I Like Me

At 37, I have been through a lot in my life. I have accomplished many things and I have made a lot of mistakes. As I have been teaching and interacting with my young women at church, I really want them to know their self worth. I know I struggle with that myself at times but most days I feel like I am finally content with who I am. Flaws and all.

I was reading in Psalms today and was reminded of one of my girls favorite scriptures. "I praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well."

My Lord loves me for me.

Breakthrough

It's interesting the things that will trigger emotions in you.  Today it was a picture of food.  One of my friends posted some food on Facebook that she was taking her husband and the Soldiers in his unit.  That picture sparked memories of when I used to do the same thing for Kevin and his Soldiers.  So many units, so much time, so much pride.

That all changed during our time at Fort Hood.  His first unit was great, we built such a great bond.  So many of the people in that unit will remain close no matter where the Army sends us.  We endured so much.  We don't have to talk every day to know that we have each other's backs.

His second unit...not so much.

The recent shooting at Fort Hood stirred up conversation between Kevin and I about who we thought might still be there and how we hoped everyone was okay.  The conversation took a turn to some of the people who were in his last unit and how we thought they were doing.  We didn't linger over names because the memories that were brought back weren't good.  Don't get me wrong, there are a few people I feel so grateful to have met and I still keep in contact with them but there are many that I am okay with never crossing paths with ever again.

I know that sounds harsh and unforgiving.  Details aren't important but what I realized today is that unit broke me.  It broke me in so many ways.  It made me so that I have not given everything like I had before.  I didn't engage with families or Soldiers in Kevin's units since then.  It made me hesitant to care like I used to care.

Coming to that realization today breaks my heart.  I have always loved serving Soldiers and their Families and I do so in other ways but I have not let myself become too attached.  Some may say that's a good thing, but for me...it's not.

I suppose in many ways I was naive to think that the Army I loved so much would always protect me and my family.  When it didn't, it hurt...a lot.  

I admit I'm still very angry at certain people, I pray that someday I can move past certain names and be as forgiving as I know I should be.  I'm not there yet. I hope that today was a breakthrough to truly healing. 

7 Years

Every year we toast to Bryant with a glass of grape kool-aid.  (We don't drink alcohol so we go for one of his favorite non-alcoholic beverages)

I really wanted to post this entry yesterday, on the actual anniversary, but my emotions got the best of me.  Whenever I think about how I want to remember this date (April 28th), I always feel a bit selfish because I want to talk about how this event changed MY life.  I feel guilty because it shouldn't be about me but about the families that it happened to.  Trust me, that is always on the forefront of mind but it is always tied into my own emotions and personal growth.

I decided after lots of pondering that I would talk about how it changed me and why it is so important to me to remember.  Why does it still hit me to the core of my soul and make me want to cry?

I never would have imagined 7 years ago that I would be in a situation where I would be so close to someone who was living my worst nightmare.  Yes, this is every Military wife's worst nightmare.  We spend so much of our time preparing for the what if's but we never believe it will happen to us or anyone that we know.  We read the names and some of us take a little more time to find out a little more so that  you feel like you are truly honoring the fallen.  At least, that's what I did and still continue to do.  I truly believe that every Fallen Military Member deserves to be more than a name in a news article.  Kevin used to ask me why I did that to myself.  He would often find me crying over the loss of people I didn't even know.

Before the 28th, this crazy war and the ugly parts of it were coming forth in reality for me.  Our Squadron was taking hits.  Until the 28th though, it was all injuries and while many were severe and life changing, I was grateful that they were alive and I still continued to live in what I called "the bubble."

A week before SFC Bryant Herlem and SGT Jose Gomez were killed, some Soldiers in our Squadron were severely burned in an RPG attack on their Bradley Vehicle.  One of the Soldiers belonged to our unit and the others were in one of the other companies in our Squadron.  That rocked my boat a bit and shook me up.  One of the Soldiers involved in that incident eventually passed away from his injuries (God Bless You, Brandon Teeters).  The families in our unit were beginning to get a bit nervous as there had been another incident in the beginning of April that had resulted in a Soldier (someone I admire greatly and truly consider a hero) losing both his legs.  We still believed though that while we might have injuries, as devastating as they were, we could get through this deployment without any deaths.  We wanted to believe that.

