It's hard integrating Kevin into our routine because he's been gone so often in our life but with 37 days to work with, it was easy to get spoiled.  If anything, it was nice to just feel complete.  It was also nice having another person in our house to make decisions and deal with the kids without the delay of a huge time difference.

When Neil got hurt, it was such a blessing to have Kevin home because even though I know I would have handled it and it would have been okay, I didn't have to.  Kevin was such a support for both me and Neil.  While it sucked that Neil got injured, it was such a blessing to see Kevin take care of him in such a tender manner.  I know Neil appreciated having his dad home during this rough time.

Michael was dealing with some things that really needed both of our support and again, I felt so blessed that Kevin was here during that time.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed when it comes to handling the day to day things of the boy's lives and when things go a different way than I imagined, I feel like I have failed.  While the things that Michael was dealing with weren't the end of the world, again it was nice to have Kevin home to love and support him through it.  Such tender mercies from the Lord.

If anyone saw a glimpse of our family together while Kevin was home, they would likely have seen Daniel joined at his hip.  Daniel rarely strayed from his daddy.  Those two have such a connection.  It's been hard for Daniel because Kevin has been gone so much of his life and then he got three years where he was home most of the time.  This has been a hard time for him.  As Kevin's leave was coming to an end, Daniel really started acting out and being mean.  It was frustrating and heartbreaking at the same time.

I realized as I watched Kevin board his plane today that I'm done.  I have loved this lifestyle and everything it has given me.  It has been a roller coaster ride for sure and the journey has been pretty good but I'm tired of the goodbyes and separations.  I don't want to do this anymore.  When Kevin gets back from Korea, we will start preparing to retire out.  

While I know that this is where the Lord wants us to be and that separation is part of His plan, I admit that the knowledge of that doesn't ease my heart much tonight.  My boys miss their dad and I miss my husband. 

I drove home from the airport and wanted to cry.  I held back the tears until I got home and then laid in my bed and just let it all out.  I learned long ago not to hold back.  I'm not ashamed to say I cried because I love my husband and I miss him.

I always reflect back on leave in the middle of separation and often find myself saying I wish we hadn't done it because the second goodbye always hurts worse than the first, but the reality is that no matter how long he's home, I am grateful for the time we get to spend together.

So now that I have that all out, it's time to pull up the bootstraps and focus on the craziness of our summer and plan for him to come home and begin the next phase of our life!

TDT #35 - Feeling Beautiful

A few weeks ago, I used a gift certificate I had purchased from a friend's daughter for a mini-makeover.  When I initially bought it, I didn't really think about going in and getting pampered a bit then having pictures done, I really just wanted to support my friend.  The salon doing the makeup and hair for the photo shoot is where I get my hair done and when I was last getting my highlights redone, I remembered my gift certificate and decided I better use it before it expired.

I had no real expectation going in to my appointment.  I had thought about trying to use the opportunity for a time when I could go somewhere I needed to be dressed up for but I didn't see that occasion anywhere in my immediate future so I just scheduled an appointment and decided it would be nice to get a few solo shots of myself that Kevin could have.  I rarely get professional pictures of just me...in fact, I don't even remember the last time I had any taken.

The mini-makover included a before and after shot.  I was told to come in as natural as can be, nothing really done to my hair.  Well, unless I blow dry and straighten my hair a bit, it looks crazy as you can see in the before picture.  But I guess the intent of these types of shoots is to show the transformation and you can clearly see that there was one.

 

My regular stylist did my hair and I really loved it.  I wish I was coordinated to do it myself, but I'm good to just be able to straighten my  hair and have it look decent most days, HA!

I'm not sure I enjoyed the make up part of the process as I don't typically wear a lot of make-up.  It is fun though, having someone else do the work for you.  I wanted to keep a natural look and overall I was happy.  I think next time, I will ask for less eye shadow as that just seemed too much.

Anyway, the point of this post really has nothing to do with those aspects of this adventure.  It had to do with the photographer and her ability to boost my confidence.  Now, I have a lot of confidence in most areas of my life, but like a lot of people, I have my insecurities.  Most of my insecurities lie in my perception of my physical body.  I have walked a lot of miles since Kevin left to Korea and I have lost very little weight.  I have watched what I eat and feel like I have had little results.  It is frustrating.  Most days I look at myself in the mirror and like what I see because I try to see my true beauty but some days I'm disappointed and frustrated at what looks back at me.

