Retirement

I was reflecting a couple days ago about our “retired” life.  I put it in quotations because we are still far from hanging out on the rocking chairs and frolicking our days away.  I should note that I actually know few retirees whose lives are that relaxing!

When we were preparing for our retirement from the Army, I remember feeling a sense of anxiety about all the unknowns.  Was Kevin going to be able to find a job, what kind of job, will it pay enough to pay our bills?  Do we stay here in Missouri, if we don’t want to stay here, where do go and how do we get there?  Do we rent a house, buy a house, stay in post housing now that they have it open to retirees?  Does Nadine get a real job that pays more money?  Do we get additional medical insurance, how is retiree insurance through the military? 

If I’m being honest and anyone who knows me in real life knows that I’m pretty honest, the last few months of Kevin’s time in the Army was a challenge.  I’m going to go ahead and throw it out there for the sake of being real, he had a terrible chain of command and they treated Kevin horrible.  Not only Kevin but a lot of Soldiers in his unit.  That definitely assisted with the transition though because I no longer felt emotionally attached to the Army, I was ready for us to slam that chapter shut and move on.

I just want to say that the only way we survived the stress of our last few months in the Army was through the grace of God.  He truly led the way and literally everything fell in place almost perfectly.  Kevin was moved from his last battalion over to the gym.  Apparently, that is the Army’s version of a pasture where they take old horses to spend their last days.  It was a huge blessing!  Kevin was able to take care of medical issues that he had put on the back burner to be the good Soldier that he was.  He was able to look for a job to transition to and found one that he actually loves!  His retirement ceremony was special and a memory I will forever treasure.  I’m glad we decided to go through with it because we were so frustrated about how things were going, we were going to just walk away but I felt strongly that we needed official closure and watching him receive his retirement award and flag provided that.

I don't know what kind of wife he thought I was, but he felt impressed to point out Army Chief of Staff had signed my certificate.  Thanks, I actually knew who he was...sir!

Initially, we were going to stay in our house on post but when they told us how much they wanted us to continue paying for a house that wasn’t even worth that amount and with us knowing we were no longer getting a housing allowance we decided it was time to pack up and move out.  

I took this picture the last day we were in our house on post.  This was what I wrote about the picture:  If these walls could talk...what stories would they tell? We lived in our house on Fort Leonard Wood for 7 years. Today we cleared our house on post and I feel like we have officially closed that chapter of our lives. Now I feel like we are officially retired and beginning the next phase of life. So blessed by the experiences the Army gave us and am eager to utilize the skills and experience to bless others in this next journey!

We were blessed to have a dear friend as our realtor who took phenomenal care of us and got us through the process of buying a house quickly.  That part was a huge whirlwind but thankfully all of our boys were home and we had great friends who helped us out and before we knew it, we were in our own amazing house.

 

We closed on our house on my birthday!

Retirement has been better than I ever imagined.  I don’t miss anything about Army life. We have amazing memories, we made great friends, had growing experiences and we are grateful for the journey but retirement is good!  No more worries about deployments, no more endless calls through the night, no more Army gear all over my living room floor!

We live right outside the Army installation so we get enough Army to keep us going but we are okay not living it every day.  Retirement life is beautiful!

Breakthrough

It's interesting the things that will trigger emotions in you.  Today it was a picture of food.  One of my friends posted some food on Facebook that she was taking her husband and the Soldiers in his unit.  That picture sparked memories of when I used to do the same thing for Kevin and his Soldiers.  So many units, so much time, so much pride.

That all changed during our time at Fort Hood.  His first unit was great, we built such a great bond.  So many of the people in that unit will remain close no matter where the Army sends us.  We endured so much.  We don't have to talk every day to know that we have each other's backs.

His second unit...not so much.

The recent shooting at Fort Hood stirred up conversation between Kevin and I about who we thought might still be there and how we hoped everyone was okay.  The conversation took a turn to some of the people who were in his last unit and how we thought they were doing.  We didn't linger over names because the memories that were brought back weren't good.  Don't get me wrong, there are a few people I feel so grateful to have met and I still keep in contact with them but there are many that I am okay with never crossing paths with ever again.

I know that sounds harsh and unforgiving.  Details aren't important but what I realized today is that unit broke me.  It broke me in so many ways.  It made me so that I have not given everything like I had before.  I didn't engage with families or Soldiers in Kevin's units since then.  It made me hesitant to care like I used to care.

Coming to that realization today breaks my heart.  I have always loved serving Soldiers and their Families and I do so in other ways but I have not let myself become too attached.  Some may say that's a good thing, but for me...it's not.