April 28th started out like a normal day for me.  I got the kids up and off to school, I went and visited with some of the women in my church and I was having lunch with one of my really great friends when I received a call on my cell phone.  I recognized the number but couldn't really place it.  When I answered, the person asked for me and then identified themselves as SFC "B", Mrs. H's, casualty notification officer.  I swear that at that moment the world fell out from underneath me.  I recall my friend asking me what was wrong.  The Sergeant told me that my presence had been requested and could I come.  I replied with a yes and said I'd be there as soon as I could.  I left the baby I was babysitting with my friend, called my boy's school to let them know someone would be picking them up and then I started driving.  Here's the crazy part, I had no idea where I was going.  I had never been to LH's house...ever.  Until that day we were acquaintances.  She was one of my points of contact in my FRG and we had had lunch and chatted on the phone but hadn't really hung out.  Kevin and her husband knew each other as they worked with each other everyday and were friends, but her and I weren't (though I don't doubt that we would have become friends anyway!).

I called my Rear Detachment Commander to ask for directions on how to get to her house while I was driving.  He played it cool (something I will always respect him for) when I initially called because the notification for the other family had yet to be made.  In fact, he had not even received word that LH had been notified as it had happened only 10 minutes before.  When I relayed to him the call that I had received, he helped to direct me to her house and I arrived just under 15 minutes after she had been notified.

I walked into her house, walked straight past the notification officer and chaplain, grabbed her head and kissed her forehead.  I am not usually a touchy-feely person but upon reflection of that day I realized I wanted her to know that I was committed.

Here's what I realize about the events of that day.  I KNOW that I was supposed to be there for my dear friend.  There are no coincidences in life.  I never hesitated, I just went...no questions asked.  I have often analyzed that...analyzed...never questioned.  I know I was meant to be her support.

I also know that I was meant to learn and grow from this experience.  And I have.  I learned that I had to appreciate every moment.  I learned I had to create memories.  I learned I had to love with my whole heart and take chances.  I learned that I had to put my marriage and family first.  I learned that life is too short to put up with crap.  I was told that I was intense before, but this pushed me to a whole new level of intensity because now it was mixed with a deep passion to live my life in a way that would honor those who had sacrificed their lives for me.  Maybe not personally, but I would never again take advantage of their sacrifice.

I always thought that I was patriotic but this pushed me to a whole new level.  I feel my love for my country and those who defend her so deeply.  I try to live my life in a way that honors all who serve and especially those who have fallen. 

I also learned that I have a role in never forgetting those who sacrificed and paid the price for my freedom.  They cannot be forgotten if we remember and share who they are.  I carry that responsibility in my heart and I try to fulfill it with my actions.

I wear a bracelet everyday with Bryant and Jose's names on it.  There are times when I think it might be time to put it in the jewelry box but it never feels right.  I don't know if and when I will ever take it off but I know the time is not right now.  It is one of the most important pieces of jewelry I own and I wear it proudly because each time someone asks me what it's for, it helps me to keep my promise of carrying out the legacy of these two Soldiers who were taken away from us too soon.

Seven years ago my world shifted...not in the same manner as it did for the Herlem or Gomez families and I will never say that my journey is even similar.  I am honored that the Lord saw fit to send me to someone who would end up being one of my best friends.  I feel blessed that He trusted me with one of his children who would need love, support and commitment and I can honestly say, seven years later, that it has been worth every step of the journey. 

I can't change the events of April 28th, 2006 but as a result of them, I am a changed person.

Peaceful Contemplation

Life is Beautiful (picture taken by my sweet friend Kristi and edited by me)

Yesterday morning I woke up and felt angry.  We had received some news on Thursday evening that kind of shifted our focus for a bit.  It's the kind of news that sort of affects us but not really.  I know that doesn't make a lot of sense but it isn't our news and in the big scheme of things we are okay and will be okay.

As I have mentioned before, I am a deep processor, I like to really analyze things.  When I woke up yesterday morning feeling out of sorts emotionally, I started breaking things down.  I normally do not enjoy the beginning of this process because it makes me really sensitive emotionally and usually sparks tears and some heartache.  Now, neither of those things are a bad thing.  A lot of times, the emotions sparked are great reminders to me of how truly blessed I am.  On the opposite end, it also allows me to see things with much more clarity and forces me to make decisions that I may have pushed to the side.

As I was contemplating my life and the many things in it, I realize I have outgrown some people in my life.  I realize that I have a lot of toxic relationships in my life.  Some of those I have held onto simply because it seemed safe and others because I don't want to deal with the drama that might come if I sever ties.  It's an interesting place to be. 

I have a very close and sweet friend who I am constantly advising to cut ties with people who bring nothing to her life.  I always tell her to ask herself if she would be friends with these people outside a certain demographic they share.  What I realized yesterday is that I really need to take my own advice.  I also got some good stuff from watching The Real Housewives of Orange County (hey, don't judge me, HA!) when crazy Alexis told her husband that you can still be friends with someone even if you don't get along with all of their friends.  That is so true.