 

April really did something for me that few people outside my closest friend's can do.  She reminded me of my self-worth.  In the short amount of time that we took these few pictures, she commented at my beauty.  Repeatedly she mentioned that I was beautiful and she thanked me for allowing her to capture that.  She brought out the knowledge I already have that I am beautiful.  So simple and yet so profound for me.  I looked forward to seeing the pictures and when I received them,  I was very pleased.

I love these pictures but not necessarily because she did a great job in shooting them, editing them and creating a great product but because of the moments she allowed me to see who I truly am, inside and out.

Sometimes we need a reminder of who we are.  I'm grateful for these tangible reminders.

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

TDT #34: The Best Night's Sleep in 7 Months!

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!

 

I love midtour leave!  We get 30 glorious days with our Soldier!  Since he's not assigned to a unit here, it will be a month of no interruption.  The week before he got here I was an emotional mess!  I was anxious and excited.  It had been 7 months since I've seen him, held him, looked straight in his face.  We've had three...yes three skype sessions in 7 months so I was so looking forward to just seeing his smiling face.  Pictures on Facebook just aren't enough to see for yourself that all is right with him.

It seemed like the weekend was the slowest EVER.  I just wanted it to be Monday already.  He would send me messages telling me he couldn't sleep either.  We were so ready to be a family together again.  I think if one more person asked me if I was excited, I might have had to hurt them.

Driving to the airport I was so excited.  The kids slept the entire way..so much for excited conversation to keep me going.  They were excited too, I love that my boys love their daddy so much.  As we waited for Kevin's plane to come in, I could tell they were all a little nervous too but didn't want to say anything.  As soon as they spotted him coming out of the gate, they all jumped up with the biggest smiles ever.  

I love that they let me me always have the first kiss and hug.  Then usually it's Daniel and then Michael and Neil get their turns.  I love how tightly they hugged their dad...no shame. 

  

 I can never get Neil to give me a real smile for pictures these days...as you can see, there is was no problem that day!

 Kevin was starving when he got home and it was late, so we found a Crackerbarrel and had our first meal together.  I loved how all the boys wanted to get 7 months of conversation in that first hour together.  I love the feeling of being complete. 

We finally got home way after midnight, but that did not stop our pups from being so excited to see Daddy too!  They love Kevin.  They were acting so crazy!

After finally getting settled and Kevin taking a shower, we all went to bed...at 3:30 in the morning!  The boys did not want to leave Kevin's side.  We did not get up until 11 a.m. and then laid around being lazy until noon.  It was so nice to feel rested and complete.  I rarely get to bed when Kevin's not home before 2 a.m. and then turn around and get up with the boys at 5 a.m.

I love how the girls didn't want to leave Kevin's side either, silly pups!

I am going to enjoy the next few weeks with my love. We are going to enjoy being together as a family.  We will cherish the moments and make memories.  Because Korea is a hardship tour and not a deployment, we had to pay for Kevin's ticket home and I will say it is worth every single penny!

Kev was surprised at how much all the boys had grown since he left.  Here is a picture from the day he left and the day he got home on leave.  Yup, the boys aren't holding back on their growth spurts! 

TDT #33 - 10 Years

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!

 All over my Facebook feed most of my Military friends are posting about it being 10 years since we invaded Iraq. 

Some of the pages have posted the question, "Do you remember what you were doing?"  Today's entry will be my answer to that question.

10 years ago, I was walking through the quiet of my house on Fort Knox, KY where Kevin was serving as a Drill Sergeant.  His unit was in the field so it was just me and my three boys who were 6, 4 and 2 at the time.  I recall watching the news in anticipation wondering what was going to happen.  I couldn't sleep.  I messed around online talking with many of my online friends in the various groups I belonged to.  It was interesting as my mommy groups that were primarily made up of those not affiliated at all with the Military chatted about everything but the invasion while my groups made up of Military Spouses flooded the message boards with chatter about what our future was going to look like.

At one point, Daniel cried out and I went to check on him as he lay in my bed.  I looked down at him as he stared back at me and I picked him up and wandered into the room that Michael and Neil shared.  They were both sound asleep.  I sat in the middle of their floor and cradled Daniel and soothed him back to sleep.  When he drifted off, I looked at all three of my boys and wondered how much their lives would shift once they woke up in the morning.  I cringed at the thought of how their lives could change in the next few hours and would it affect them immediately or over time.  My thoughts then shifted to the children in Iraq.  My  heart broke as I realized that their impact would be very sudden and physical.  I felt an ache in my stomach.  I went and laid Daniel back in bed and wandered back to my computer.