I suppose in many ways I was naive to think that the Army I loved so much would always protect me and my family.  When it didn't, it hurt...a lot.  

I admit I'm still very angry at certain people, I pray that someday I can move past certain names and be as forgiving as I know I should be.  I'm not there yet. I hope that today was a breakthrough to truly healing. 

Homecoming Emotions & Memories

As I was sitting this morning writing in my journal, I started to replay yesterday.  It was a great day for the most part but I admit I had a few hours where I felt completely overwhelmed with emotion over something that could be considered silly.  I went to a dear friend's homecoming to take pictures and then got home and was so excited to go through them and get them uploaded for her when I opened my camera and saw that there was no SD card.  I was DEVASTATED, to say the least.  I cried, I was so heartbroken.  Thankfully Kevin had been with me and took some great video and I was still able to put together a video but I was still so upset. 

Later I finally sent a text to my friend to let her know what had happened and how sorry I was.  She was so forgiving (as I expected her to be even though I still felt horrible).

I started to analyze what made me so upset about this that it brought me to laying in my bed in tears.  It comes down to all the emotions tied into this lifestyle.  I wanted to capture a precious moment for them and didn't.  But as I reflected some more I thought back to yesterday morning as I arrived at the gym where the homecoming was held and remembered the flood of memories that hit me as I walked in the door.  I have pictures from the last few homecomings for our family but what I fail to remember is the memories that are etched forever in my heart.  They are still as clear as if yesterday was my own homecoming.  I remember the smiles, the tears, the feelings.  I remember it all and while it has been a blessing to come across a picture every now and again, I can pull up those memories whenever I want.  I hope the same can be true for my sweet friends.

And if not, at least we were able to get this short video for them.  I love you Lopez Family, thank you for allowing me to share in your special moments.

9/11/2013

Here I sit, another year gone by, another day where my Facebook feed will flood with images and shared tales of where you were when the towers were hit.  I was planning on going to visit a friend of mine at Fort Riley but when I realized that it would be on this date, I suddenly felt like I couldn't go there.  We were stationed at Fort Riley on 9/11/01.  I don't want to sound like my world ended that day but my world did shift and there have been many thing since then that have caused me sadness.

That being said, I want to reflect today on how we have overcome.  While there has definitely been negative in our life, there has been so much more positive.  We have endured.  The past 12 years have been hard on our family.  Stressful training missions and lengthy deployments.  Clouds of the unknown hovering over our heads.  What have we gained from those situations? Strength.  We are stronger as a family, as a couple and as individuals.  We have been asked to do things that crush other relationships and we have survived...not only survived but THRIVED.  We have learned to appreciate today because we have been witness to those who lost their tomorrows.  We have been in the company of real heroes, men and women who continue to live and honor a legacy of courage and bravery after life changing injuries, both seen and unseen.  Let's not forget the families who stand beside them and became heroes themselves.

I am proud to be married to a man who continued to serve his country despite knowing that he could/would leave his family time and time again and knowing his own life would be at risk.  He did it for us and he did it for you.

"The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him." G.K. Chestertson

I made this during Kevin's deployment to Iraq in 2009

It's not likely that I will ever forget where I was on September 11, 2001.  I will forever have the images of my babies faces etched in my mind as I wondered what the future held for them.  Today I can look at my boys who are growing into amazing young men and see that they are resilient, strong and most importantly survivors.  They have endured and thrived like I could not have even imagined.

September 2001

August 2013, welcoming home their dad after 362 days apart

The towers may have fallen but America didn't and neither did the Albrecht Squad.

Probably my favorite picture of the Albrecht Squad

362 Days DONE

 Take that Korea Tour!  We are DONE!  I thought this day would NEVER come.  Seriously, this separation was hard in so many ways but we survived!  The boys and I were excited to head to the airport to pick up our Soldier.  I think we were all a little nervous, excited, overwhelmed...you know all those emotions that flutter through your body at the same time.  One thing for certain though, we were READY to be reunited and not have to look over our shoulders constantly waiting to send him back.

We barely got to the airport on time because he told us his plane was arriving almost 40 minutes later than it actually did.  We took advantage of driving to the "big" city to get the boys some school shoes and were only in the mall for about 20 minutes but had we lingered even a few minutes longer we would have missed Kevin walking down the security ramp.

The boys were all about making signs but then got a bit self-conscious when we got to the airport and they realized that it was slightly different than standing with hundreds of other families on a field or in a gym on post.  Michael didn't care and once they saw their dad, the other boys didn't care either.  Kevin started crying as soon as he saw us which made people watching us start to cry.  I guess they were confused until they read the signs the boys had because Kevin wasn't in uniform. 