This past week I also had an interesting encounter with somebody.  They told me straight to my face that they did not like me.  I'm guessing she was expecting some type of dramatic reaction but since I don't really care for her either and had decided long ago that she was a non-factor in my life, I just didn't care.  It led to a very interesting conversation between her and I, the end result being that none of her opinions really matter to me.  She is the type of person who is very toxic and brings people down, she takes it wherever she goes and who needs that in their life? I hope she feels better about confronting me and that she can move forward now.  The encounter did nothing for me.

Last, I have an amazing family!  I KNOW I am truly blessed with good kids and a loving husband.  Kevin and I work hard to instill good morals and values into the boys.  We talk a lot with the boys about life.  We are not friends with our kids and we have high expectations.  We are disappointed often, that's the process of parenthood.  We try to take each obstacle and use it as a teaching point with them.  We get complimented often on our boys and their behavior.  That is NOT an accident, that is a lifetime of hard work and effort!

Why do I bring this last part up?  I had someone tell me recently that they are sick of my "perfect" life and overly positive FB statuses where all I talk about is all the good things my boys do.  They told me that my kids weren't perfect and I should post that part too.  I chuckled at that.  First, I'm turned off by people who constantly berate their children in FB statuses.  Second, I don't see the point of spreading negativity.  That might work for others, but it's not me.  My children make plenty of mistakes, but public humiliation isn't the route we choose to take, instead we offer love, understanding and face to face interaction.  I vent to close friends who love my kids just as much as we do.  There are many different ways to parent...this is our way.

Last night, as I went to bed, I reflected back on my day and the thoughts that I processed.  Overall, what I decided is that I'm really blessed and I'm right where the Lord wants me to be, doing what He wants me to do.  I feel at peace with my life.

Sometimes....

I wonder..are we really where we are supposed to be? Sometimes it's hard to have the faith we need to accept the place we are at.

I like Fort Leonard Wood, it's growing on me. I'm slowly finding my footing here, getting involved and making friends. Yet there is still a HUGE ache in my heart when I allow myself to think about the relationships I built there. I really miss it.

But more so...I miss the opportunities my kids had there. Slowly they are finding things here but it's not the same. My kids all miss Chess terribly..there is nothing really here for them. I tried to contact the high school Chess coach here to see if he knew about anything but like all the other teachers it seems in this school district, he couldn't be bothered with responding. This week, there are state championships in TX, I KNOW my kids would have been there and they would have done well. They worked hard all these years and surely deserve that experience, but instead here we are in a place where no one even cares. I feel bad for them because they mention it.

We try hard to remind them that life is about change and that we go to different places for different experiences. This isn't always an easy lifestyle and lots of sacrifices come. They are slowly finding their footing too. We finally broke down and bought Michael a bassoon since the school district was one again not helpful in that situation and we knew he just wasn't happy with playing the flute. I was able to find one on ebay for a decent price and now he is happy. Neil and Daniel are both making friends. I think Michael is too but he's at that awkward age..we're just trying to do the right thing.

Right now outside of Scouts, the boys are not involved in anything extra-curricular and I really hate that. They aren't really into sports and the sports that were open when we moved here had already started, so even if they wanted to play, they missed the cutoff.

We make a lot of sacrifices in this lifestyle and perhaps we feel it more this time around because we were at Fort Hood for so long (the longest we have ever been) or maybe it's because the boys are getting older. We'll get through this but it is hard.

Sometimes I wonder if we harm our kids with all the moves and changes..

Sometimes I just wish things could stay the same...

Sometimes...you just want things to be the same...just for a little while longer...but only sometimes...

Flashback Friday - Perspective

*I actually wrote this in August 2009 as we were preparing to move...I wrote it for a blog I was contributing to at the time, I thought I'd share it here since I seem to be talking to a lot of people lately about perspective*

I love being an Army wife. It makes me happy and gives me so much joy. On occasion it brings me much sadness. It all evens out.

This morning I sat on my front porch watching the sun rise over Fort Hood, TX. I sat back and listened to the bugle call signifying the start of the duty day. I smiled as I reflected about our time here at "The Great Place".

We have lived here for almost 5 years. It's been quite a journey here. We have experienced great joy and great sadness. It is said in the Bible that one can't truly appreciate one without the other and I think that is true.

In about 5 or so weeks, we will be bidding farewell and moving on to our next duty station, Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. We are very excited about the new adventure the Army will send us on. We look forward to the new experiences awaiting us.