I went into one of the mommy groups I belonged to at the time and posted a prayer request...for our Military, our Nation and the children in Iraq.  I immediately got blasted by other members, told that we must be war hungry and that all our Soldiers wanted was to go and kill innocent women and children.  I remember feeling like I had been slapped.  I left that group that night and never went back.  I went into my Military Wives group and read through messages of fear, uncertainty and vulnerability.  I talked for hours in a chatroom with my sisters as we tried to map out our futures, as we discussed supporting our men in uniform and by simply saying we understood the mix of emotions we felt.

The next morning we woke up to the news that we were at war.  I knew right then as I got my boys ready for the day that our lives would never be the same.

In the past 10 years our lives have changed.  We have endured separation and pain.  We have attended funeral services and visited friends in hospitals.  Our family has sacrificed a lot...willingly.  Kevin could have gotten out, he chose to continue on and serve.  He volunteered to go to war.  He has defended this nation to protect his family.  While many have attacked our Troops and their service in Iraq, I am proud of him and all who have served over there.  I know they have made a difference, I believe in them and honor them.

I don't talk politics, I talk about the pride of knowing some of the most amazing people in this nation, our Military Servicemembers and I am proud to call so many friends.  I am proud to call myself the wife of a Soldier who serves for the future of his boys.

 

Thank you to all of our Iraq War Veterans and especially our Fallen Heroes and their Families, please know there is one family who will always support and who will never forget!

TDT #32 - Transitioning Army Wife

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!

 A few weeks ago, my time as an FRG leader officially came to end.  It's interesting as that phase of my life just simply drifted away.  It's kind of odd to know that I'm not really affiliated with any unit even though my husband is still actively serving.  Why is this even significant to write a blog about?  Well, for the last 12 years, I have been active in FRGs, and for the majority of the past 8-10 years have served in some type of leadership position among the group. 

I feel pretty fortunate that I have had mostly good experiences with the FRG.  Trust me, I've dealt with the special kind of crazy that often comes with that type of position but I have also had some of the most rewarding experiences of my life.  I have met some of the most amazing people who I call dear friends and I've met some pretty crappy people who I hope to never see again in my life (unfortunately, those are the ones that seem to always pop back in our lives!).

I'd like to think that the opportunities I have been blessed with while serving with the different FRG's has made me a better person.  I know that I have learned compassion on a whole new level, I have also learned patience.  I have been blessed with amazing mentors who really helped me out as a young wife.  I have gained a deep appreciation for our Soldiers and made some awesome connections with many of them and their families.  I have seen Army families at their best and their worst and I have seen them endure what some can't even imagine.  Even in the toughest of times, I have felt truly blessed with the opportunity to serve in a capacity that few ever get a chance to see.  I have experienced emotions that can't even be explained and it has been worth every moment!

There have been times when I was heartbroken to leave a unit behind and hand over my Soldiers to someone else.  Other times, I couldn't get away fast enough.  I have been to points of feeling so emotionally drained and I didn't know if I could ever try again.  I have always been drawn back though, knowing that I could make a small difference...some way...some how.  My last couple years have been at a much slower pace, leading a unit while in a garrison environment.  I realized quite a while ago that my time was almost over.  It was time to hand it over to the next generation.  I hope that I've done half as good a job as those who mentored me.  I hope that those who follow behind will take care of Soldiers and their Families and love them and appreciate the opportunities that they will be blessed with.

In 25 months our time in the Army will be done.  I realize that my role has significantly changed and now my focus has to be on me and my family as we transition out.

Thank you to all who have been a part of this chapter in my life.  Thank you for all the amazing experiences and memories that I will cherish forever. 

TDT #28 - Let's Get Real

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!

I haven't done a Trash Day Tuesday post since December.  The last one was around week 18 and after counting up, I realize it has now been 28 trash days since Kevin left to Korea.  It's not because I haven't had much to say...in fact that couldn't be further from the truth.  I have just been processing a lot of stuff lately.  We survived Christmas and it really wasn't so bad.  We headed into the new year and it all looked so promising and then we were slammed with crap.