It felt so good to be together again.  Now I just have to remember that homecoming is an event and reintegration is a process!  Happy Days for now...The Albrecht Squad is reunited!!!

The Journey Comes to an End

So I'm sitting here trying to ignore the beep of the washing machine, my mind is overwhelmed by the thoughts that in a few short days our family will be reunited!

To say I'm excited is an understatement.  I thought it might be different than the homecoming from a combat deployment, but surprisingly the emotions are much the same.  This past year has been more challenging than I thought it would be.  At times it has been very lonely.  While I have had a wonderful support system from my friends, it has been weird not being attached to a unit.  I never knew what Kevin was doing until he told me.  Even though he sent me pictures, I still only have a vague idea of what his living quarters were really like.  I don't know any of the people he worked with.  After being so intertwined in his career, this was odd.  Now I know that many Spouses sit back and aren't that involved and that works for them but it doesn't work for me.  I enjoy being a part of every aspect of my husband's life.

I've had to deal with a lot of things in regards to the boys on my own.  While Kevin and I talked a lot about things and he was always informed, the logistics of most everything fell on my shoulders and at times the burden was very heavy.  I got better about asking for help this past year but there are some things that you can't pass on.  At times I have felt like a failure as a mom.  I felt like my efforts weren't good enough.  I haven't always felt like I did enough to protect or advocate for my boys and that is a crushing feeling.  The curse of mommy guilt is very real.

 The lack of recognition from some organizations because my husband was "only" in Korea was shocking.  What was also surprising was that my kids weren't welcomed to certain things because of their age.  Apparently you stop missing and worrying about your Soldier at a certain age.

One of the biggest challenges I faced that surprised me was the attack on our family.  The constant criticism of my role as a stay-at-home mom.  I've been a SAHM for a long time and you'd think people understood that but suddenly I was being told that my kids were old enough to stay home alone and that I didn't need to do everything for them.  People attempted to choose my priorities for me.  My family will always come first, there will never be a debate.  I love serving others but I know part of this separation was to remind me to focus on what matters most.  Michael will be leaving home next year and once he's gone begins the journey of my other boys leaving the nest.  I'm not as ready as I probably should be or could be.  I don't want to live my life with regret of missed opportunities.  I want my boys to know that I was there at their events.  I don't want my kids to be the ones searching the crowds for my face, not when I have the choice on whether to be there or not.  Some people aren't that lucky but I am.

Kevin misses a lot and I carry that guilt with me as well.  I feel so lucky to be married to someone who is so connected with his boys.  He spent many days up early or late to try and connect with the boys.  Sacrificing himself for his boys has always been a priority, I hope my boys know that.

As this chapter in our life closes and we prepare for the next one, I hope that I have learned all that the Lord wanted me too and that we are stronger as a result.  

Happy 238th Birthday, US Army!

Today is the U.S. Army's 238th birthday.  It's crazy to think that I have been a part of the Army's Family for almost 20 years.  It was 20 years ago next month that I joined the Idaho Army National Guard and began my journey in this Military Life.  When I was seven, I met a female Soldier and decided that is what I wanted to do when I was all grown-up.  When I turned 17, I walked into the Recruiting station and I've never looked back.

I always thought I'd serve in the Army for 20-30 years, that was the plan.  Obviously, that was not what happened, I served 11. It took me years to realize that my time as a Soldier was simply a stepping stone for what would be my destiny as an Army wife.  I didn't always appreciate that role but I do now know that is what the Lord had planned for me.  This chapter of my life has been a marvelous experience and I have been blessed time and time again with life changing opportunities that I could have only had being a part of the Army.

I have experienced the good, bad and ugly and feel grateful for every one of those moments.  The Army has given me love, confidence, family, patience, knowledge and so much more.  I have met some of the most amazing people who will forever be a part of my family.

Our time as an active duty Army family is slowly coming to an end.  That thought can be overwhelming at times but the reality is, that chapter must end and we must move forward onto whatever the Lord has in store for us next.  It's time to hand over the care to the next generation and to let them experience what we have.

I love the Army, my life has been richly blessed as a result of the oath I took almost 20 years ago.  I am proud to be a part of the legacy that has been protected by so many valiant men and women.

Thank you, Army, for helping me become the person I am today and giving me not only my immediate family but an extended family who will forever understand the pride I feel inside when I hear things like reveille and retreat or who's eyes tear up too when we hear our beloved National Anthem.  Thank you for being a constant reminder as to what is important in life and for teaching me what it means to walk among heroes.  Thank you for teaching me a level of patriotism that cannot be described in words.