I truly believe Army life and how you live it depends on your perspective. We've learned many lessons here. We've had many laughs and many tears but we will leave here stronger then ever, as individuals and as a family.

In the 5 years we have lived here, our Soldier has went to Iraq twice. Both times we faced trials and tribulation. We faced some of the heaviest burdens our hearts have carried to date. We have heard TAPS played in remembrance of our Fallen Friends and shed silent tears as we heard their names repeated over and over during Final Roll Call. We have heard the deafening cheers of families awaiting the unloading of the buses that carried their Soldiers home after a very long 12-15 months apart. We have somewhere in the midst of all that dealt with our own fears and joys and mixed emotions.

We have picked up many friends along this journey, more to add to our extended family, one of the greatest perks of being a military family. Relationships that carry through time and miles.

Yes, as the sun is now almost fully risen, I can see that life here at Fort Hood has been good to us.

“Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.”

A Trip Down Memory Lane

I was having a twitter conversation about how we support one another in our home and it reminded me of how much Kevin includes us in his success as a Soldier. I am always humbled. He made a video last year but it's personal and I'll keep that just for me but this was a note he wrote on Mother's Day 2006 while deployed to Iraq. Here it is just as he wrote it on his MySpace blog.

My Wife, I Love You Baby
Mood: Thankful

I just want to tell you a little about a vey special woman in my life.
We met just over 11 years ago, at Ft Campbell, KY, where we were both stationed at. I used to make her do push ups during Air Assault PT, oh what fun that was. She thought I was egotistical, and I thought she was full of herself. I guess men don't stop thinking of girl's like that, even as a growen up, when they really must like someone.
We used to hang out and then it started to grow from there. We have been through some tough times, but i would not trade one moment of what we have been through for anything. We have been married for 10 yrs now and have 3 handsome boy's.
My wife is amazing, she is my hero, she may have left the Army but the Army has never left her, she is passing on traditions to our children some of which are fading if we do not keep them alive. She takes care of those three beautiful gift's that have been given to us by Our Heavenly Father. My wife is tough as nails, and has a great spirit about her.
She is the Cub Master at our church, and I know that those kid's are going to remmeber the thing's they did together for a long time coming. She is part of the PTO at the boy's school and again there are thing's those kid's are going to remember for a long time. You see she does not want glory or lots of praise she simply thinks about those kid's.
She also is the Family Readiness Group Leader for our Troop, HHT 8th Squadron 10th Cavalry, 4th BDE, 4th ID. To that, she is trying to keep the loved ones left behind while we are in Iraq, informed and answer as many questions as posible. Well this comes with a price, she must also be there when one of the soldier's is injuried or killed. So often it is said, I hope that we never have to deal with that aspect, even though we know it is a reality. On April 28th 2006 2 soldier's from my section, SSG Bryant Herlem and SGT Jose Gomez were killed in action. She has to be there for the families, and be strong and yet still deal with the daily aspect that I am here also, and yet be there for Michael, Neil and Daniel. People tell her that your so strong but yet her heart aches and she wants to cry for those whom we have lost, but still she must be there for the families. I want to be able to be there for her and hold her, so she can say I'm not ok, I feel sad, my heart aches. But I can't hold her.
She must continue on this journey that we are on 7000 miles apart.
I have been Blessed with an Eternal Family, what a gift we have been given. To be able to share the same Beliefs, Values, Trust and Love with someone who still makes my heart flutter when we are together or talking on the phone or chatting online.
Who is this woman? you're saying to yourself. Well, she is a Vetren, a Mother of 5 kid's (including myself, and Gizmo our little Diva dog), my Wife, she is my best friend, my lover but most important My Eternal Companion on this Eternal Journey. I am so proud of her. Now your saying to yourself what is her name? It is Nadine, and all I want to do for her is to hold her and tell her HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, YOU HAVE GIVEN ME THREE OF THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT'S OF ALL. I LOVE YOU BABY, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
Please on this day remember the families of SSG Herlem and SGT Gomez. God Bless You all

Fort Hood Memories Part 6

Time seemed to go by awfully fast during our R&R, we tried to just focus on us as a family and not think about the stress that we had to deal with while separated. It was nice just to be a family again. We kept telling ourselves that when he went back it would only be for about six weeks and then he would be home. We just did 10 months, we could handle six weeks!