Nothing life threatening but enough to overwhelm me for a while.  It's all good now but for a few weeks I felt like things were being thrown at me left and right.  Most of it was emotional.  I was pretty angry and vulnerable and I don't do well asking for help or really talking to people until AFTER the fact.  That's just how I am, I am a deep processor.  I also don't like airing my business.  I don't feel the need for all of that and it draws serious unwanted attention.

Kevin has been an amazing support, but it's hard being separated by 6800 miles.  He is very much a part of our lives and I am grateful that I get to talk to him and seek his counsel.  I am not walking this journey alone by any  means, I just get to do a lot of the physical work alone.

All that being said, I want to be real.  We are surviving this separation but it isn't without it's challenges.  My kids miss their dad...plain and simple.  It is hurtful to them when people come up and say that it's no big deal because it's "only" Korea.  Even I am guilty of saying that and I did not realize how it was harming my kids.  Gone is gone.  It is also hurtful to them when you tell me, in front of them, that it is so much easier to deal with Kevin being gone because they are older and they understand.  Wrong.  They understand that their dad is gone during their first year of high school, during their first year driving, during the year that one will turn 12 and advance in church.  They understand that their dad is 15 hours ahead and it's difficult because of school, activities and their dad's job to talk on a regular basis.  They understand that people say things like...well at least he's not in Afghanistan and it hurts them because again...gone is gone.  They do not feel as supported because where their dad is isn't as "dangerous" as where someone else's parent is.  They aren't the ones doing the comparing but they are dealing with the emotions of it.  It also doesn't help when you come to them and tell them what you hear on the news about North Korea trying to send bombs somewhere.  Not helpful at all.

I have a great support system here and I will be the first person to admit that I probably do not use them as much as they would like me to but that's just me.  I'm getting better but I'm trying to do the best I can for my family.  I did reach out to some friends about a couple things that have been going on and I feel so much better.

Neil had a breakdown a couple weeks ago.  It was a rough night.  It's simple..he's 14, he misses his dad.  It happens.  Sometimes we need a breakdown to build back up and move forward.  I had to go into the school and get his IEP straightened out.  I have a teacher who is far from stellar and wasn't following the guidelines.  I'm not a parent who is going to just sit idly by as you screw over my kid because it's not convenient for you.  I'll do my part if you do yours.  I got him moved out of a class and got criticized by the teacher.  That attitude is the reason why I no longer wanted my kid around you, just saying.

Daniel did a stupid thing by taking an eraser and burning the inside of his wrist with it because he was bored.  He did it ONCE.  I had to take him to the doctor  to get a note for wrestling saying it wasn't some infectious skin disease.  I know my kid, he wasn't trying to harm himself but the doctor who knew him for 5 minutes was convinced that he was seriously depressed and was involved in a new form of cutting and told me that I needed to take him to a psychiatrist.  She told me he was emotionless when talking to her and she didn't like the answers she was getting from him.  Again...I know my kid.  I humored her by taking him to the psychiatrist and wasted 3 hours of my life that I will never get back.  Filling out the ridiculous packet angered me because I knew my kid was okay.  He had a dumb moment.  Daniel is far from stoic.  However, if he doesn't know you, he's not going to talk to you, especially when it's in an interrogating manner.  The end result of that three hours of wasted time was the psychiatrist telling me that Daniel should hang out with neighborhood kids more and play video games.  Really?  I'll pass on that advice.  The kid has lots of friends and he is dedicated to his interests right now...football, wrestling and Scouts.  Thankfully he also told me that Daniel is a kid and he did a stupid thing...no need to come back.

Michael thankfully is my most well adjusted child.  At least it appears that way.  He is the one that talks the most to me so that's always nice and I feel like he's doing pretty good.  I know he does take a lot on himself when his dad is gone and I try so hard to make sure he knows that I don't expect him to be anything but our 16 year old child.  He's a great kid and such a support to his brothers and I.

Life has been a bit crazy as you can see but we push forward because that's what we do.  We've dealt with the crazy and we refuse to be stuck there.  It's not easy to deal with or even admit but it is what it is.  I've been criticized a lot throughout the past month about not being where others thought I should be.  My family comes first...always. 

This post isn't meant to be a pity party, just me being real.  I'm not always as "fine" as I claim to be when asked, but I will eventually get there.  Right now we are great, we are blessed and we are doing the best we can.  Our life is far from perfect but we have a lot more good going on than bad and for that I am grateful. Everything is a learning experience and believe it or not I am grateful for those opportunities of growth.  