Happy Birthday, U.S. Army...I don't have a gift for you but I'm grateful for all that you have given me.

We are Family

I have said it many times that the Military is one big, extended family.  That was proven again yesterday and today when our community came out in full support of helping honor a young Soldier who died while serving in Kuwait.  SPC Charles McClure's body was flown to Fort Leonard Wood and escorted through the installation and taken to a local funeral home yesterday.  The streets from the airport to funeral home were LINED the entire way.  To say I am humbled would be an understatement.  It was a beautiful sight to see.

Photo Copyright Daily Guide

Word came down that the church who likes to protest Soldier's funeral had issued a press release that they were coming to protest this young man's funeral.  Our community stepped up and said...no way!  I asked the boys last night if they wanted to go stand in support of this Fallen Soldier.  Their immediate response was YES!  Daniel told me that it made him angry and that if something happened to his Dad and they showed up, he would kick them in their face.  I love the bravery of an 11 year-old.

My boys, paying their respect

We got up this morning and we lined the street outside the cemetery.  I met some new people and reunited with others I have known since our time here.  I loved the spirit that I felt there, one of unification and community.

One of my favorite pics I snapped.  I recognized one of the wrestlers parking and when I walked down the hill a bit, I saw them hang this sign on his truck.  They were gracious enough to pose for me.  So proud of the youth in our community!

In recent weeks people have said some pretty ignorant comments to me in regards to our community.  They have made comments about the transition of the Military making their lives a bit hard.  As I stood on the side of the street today I thought briefly about those people and I suddenly felt sad for them.  They don't get it.  I looked to the left and the right of me and saw what it meant to live in this community and felt bad that they don't get to feel that sense of pride that can't even begin to be described in words.

Strangers lined up today and a family dispersed when the last vehicle left the cemetery.  I pray for the McClure family and hope that they felt uplifted in love and honor as they paid respects to their Soldier and said their goodbyes. Rest in Peace SPC McClure, we won't forget.

TDT #33 - 10 Years

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!

 All over my Facebook feed most of my Military friends are posting about it being 10 years since we invaded Iraq. 

Some of the pages have posted the question, "Do you remember what you were doing?"  Today's entry will be my answer to that question.

10 years ago, I was walking through the quiet of my house on Fort Knox, KY where Kevin was serving as a Drill Sergeant.  His unit was in the field so it was just me and my three boys who were 6, 4 and 2 at the time.  I recall watching the news in anticipation wondering what was going to happen.  I couldn't sleep.  I messed around online talking with many of my online friends in the various groups I belonged to.  It was interesting as my mommy groups that were primarily made up of those not affiliated at all with the Military chatted about everything but the invasion while my groups made up of Military Spouses flooded the message boards with chatter about what our future was going to look like.

At one point, Daniel cried out and I went to check on him as he lay in my bed.  I looked down at him as he stared back at me and I picked him up and wandered into the room that Michael and Neil shared.  They were both sound asleep.  I sat in the middle of their floor and cradled Daniel and soothed him back to sleep.  When he drifted off, I looked at all three of my boys and wondered how much their lives would shift once they woke up in the morning.  I cringed at the thought of how their lives could change in the next few hours and would it affect them immediately or over time.  My thoughts then shifted to the children in Iraq.  My  heart broke as I realized that their impact would be very sudden and physical.  I felt an ache in my stomach.  I went and laid Daniel back in bed and wandered back to my computer.

I went into one of the mommy groups I belonged to at the time and posted a prayer request...for our Military, our Nation and the children in Iraq.  I immediately got blasted by other members, told that we must be war hungry and that all our Soldiers wanted was to go and kill innocent women and children.  I remember feeling like I had been slapped.  I left that group that night and never went back.  I went into my Military Wives group and read through messages of fear, uncertainty and vulnerability.  I talked for hours in a chatroom with my sisters as we tried to map out our futures, as we discussed supporting our men in uniform and by simply saying we understood the mix of emotions we felt.

The next morning we woke up to the news that we were at war.  I knew right then as I got my boys ready for the day that our lives would never be the same.

In the past 10 years our lives have changed.  We have endured separation and pain.  We have attended funeral services and visited friends in hospitals.  Our family has sacrificed a lot...willingly.  Kevin could have gotten out, he chose to continue on and serve.  He volunteered to go to war.  He has defended this nation to protect his family.  While many have attacked our Troops and their service in Iraq, I am proud of him and all who have served over there.  I know they have made a difference, I believe in them and honor them.