When we dropped him off at the airport you would have thought we were sending him off for another year...we were just an emotional mess.The next six weeks were horrid, they tacked on extra time for Kevin by putting him on a detail. He no longer worked with the trifling LT but he was done with this unit. So was I. While he spent time struggling over there with the Soldiers in his unit, I was back here struggling with the families and Rear D. We both tried our best, but the countdown was not going fast enough. Kevin did have some good things going, he was working in an area now where he felt he could make a difference. But it was too late, he was ready to be done and come home. And I was ready to have him home.

As his time came nearer to be home, it became harder for me. I did the best I could to support the Soldiers and their families. I still love taking care of Soldiers, this experience would not change that. The boys and I helped prepare the barracks for the single Soldiers and I attended 11 homecomings before Kevin came home. Each one became harder and harder to attend. Especially when his entire command team came home and he was still hanging out in Kuwait. We were also praying that Kevin would make it home in time for our youngest son's birthday. Kevin had never been home ON Daniel's birthday. Ever. All Daniel wanted for his birthday was his dad, that's it. I prayed and prayed that his wish would come true. It did, Kevin made it home 2 days before his birthday.

My love was home...it was time to start the next chapter in our lives. We were on orders to Fort Leonard Wood, MO. Many don't understand that we need this break, we need the slower pace to process the last 5 years of our lives. We need to regroup as a family and work through things we have set aside. We have done all that the Army has asked of us and we asked the Army for some reprieve. That is what we pray for as we go through our time here.

We are grateful for our time at Fort Hood, we are grateful for the experiences. While we endured much hardship, we also obtained a lot of growth. There are things I wish I had the power to change and other things I wouldn't change for the world. We are a faith based family. We know the Lord's hand is in all things. We know we were placed at Fort Hood for the very experiences we had.

Yes, there were times when we were broken down, but we always came back...even stronger. One thing we learned for sure is that we can handle whatever the Army and life throws at us...we are a family..an Army family, we only get stronger with time and experience.

Fort Hood Memories Part 5

So as I mentioned previously we had 18 months between deployments to Iraq. While Kevin was gone for much of it, we tried our best do do the best we could to spend time as a family and appreciate the time we did have. Sometimes it's hard to do when you have deployment lingering over you, it's even harder when there are so many unresolved issues from the previous deployment but what can you do? We pressed on. We watched many of our friends struggle as well, for our fellow Soldiers and families in 8-10, the cost of the previous deployment was high. Many families were broken, many Soldiers were broken and here we were prepping for another rotation.

We went to a new unit, it was a very hard transition. They didn't have to deal with the same things we had. It was hard for me, I know it was hard for Kevin. We did the best we could. I know I didn't connect to the families or Soldiers the way I had previously, it just hurt to much when I did that. So I stayed away. Looking back I feel bad about that but I know that there wasn't much I could do. Originally the brigade was on orders for a 15 month rotation. Few believed it would actually go that long, but we prepared nonetheless. Kevin and I decided that we would try to plan for R&R to be the lastest we could possibly get. Even if it meant that we would miss it if they shortened the tour, both of us remembered how hard the previous R&R had been.

This goodbye was so different. Everyone stayed with their Soldier, there was no real lingering. I didn't take pics really of anyone else. I cherished every last moment I could with my Soldier. The previous time we said goodbye, I would not cry in front of Kevin. This time the tears flowed freely. I was angry this time, I had to share Kevin with his Soldiers. He'd stay with us a few minutes and then go check on his Soldiers or go find some paperwork. I felt cheated and annoyed.

Finally it was just us...Kevin told me I could go, but I wouldn't, I needed to spend every last possible second with him that I could. The boys needed to be with their daddy.


Finally the white buses pulled up and it was time to go. I wasn't ready but I had no choice. Everywhere around me families were sobbing. I had a good cry and then the boys and I went home. This wasn't our first, probably wouldn't be the last, we could get through and we would..one day at a time.

The biggest challenge with this deployment would not be the combat aspect but in dealing with the people within our own unit. I'm an honest person so I am not going to pretend that every unit we have ever been with has been the best, this has been the worst. There were good individuals in the unit but I have to say that there was no unit cohesiveness and there were many internal problems. I won't go into all of them because that is not what my blog is about but I will mention what I feel is pertinent to us.

The first couple months weren't so bad but then Kevin got a new LT in his platoon. All I will say about her is that I think her parents would be ashamed (or I would hope they would be) about her behavior and her actions. I can't even type about her without my blood pressure going up. Having a leadership team that has contention is never a good thing in a platoon and sadly that is what happened. It made for a very stressful tour for Kevin and for me since I had the privilege of being the one who listened to all the problems. I am not one of those wives who thinks my Soldier is perfect, I am aware he makes mistakes and he will be the first one to tell you that he has. That said, there was turmoil in this platoon. I have never been as disgusted over Soldiers as I was with some of the Soldiers in his platoon and their need to please a female over someone who went to bat for them and cared for them. I also am disgusted with the leadership who knew, acknowledged and let her continue.