One of my fave family pictures ever. See those boys...they are stronger than people give them credit for sometimes!

TDT #18 - Blessed for Christmas

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!

 

I mentioned in my previous post it's been a challenge to feel the Christmas spirit this year.  Not only for me but for my boys too.  We don't need snow or lots of presents to feel the spirit, we just like having our family complete.  I admit, I've been pretty down and it's been frustrating for me because I try really hard to remember that there is a reason.  I have a lot of faith and trust in the Lord and I know that He truly is in control.  

When we are out and about we are fine, we serve, we smile and we're sincere in all of that but when we walk back into our home, the obvious void of  not having Kevin home is huge.  Well last night we had a wonderful evening with friends...really, it's the most relaxed the boys have been in a long time.  I feel so lucky to have amazing people in our lives who look out for us and reach out to us.   When we got home we were happy and laughing.  Daniel told me that being at the Jacobson's was both "fun and funny".  Silly boy had us laughing pretty hard for while playing Taboo.

Kevin was up already and we were chatting via Facebook chat.  Skype has not been wanting to work for us the past few days.  I love technology and I am grateful to be able to chat with him almost daily.  I can call him and we do that too but there is nothing like seeing his face and his smile.  I prayed silently that we would be able to chat via skype.  I even posted a message to Santa on my Facebook to please bring us the gift of Skype...if you only believe!

Well, we were truly blessed!  We not only connected on Skype but we were able to stay connected for almost 3 hours!  I'm telling you that we have never been able to stay connected for more than 20 minutes since Kevin has been over in Korea.  So let me tell you it was wonderful.  

He got to chat with all the boys,

 

 watched them open their traditional Christmas Eve gift which is always an ornament

 

  and got to listen to Michael play the piano which is something he really misses.

Listening to Michael play the piano...I love the look on his face.

 He even got to see the pups and they were all excited to see him!

I love that my husband humors me.  I had this idea for the past couple weeks to get screenshots of us holding up a candy cane in the shape of a heart while talking on Skype.  I had asked Kevin to find a candy cane and it just so happened he had been given one that day.  He said he was actually about to eat it when I mentioned it.  He's been holding off on eating it until last night when we were able to talk on Skype and finally get my picture.  I'm happy with the result, even if it is cheesy!

 I feel truly blessed.  I have a lot to be grateful for this year despite being apart from Kevin.  We are all healthy and happy.  We have wonderful family and friends.  I have an amazing support system and so does Kevin.  We are never alone.  We have the gospel in our lives which reminds us daily that this separation is but a short time here on earth.  We have a Savior who loves us and died for us.  We have a loving Heavenly Father who is in control and provides us with experiences that will help us grow into who He wants us to be.
There is truly nothing more that I could want for at this time of my life.  We are truly blessed.

Now I have to go wake up my boys so we can finally open presents!  From our family to yours, we wish you the Merriest of Holidays and peace and love all year round.

Kevin saying goodnight after our three glorious hours of skype!

TDT #17 - Raw Emotions

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!

This pretty much explains my emotions for the past few weeks.  I'm okay though...just a little vulnerable because of the holiday season.

TDT #16 - Separation Perspective

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!

4 months down, 8 to go!  Time does seem to be going fairly quickly.  We thought it might considering how busy we stay with the boys.  I think I've done pretty well keeping it together and trying to keep things in perspective.  I'm not going to lie, I have had my moments.  What is interesting is most of those moments come at the hands of people reaching out to me.  I know they mean well and I appreciate their love and support but it makes me vulnerable and I don't always know how to deal with that.  This past Sunday one of the new  members of our ward stopped me just to see how I was doing.  It caught me off guard and seriously made me want to cry right then and there.  Thankfully I kept my emotions in check but it's a little crazy.

I try really hard not to make a big deal out of this separation (outside my blog that is...it seems to be all I talk about here).  I know so many families who are enduring separation due to combat deployments and don't feel that this even compares.  I also know that there are many people who are separated for the rest of their time here on earth and so it reminds me that this separation is but a short time in the big scheme of things.

I'm not going to say I do well at it all the time.  I certainly have my moments when I want to break down.  It's hard going and doing things with the boys and feeling the void.  It's also hard to watch the boys wrestle and know they are missing their dad.  I can't tell you how wonderful everyone has been to us in the high school and club programs.  So many people reaching out to the boys.  It is very overwhelming to me.  At times I can hardly breathe because I'm holding back the tears.

