I Cried

(photo courtesy of FLW PAO)

I woke up this morning and knew what was on the agenda before I even opened my calendar.

I cried.

I read an article talking about how two of the three fallen were a part of the recovery team of the helicopter that crashed with Seal Team Six.

I cried.

I got dressed and placed my "In remembrance" pin on my shirt.

I cried.

I walked into the chapel, I took my seat and I saw the "Battlefield Crosses" displayed on behalf of the three fallen fighters.

I cried.

My husband walked in and sat beside me, it was the first memorial he has ever attended with me.

I cried.

I read through the memorial program, reading about the lives of these three fallen men.

I cried.

I listened as they were eulogized by those who served with them, the closing remark of one young Soldier "I miss my friend" breaking my heart.

I cried.

The Chaplain quoted John 15:13 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. We are all their friends.

I cried.

A slideshow being played showing pictures of these three vibrant men, with smiles that appeared immortal.

I cried.

They called their names, the response was silence.

I cried.

21 Gun Salute was fired.

I cried.

Taps echoed through the chapel.

I cried.

On the back of the program were these words:

"Don't Weep For Me" Don't weep for me O'land of the free, When it was my time to fall. 'Twas for my country's call, 'Twas for the land that I loved that I gave my all And for the land that I loved I did freely give. And in her freedom and her courage, I'll continue to live.

1LT Ivan Lechowich, SPC Steven Gutowski, and PFC David Drake...you are worth every tear that was shed today.

We will never forget.

Deep Breath

*I wrote this last year, while Kevin was deployed and I was about to head out to a memorial service for a Fallen Soldier. I was having a conversation of sorts with someone on twitter about the feelings and it made me remember this, so I am posting it here.*

"Deep Breath" written in November 2008

I'm sitting here trying to get myself together. Taking deep breath over and over. In about a half hour I'll be leaving my house to attend a memorial service for a Soldier. (deep breath). As I go through a routine (why has it become a routine?) of sliding the black panty hose on, attaching my black ribbon laced with the yellow ribbon and the man down pin, I pause. Tears threaten to fall but I think that if I just take deep breaths I will stop them from streaming. I wonder...is this a dress rehearsal? Quickly I brush those thoughts from my mind but what if? (deep breath). I try to run through how the memorial service will go, play it through my mind. Somehow I think that if I can prepare myself enough I won't break down when they get to the point where they do the final roll call. They will call one name...SPC Whoever and you will hear "Here First Sergeant!". They will call another name, "Here First Sergeant!" and then they will call the names of those we are there to honor "SPC Soldier We Will Not Forget" pause, silence "SPC Soldier We Will Never Forget" pause, still silence and yet one more try, "SPC We Will Honor Always", still no reply. A pause and then the 21 Gun Salute following by the sound of Taps. All you will hear are the muffled tears of those in the chapel, my own included. I play that through my head over and over, heartbroken for the families who pray to hear that soft "Here First Sergeant" but who will only hear silence like the rest of us. I try to control the ache in my heart as I pray so hard selfishly to never be the one sitting in that front pew.

I take a deep breath as I prepare my keys, practice the smile and head out to pass through the gates, passing the memorial wall that these Soldier's names will soon be a part of. I will glance towards the other side of post where another memorial will be held at the same time in honor of a fallen Soldier who is in Kevin's brigade. I pause and look at Kevin's picture, his smile and beg the Lord that I will see it in person again...selfish I know...(deep breath).

Memorial Service

Today I attended a memorial service for some fallen Soldiers. It was a very interesting situation to find myself in. Memorial services of any type are always hard to attend. Soldier's memorials tear my heart apart. I went to support a friend. I went to support the family of a fallen Soldier. It's never supposed to be about you when you are there to offer support. I think on the outside I did what I was supposed to, I think I said the right words (and yes they were heartfelt), I gave the appropriate touches of support, I hope I accomplished whatever it is the Lord sent me to do.

On the flipside, at moments it very much became about me (not to anyone else but within myself). As I drove into the parking lot of the chapel, I remembered walking across that same concrete to attend the memorial service with Nita. As I entered the back door of the Chapel, I remembered milling around in there with the families of the Fallen almost 2 years ago. As we were escorted to the pew where the families were to sit, I was again transported to another memorial service. I glanced around me and saw the flags still hanging with the 4th ID insignia. I looked to my left and saw the one labeled with the 4. That was our flag, this was our chapel, that memorial was for our Soldiers. It was weird because the Chaplain that spoke was our chaplain, I remember calling him and reaching out for his support on April 29th, 2006. So again, in my mind...he was our Chaplain. It was almost like being a 3 year old on the verge of a tantrum, pouting and stomping their feet because they want something they feel is theirs. It doesn't matter that it's been given to someone else now, it was mine first and I want it back.

The reality is that it no longer is ours. The Army is all about change and all these things belong to others now. On the same note, it's a reminder that while the Army is constantly changing there are things that are very much the same. The rush of emotions today were much like the emotions I have felt during other memorials I've attended. I can always hold it together until I hear the Final Roll Call, the firing volleys and Taps. That's when I lose it. Those symbols of honor touch my heart. It's the finality of the situation at hand.

I know that a lot of what I felt today has to do with the impending deployment. This is the first service I've attended when Kevin was still at home. He couldn't attend, he was busy...busy packing for Iraq. They are in their final stages of predeployment. It was hard not to think about him while sitting in this chapel. This is the reality of our lifestyle.

I don't want to take anything away from the four Soldiers honored today. It truly is a privilege to attend any ceremony in which Soldiers are honored. I am grateful for these four men who paid the price for my freedom. I pray for their families and their fellow Soldiers continue to heal. I know that these men will not be forgotten.

Thank you SSG Bryant Mackey, CPT Torre Mallard, SGT Phillip Anderson, SPC Donald Burkett.

I couldn't write this blog and not mention the five men who's losses have truly affected me and it was their memorial services I was transported to many times throughout today. I know the men who were honored today won't be forgotten. I know this because it will soon be two years since we bid farewell to our own Fallen Heroes and I know their memories and legacies continue in the hearts of those who loved them and those they served with.

♥SGT Brandon Teeters, CPT James Funkhouser, SFC Bryant Herlem, SGT Jose Gomez, SGT Jeremy King♥