This tour was hard on Kevin and on me, I felt helpless. Because we had a later R&R date, we had 10 months of time to get through before he would come home on a break. That time crept by. Everyday for him got worse in having to deal with the internal platoon problems.

On Valentine's Day, I think we hit rock bottom. Kevin was involved in an accident. I am still hurt by the actions of his entire unit in regards to that situation, his LT preyed on it and made it a bigger issue then necessary. I had no support whatsoever from his unit. I was angry and hurt and I felt helpless because my husband was over 7000 miles away and I could not take care of his emotional or physical needs.

I only let a few people know about that situation, I didn't trust anyone, I felt very alone. My husband felt very alone. We still had 6 weeks before he would be home for R&R. We didn't know how we could make it until then.

Finally...my love came home on R&R, we were together again...we could take care of each other...

Fort Hood Memories Part 4

I wish I could say that the deployment ended for us on December 3, 2006. It didn't. Those who have been to combat or have supported someone who has been to combat know that many times deployment doesn't end at the homecoming ceremony. There was so much that needed to be processed, experiences reflected on and pondered.

But...like so many others...who had time for that? Before our unit even came back we already knew that they would be heading back anywhere from 12-18 months later.

We got 18 months and 7 days...kind of.

During Kevin's "dwell time" he went to school for an entire summer, did two National Training Rotations (Fort Irwin, 30-45 days each), one Joint Readiness Training Rotation and two local field exercises. It was great having him stateside but he wasn't home. And he certainly didn't have time to process his previous deployment. Nor did I really, since I was still doing my best to keep our home running with three active boys.

I did the only thing I knew how. Made myself busy. There were few things I didn't volunteer for. Need an FRG leader, I'm your girl, oh wait PTA, sure sign me up! Army Family Team Building, why not, I'm living the life. Cub Scouts, well my boys go, why not me too! That was how I coped. How did Kevin cope...to be honest I don't think he did. He switched units and helped that unit get prepared to deploy. We went from a Combat unit to a Support unit..a very different mentality. It was an adjustment for both of us.

I know my husband came back from his tour to Iraq different. But I wouldn't expect him to be the same, life experience changes us. We didn't talk much, I tried not to push him. I know he was trying to protect me. He was upset that I knew as much as I did about certain situations. There are many things we didn't talk about at first. I knew things bothered him. To this day, he still has dreams, he doesn't remember them but they scare me at night.

That 18 months is a blur really. I know we visited the memorials of his fallen friends. I thought it would be healing, now I wonder if I pushed too much, too soon.

Fort Hood Memories Part 3

We sent our Soldier back to war, six months down, six more to go. How would we survive. I spent the first couple days wondering how I had made it through the first six months when just trying to look forward to the next six were so overwhelming to me. I continued to take care of my kids, volunteering for the unit and just trying to get through each day the best I could. I could lie and say that I picked myself up and handled those last six months like a true Army Wife Veteran. I didn't. I put the best smile on everyday and went about my business but each night, I laid in my bed awake, sobbing. Worrying about my husband, crying for my friends who had lost their loves and wondering what the war would bring for us next.

In August, we all started to feel comfortable again when we lost another Soldier in our Squadron. Upon hearing the name, the connection was bad and I thought it was another Soldier in our unit, I almost couldn't handle it. I can't explain how you feel when it's just a little closer to you. When I found out that the Soldier was in a different troop, I had a sigh of relief following immediately with guilt for feeling that way. SGT Jeremy King was killed by a sniper. A few weeks later one of his friends would share a pic of him with his new baby. He had met his child while home on leave just a few weeks before his death. That picture was more then I could handle. I spent hours sobbing. I was done, I was ready for this deployment to be over, time was not going by fast enough.

I honestly can't tell you how I got through those next few months. As we begin to approach homecoming, we were busy, crazy busy planning a nice welcome home for our troops. I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I was excited my Soldier was coming home but I could not get past the fact that not all of our Soldiers were coming home. There would those who would not run into the gym and my mind could not get past that. While everyone else was planning that "moment" I didn't want mine because of the guilt I had that my friend wouldn't have hers and neither would many others in our Brigade.