I can honestly say that I have never felt such support in my life and it is what makes things so much easier.  It helps me keep things in perspective by sending me these little reminders that my Heavenly Father has not forgotten me and that He is aware of the times I need a little extra TLC, as does my boys and my husband.  Kevin received the sweetest message from one of the families in our ward on Sunday.  I am tearing up just thinking about it.  Another sweet reminder that He is in control and aware of our spiritual and temporal needs.

Today I attended the funeral of an amazing man our family was able to meet and connect with at church.  He is a World War II, Korea & Vietnam war veteran.  Oh how I loved to chat with him.  Him and Kevin really connected and Kevin had promised to bring him pictures of what Korea looks like now.  Unfortunately, he was unable to bring them back and show them to him but I know Bishop Rickert is looking down and seeing what has become of the country he only knew in war time.

Sitting there and listening to what was said about his life, especially the parts about him serving in three wars where contact was limited and the casualty rate was high, it reminded me yet again how blessed Kevin and I are. We are apart but we get to speak almost daily.  I know he is safe.  He is sleeping in a warm bed at night and has food and shelter.  

There are aspects of this separation that have been difficult and I am not going to lie, I have shed some tears over it but I also know the blessings that have come because of it.  My goal is to keep things in perspective or the next eight months so I can focus on whatever it is the Lord would have me learn.

I truly am grateful for this separation and the opportunity our family has to learn and grow from the experiences laid before us.

TDT #15 - Married to the Army: Alaska

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!

Oprah has this new series on her network about Army wives.  I immediately decided that I was not going to watch it or like it.  I watched the preview and it annoyed me.  After it premiered all I heard on Facebook and Twitter was most of my Army wife friends either loving it or hating it.  I'm not going to lie...it peaked my interest.  I set up my DVR to record the episodes and I watched the first two.  The first episode really irritated me, it was so staged and the one wife that most everyone already hated made me want to scream, I almost just threw in the towel right there to not watch the show but something else drew me in.

First off, let me just say...it's TV.  Reality or not, it's TV and it's edited.  The network is still making money on the show and whether their goal is to show the rest of the world what life is like as an Army wife, it's just television.  The Military community is emotionally charged...the things we go through and endure cause us to be passionate and link some type of feeling to almost every aspect of our life.  It's just the way it is.  So there are many who felt like we didn't need any network to show us how we live our lives and certainly not some edited for drama version!  But I admit, it would be nice for the rest of America to get a glimpse of what goes on in our lives.  Though I think most of the audience is probably Military wives.

So as I said, the first episode really made me frustrated.  The one snooty wife who had to drop her husband's rank every chance she got and then she tried to reprimand, though she stated she was simply helping, the young enlisted wife, made me want to throat punch her.  There was nothing inappropriate about saying that she worked at Hooters and that is where she met her husband.  One of the things I love most about this Military life is that it is so diverse and everyone's journey is so unique.  I have met Spouses who were strippers and some who are doctors and some who worked at NASA.  Who cares where we came from.  Despite what some Spouses think (perceived status that needs a serious reality check) we are all equal.

That particular Spouse irritated a lot of people, I heard all about her on social media.  It is one of the things that made me want to watch and see what all the excitement was about.  I even laughed as I saw some people outraged, especially since THEY are "that wife".  Here's the thing...those "characters" for lack of a better term, on this show are not made up...they exist.  Maybe not all at one installation but after watching three episodes now, I can honestly tell you that I have met one of each of those wives somewhere along my Army wife journey.  

Here's the thing, despite what some people think, there is no mold when it comes to Military Spouses.  Oh, I know people think there is...that's why people say things like, "I'm not your typical Army wife" or "I'm not like the others."  No, you're not because there isn't a mold, everyone is their own person, with their own stories.  I have yet to meet, in my 16 years as an Army wife, a typical anything.  What spouses don't like to hear is all of us lumped into one and really who can blame us for that?  

So back to the girls on the show.  I think they are real and when they don't seem as real, I'm sure it's due to editing and some staging.  I wish it had been a little more diverse of a group.  Add in a junior officer spouse, male spouse and a senior enlisted spouse.  I get that they had to take what they could get and had to go through all sorts of red tape to get the show on the road to begin with, but I don't think the casting is diverse enough, but it is what it is.