I don't talk politics, I talk about the pride of knowing some of the most amazing people in this nation, our Military Servicemembers and I am proud to call so many friends.  I am proud to call myself the wife of a Soldier who serves for the future of his boys.

 

Thank you to all of our Iraq War Veterans and especially our Fallen Heroes and their Families, please know there is one family who will always support and who will never forget!

TDT #32 - Transitioning Army Wife

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!

 A few weeks ago, my time as an FRG leader officially came to end.  It's interesting as that phase of my life just simply drifted away.  It's kind of odd to know that I'm not really affiliated with any unit even though my husband is still actively serving.  Why is this even significant to write a blog about?  Well, for the last 12 years, I have been active in FRGs, and for the majority of the past 8-10 years have served in some type of leadership position among the group. 

I feel pretty fortunate that I have had mostly good experiences with the FRG.  Trust me, I've dealt with the special kind of crazy that often comes with that type of position but I have also had some of the most rewarding experiences of my life.  I have met some of the most amazing people who I call dear friends and I've met some pretty crappy people who I hope to never see again in my life (unfortunately, those are the ones that seem to always pop back in our lives!).

I'd like to think that the opportunities I have been blessed with while serving with the different FRG's has made me a better person.  I know that I have learned compassion on a whole new level, I have also learned patience.  I have been blessed with amazing mentors who really helped me out as a young wife.  I have gained a deep appreciation for our Soldiers and made some awesome connections with many of them and their families.  I have seen Army families at their best and their worst and I have seen them endure what some can't even imagine.  Even in the toughest of times, I have felt truly blessed with the opportunity to serve in a capacity that few ever get a chance to see.  I have experienced emotions that can't even be explained and it has been worth every moment!

There have been times when I was heartbroken to leave a unit behind and hand over my Soldiers to someone else.  Other times, I couldn't get away fast enough.  I have been to points of feeling so emotionally drained and I didn't know if I could ever try again.  I have always been drawn back though, knowing that I could make a small difference...some way...some how.  My last couple years have been at a much slower pace, leading a unit while in a garrison environment.  I realized quite a while ago that my time was almost over.  It was time to hand it over to the next generation.  I hope that I've done half as good a job as those who mentored me.  I hope that those who follow behind will take care of Soldiers and their Families and love them and appreciate the opportunities that they will be blessed with.

In 25 months our time in the Army will be done.  I realize that my role has significantly changed and now my focus has to be on me and my family as we transition out.

Thank you to all who have been a part of this chapter in my life.  Thank you for all the amazing experiences and memories that I will cherish forever. 

Are You Satisfied?

"Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?" Bob Marley

I posted this as my Facebook status the other day and it has really had me thinking.  Am I truly satisfied with the life I'm living?  For the most part I am.  But there is a part of my life I have been struggling with and even though I have known for months what I need to do, I have avoided doing it.

This past week I have spent a lot of time just thinking about things.  I took the week off from going into the office I basically volunteer full-time in and let me tell you how refreshing it was.  My reason for taking the week off was a sad one, but the timing of some extra time off to really focus on me was a blessing.  I don't think I have truly spent any of my time away from office alone.  I took most of the summer off to be with Kevin and the boys but I didn't get much "me" time mixed in that.

I have accepted that there are some aspects in my volunteer world that make me very unhappy.  I also have come to the realization that it has nothing to do with the organizations themselves but some of the people.  Michael helped me to realize that.  He had tried out and made the school play.  He was enjoying it at first but the drama teacher was very difficult to be around.  After a quite a few weeks of tolerating it, Michael made the decision to leave the toxic environment.  I was so proud of him for seeing that it wasn't worth the time and effort when one person made it difficult for everyone.  I thought it was a very responsible and adult decision to make.  It also made me realize that I have allowed myself to be sucked into a few different toxic environments.  

Those environments are draining...physically and emotionally.  I've struggled with my choice to continue in that direction, often becoming frustrated with myself for putting up with such toxicity in my life.  Michael helped me to realize what I already know but needed to be reminded of...I am in control.

As I took this week off to support a friend who lost her daughter unexpectedly, I was reminded that life is too short to put up with nonsense.  While many people don't understand the choices I make, I am not required to justify anything to them.

I need to shift my priorities a bit...well maybe not shift but live according to what I want without worrying about others.  I need to do what makes ME happy.

I am so grateful for the clarity I received this week and I am grateful for running across the quote I begin this entry with.  Sometimes we need reminders and while some reminders are harsh and bitter, they are there for our own good.

My goal in the next couple weeks is to adjust my life and priorities to where they need to be so I can say, "YES, I am satisfied with my life!"