My friend Nita told me she wanted to go to every homecoming. To this day I am impressed with her strength, she says she was numb but I know there was an amazing amount of strength underneath that numbness. Together we went to homecoming after homecoming.

My husband was on the last flight (so typical), the boys were excited, I was still mixed with emotions. I remember getting to the gym, staking our area, meeting the other families and preparing myself. I was nervous...happy, sad, numb. One of the other wives told me that I couldn't cry, they were all counting on me to hold it together (gee, no pressure!). I tried to keep myself busy talking to the families, entertaining my kids but I was a mess. When they announced that the buses were on their way, I started taking deep breaths. I was doing the best I could to keep it together. When the music started and they lined up kids to welcome the Soldiers through the door, I almost passed out. My mind had so many thoughts...do I run to him, do I wait for him to come to me...what do I do? Kevin was the third Soldier to run in the door. It doesn't matter that there were a hundred other Soldiers, I know my love and my radar clicked in. Our eyes connected and I knew he was home. Those two minutes of waiting seemed like a lifetime. When the Colonel announced dismissed, I froze! LaNita shoved me off the bleacher and sent me into the arms of my love. We were together again...

Kevin with his buddy MSG Daniel Robles who lost both of his legs in Iraq, April 2006, one of my heroes!Kevin hugging LaNita Herlem, proud widow of SFC Bryant Herlem, KIA 28 April 2006, Iraq

Fort Hood Memories Part 2

So our guys headed off to Iraq the first week of December 2005. Most of us did our best to just keep going. Going through the moments, living in what I now call the "bubble". A lot of us didn't know what to expect and we were naive...really that's what it was, we were naive. We heard of other units losing Soldiers, but it was them, not us. We were invincible. It's not like I personally had not known Soldiers who had been killed. One of our neighbors from Fort Knox was killed at a checkpoint in Iraq. My brother lost his squad leader in a rollover. I knew the cost personally, but not close enough that I could still live in the confines of that "bubble".

Christmas 2006 was largely overshadowed with worry as my husband was one of a few Soldiers from his unit convoying from Kuwait to Baghdad, we prayed that both Santa and the Lord would get them to their destination safely.

I was very involved in the FRG and attended many trainings and forums. My heart broke when we would meet with other units within our brigade and hear that they had casualties. My heart broke but it was still far enough away from me that I wasn't too affected. It was in late February or so when we had our first serious injury. The crazy thing about it, no one thought it was that serious. Even when my husband told me, it was almost in a nonchalant way. When the Soldier was shipped to Germany and didn't return was when they realized it was serious. He had some shrapnel in his eye and to this day is still receiving treatment and surgeries for it. That was the beginning. In a matter of four weeks, we suffered injuries and death in our unit. Our "bubble" was burst. We had a Soldier lose both his legs in an IED incident. Just a couple weeks later an RPG hit one of our Bradley's causing serious injuries to all riding and burning one so badly he died from his wounds 3 weeks later (SGT Brandon Teeters). Just over a week after the Bradley incident we had the first losses of the tour. I didn't know how much this incident would change my life. My husband lost two friends, his brothers in arms. SFC Bryant Herlem and SGT Jose Gomez were killed by an IED on 28 April 2006.This event would be a turning point not only for this deployment but in our lives as well. It had a significant impact on our unit, my marriage and me individually. I learned a lot through this experience. I gained a lot. I gained a new friend (LaNita Herlem), I learned what mattered. I lost a lot as well, some innocence, some fair-weathered friends. It was interesting to see who stepped up and who backed away. I had some hurt feelings but overall it was a learning experience for me to see what the meaning of "friendship" truly was.

I won't go into detail how this event really affected me as it is quite personal and I admit that I am still working through many things.

I learned from my friend LaNita to make every moment count. Be good to your spouse and make the relationships you have matter. I don't stress about the big things, I appreciate the small things.

I wish that I could say those were our only losses, two losses too many but we would lose two more Soldiers in our Squadron and numerous others within our Brigade. We would be affected by a loss of a Soldier in another unit. CPT James Funkhouser, an officer who Kevin had served closely with before he went to take command of another unit. That loss also hit Kevin hard. It was the first time that Kevin forgot my birthday. CPT Funkhouser's memorial service in Baghdad was on June 2, 2006, my birthday. I couldn't be upset about a forgotten birthday when others were suffering a loss so big.

Kevin would come home on R&R just a week or so later. Already I could see a change. We muddled through our 15 days together, but the reality of war lingered over us heavily.


15 days isn't enough time to process such life altering experiences. You put on your best smile and you take each day as it comes.