What I like about the show is that the emotions are real.  I have been down their road and I find myself nodding in agreement, getting emotional and saying oh yeah...I remember that!  I love that it shows the roller coaster of emotions that you ride in this life.  The fear of the unknown.  I can relate to the young girl who's heart drops every time the doorbell rings and you haven't heard from your husband.  I have been blessed with the strong, stalwart brigade commander's wife who mentored me and helped me and other spouses through a very difficult deployment.  I appreciate the brigade commander's wife on the show because she gets it.  She is strong, yet real.  Rynn is who I relate to the most right now.  She is where I am.  I'm not going through a combat deployment, but I can relate to her trial with teenagers and separation.  I seriously want to yell AMEN when she is talking about how difficult it is raising kids on your own at this age. 

I find it amusing that people were berating the Spouses for things they said or did but I will admit I've probably done and said a lot of those things.  Picked a fight with my husband, yup.  Said inappropriate things at a get together...yup.  Nagged my husband because he didn't do things the way I think he should...oh yes.  Left my children behind while I rushed to my husband when he came home...yes..sorry boys!  I'm glad that I can say I have never had to pick up moose poop...gag me.  I will say I'm still waiting to see the spouse not so put together, wearing sweat pants, no make up and their hair looking crazy...I haven't seen that on the show and let me tell you that is reality folks!

I can't say I love the show but I will probably keep watching it.  I may do some eye rolling but so far it's because of the actions and words of some of the spouses and not all the discrepancies or absurd story lines like Army Wives.  This may be the most real it is going to get on television for the world to see and it paints a glimpse of our daily lives.  As long as people can remember it's TV and edited, I think we'll be okay.

So who else is watching Married to the Army: Alaska?  And what do you think?

TDT #14 - Holidays

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!

We are approaching our first major holiday since Kevin left to Korea.  And I'm not going to lie...it sucks.  If it weren't for wonderful friends, I would probably order my kids pizza and watch movies all day.  Okay, that's not true...I'd at least take them to the dining facility and then come home and watch movies all day!  Seriously, the Army Dining  Facility is one of the best places to go and eat...I promise...try it out sometime!

When I think back, Kevin and I have spent more Thanksgivings apart than together.  It's crappy.  This time is so different though.  At least the times he's been deployed or off doing training, he had a hundred of his closest buddies to eat and enjoy the day with.  In Korea, he is all alone.  When I asked him what he was going to do for Thanksgiving, he said he might make some turkey soup.  My heart immediately broke.  I can't let myself think too much about him being alone because it makes me cry...a lot.

We knew this separation was going to be challenging, but I didn't anticipate all the emotions that I would get caught up in.  I have received such amazing support here and at times I feel so guilty that Kevin is off alone in another country.  He will still get a Thanksgiving meal, he is going to the CG's Mess and having dinner there for the wonderful price of $5!  So he will get to eat some of the traditional grub.

Let me stop right here and mention that there is a wonderful family in Korea that has taken Kevin in and fed him many meals.  We knew them when they were stationed here in Missouri.  I don't want to take anything away from their generosity.  Kevin feels blessed to have them in Korea and that he gets to spend time with them as much as he does.

I know that the actual day will be a challenge for me and I am going to try hard to keep my emotions in check.  Kevin constantly reminds me that these times apart are but a short time in eternity and I just need to remember that.

TDT #13 - Proud Veteran

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!

Woohoo, we are now past the first dreadful 90 days!

It's close to Veteran's Day and while this might seem more appropriate to be posted on the actual holiday, I feel like posting a little about how I feel on being a Veteran.

I have always been proud of the time I served in the Army.  I have never hidden it, but I will say that for a good majority of the time since I got out of the Military, I have felt awkward calling myself a Veteran.  Some of it had to do with the fact that I didn't feel "old enough" to dub myself a Veteran and many times I haven't felt like I did anything spectacular while serving.  I also admit that my self-esteem hasn't been the best when it comes to saying, yes I served in the Army given my current physical condition.

Recently I've had the opportunity to sit and chat with Soldiers in different environments and it's always interesting that even when I don't tell them that I served in the Military, they figure it out and it creates this unique, yet wonderful bond.  It's quite a compliment to me.  I have mentioned that I love the volunteer work I do which involves mostly the family side of the Military, but there is something I love even more about training and talking with Soldiers.

It's no secret that my decision to get out of the Army was a difficult one, however to this day, I still know that it was the right one.  I miss wearing the uniform, I miss the bonds you make with your battle buddies and I just miss being on that side of the Army in general.  I'm grateful however, for the moments when I can connect with a Soldier on the common ground of "getting it" as the Soldier I spoke to the other night said.  He told me it was cool that he could chat with me and I understood where he was coming from.

I feel truly blessed that my time in the Army was a positive one and that it gave me experiences that help me now in my volunteer life and my life in general.  I have never regretted serving in the Army.  I am proud to call myself a Veteran and proud to be one of the less than 1% who was willing to serve our nation..

The best experience I had in the Army was meeting my husband.  If I had never joined the Army, I would never have ended up at Fort Campbell, KY and I would likely have never met a boy from North Dakota who would end up being my husband.  The Army was good to me in more ways then one and I will forever be grateful.

Daniel sat down last night, looked a picture on his computer and commenced to draw this picture for all who serve and have served.  I love my little patriot!

TDT #10 - Your Kids Are Too Old

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!

 There are numerous organizations out there that work really hard to support families of deployed Service members and families that are separated due to hardship tours.  I am really grateful for them and their support...when they include my kids.  Apparently, for some organizations, your kids have to fit a certain age bracket to receive any of their services or products.  Apparently, when you reach a certain age, you are no longer affected by separation and have no need for little extra's to get you through.

I recently submitted my boys for a couple different things and was met with a reply that my kids were too old.  Nowhere on their websites does it state ages.  I even add special comments explaining our situation and acknowledging that my kids are a bit older but are still struggling with this situation.  They need additional TLC too.

I'm not trying to take anything away from anyone.  My kids miss their dad just as much as the younger kids.  We are blessed with technology but even with that, they don't get to talk to their dad daily because of the big time difference.  I selected these two particular organizations because what they would be providing would be something that would mean something to all of my boys.  But because they apparently don't have feelings after a certain age, we were declined.

Please don't think I'm trying to sound entitled, of course we don't need anything, we are okay.  I'm just saying, please don't forget about the older children, they could benefit too from feeling extra special. 

Tell me these faces don't say that they love and miss their dad just as much as the next kid and that goodbyes still suck, no matter how old you are.

TDT #9 - It's Okay to Say No...or Yes!

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!

One thing I have had problems with is saying yes when I should be saying no and saying no when I should be saying yes!  Confused?  I am a nurturer, I like to help people.  I often find myself in situations where I am already strung out thinly and then someones asks me for something and I say yes and find myself in a crazy situation.  It usually works out, but not without some type of stress.  I have been working on saying NO.  I was proud of myself because this past week I was asked if I could take a meal to a family of 8.  My initial response was of course!  But after really thinking it through, I realized that I just did not have the time to make a meal that big and deliver it at a decent time with the boys schedules.  I really wanted to help and even said I could help on the weekend but I could not do the weekday.  I was proud of myself for recognizing that it was okay to say no.  I had said yes to a different meal request but had to put guidelines on it for myself.  I hate doing that because I do want to serve others but I have to be realistic too. 

Just as much as it has been a learning experience in saying no, I have had to learn to say yes at times too.  A few weeks ago, one of my wonderful friends sent me a text asking if she could bring us dinner.  I initially told her no, that we were okay.  It was a relatively slow day for us so I didn't see the need.  She continued to insist and finally said it in a manner that touched my heart.  "Will you let me bring you a meal?"  I know, it sounds so simple but it really meant so much to me.  I relented and said yes.  She brought us an amazing meal and you know, after what ended up being a crazy day, I was so grateful for her thoughtfulness.

I really feel so blessed during this separation that I can say no when I need to without being judged and say yes when I am need and be surrounded by loving and caring people. 

These lessons are particularly hard for me at first but then I see the blessings after I reflect back on them.

Is it as difficult for you to say yes or no when you need to?

TDT #8 - These Boys

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!

I have too many thoughts going through my head that I really want to write about but can't stay focused enough to choose one topic.

Today you get a picture of my handsome boys who mean the world to me.  I am constantly amazed at their tenderness for me as their mom.  They are all willing to help me when I need help with very few grumbles.  All three of them still call me mama at various times and that just makes me feel so good. I love when they introduce me to their friends and say that I'm the best mom (which happened multiple times this past week).

I just really love these boys and am so blessed to call them mine.