From the beginning, we knew we had a great responsibility to honor the legacies of those who had fallen. Sending Kevin back, after our "bubble" had been burst was hard. It was harder then sending him away the first time. I didn't know how I could get through it.

To be continued...

Fort Hood Memories Part 1

Since getting here to Fort Leonard Wood, we have had some down time. A lot of down time to be honest as we sit in limbo as previously stated in other entries. It's pretty much the first time that I've been able to really stop and think and process some of the experiences that we had at Fort Hood.

We got to Fort Hood in Dec 2004 and hit the ground running. Kevin was one of the few Soldiers that was with that brigade right from the start, he even got there before his own Squadron Commander. We knew from the time we signed in that he would deploy, in fact we went to Fort Hood so he could deploy. I won't lie, that scared the hell out of me.

Kevin got a couple months to get settled and then all the training and chaos started. They went from standing up a brigade from basically nothing to deployed in 11 months. I think few of us knew what to expect. I know many of us were in selfish mode, we were all cordial with one other at FRG meetings and other social events but for the most part we were all greedy with the time that we had to spend with our own Soldier. I know we were. The Soldiers grew close which is good but most of the family members didn't know each other until AFTER the guys left.

Our guys were scheduled to deploy the first week of December 2005. The anticipation has built up to an intense level. We had been told so many things throughout the 11 months that most of us were ready to say the goodbye, it couldn't be worse then the waiting (at least that's what we thought). Thanksgiving was the last holiday we would spend together before shipping the guys out. It would be a memorable one but not the way you think.

In the early hours of Thanksgiving we received a call letting us know that one of Kevin's Soldiers had been in a car accident in the middle of the night and was not expected to make it. It put many of the families in our platoon in an odd position. We all wanted this last holiday, they all felt it was their duty to be with one of their own. In the end, most of them, including Kevin left their families and went to the hospital. It was a bittersweet experience for us because I hated that he wasn't home with us but grateful that he was willing to honor his position as a leader. He spent a lot of his last week home at the hospital. I had to put a lot my selfishness aside and allow him to do what he felt he needed to. It was also comforting to me to know that the Soldiers he would deploy with were willing to band together for this Soldier stateside, it let me know they would watch out for one another in combat.

A few days later we would say goodbye to our Soldier and those in his unit...for some...it would be their last goodbye.

The morning we took our Soldier to get on the ugly white buses was hard. It was a somewhat nice day but the silence was deafening. All around us Soldiers and their families were huddled together, trying to make every minute count. The wait is torture. You want every second you can get but then you also want to get it overwith, it's a true mix of emotions. I was the Family Readiness Group leader and felt that I should try to take as many pics as I could. I had a friend with me who was snapping away. I still find myself looking at those pics and thinking back to that day. Most welcomed the photo opportunity, a few didn't. I'll never forget that my dear friend Nita and her husband didn't want a photo. At first I honored that request but then I told them I didn't care, I was going to take one anyway. It would be the last picture taken of the two of them together.

I also snapped many pics of Soldiers who's families weren't there, just so I could load them and share them later. Many of the Soldiers were still putting some of their equipment together. SGT JLO and SGT G were two of them. I remember laughing with them about how long it took for them to get their sling together for their weapon. I don't have to look at a picture to remember that moment. Just a few months later, the picture I took of SGT Jose Gomez would be in newspapers everywhere when they ran the article about him being killed in Iraq.
What I initially remembered about the day we put our Soldier on the bus and bid farewell ended up not being what I would remember about that day after all.

To be continued....

Duck, Duck, Goose

One of our favorite things to do here in Texas has been visiting the Duck Pond at the college not far from our house. We go out there and the kids have a good time chasing down ducks to feed and then the ducks chase the boys as they get greedy for more bread. It's always a fun time. As our time is winding down here in Texas we wanted to head out and do this activity one more time. We had a lot of fun feeding the ducks and also seeing fish and turtles for the first ever in that pond. I was a little worried the boys would lean too far over and fall in, lol.

After we were out of bread, we sat on the bridge and talked about our time here. I asked each of the boys what they enjoyed most about our time here in Texas.

Daniel - Enjoyed having a great chess coach and getting to be on a chess team.

Neil - Getting to stay in one place for longer then 2 years.

Michael - Getting to make new friends and having Adrienne as a best friend all the time we have lived here.

Kevin - Being able to spend time as a family when he was home.

Nadine - The experiences the Lord gave us, even the hard ones. The growth we have had as a family and as individuals.

In the coming weeks, our blog will be plagued with reflection of our time here. It's bittersweet as we prepare for the next chapter in our Army book.