Breakthrough

It's interesting the things that will trigger emotions in you.  Today it was a picture of food.  One of my friends posted some food on Facebook that she was taking her husband and the Soldiers in his unit.  That picture sparked memories of when I used to do the same thing for Kevin and his Soldiers.  So many units, so much time, so much pride.

That all changed during our time at Fort Hood.  His first unit was great, we built such a great bond.  So many of the people in that unit will remain close no matter where the Army sends us.  We endured so much.  We don't have to talk every day to know that we have each other's backs.

His second unit...not so much.

The recent shooting at Fort Hood stirred up conversation between Kevin and I about who we thought might still be there and how we hoped everyone was okay.  The conversation took a turn to some of the people who were in his last unit and how we thought they were doing.  We didn't linger over names because the memories that were brought back weren't good.  Don't get me wrong, there are a few people I feel so grateful to have met and I still keep in contact with them but there are many that I am okay with never crossing paths with ever again.

I know that sounds harsh and unforgiving.  Details aren't important but what I realized today is that unit broke me.  It broke me in so many ways.  It made me so that I have not given everything like I had before.  I didn't engage with families or Soldiers in Kevin's units since then.  It made me hesitant to care like I used to care.

Coming to that realization today breaks my heart.  I have always loved serving Soldiers and their Families and I do so in other ways but I have not let myself become too attached.  Some may say that's a good thing, but for me...it's not.

I suppose in many ways I was naive to think that the Army I loved so much would always protect me and my family.  When it didn't, it hurt...a lot.  

I admit I'm still very angry at certain people, I pray that someday I can move past certain names and be as forgiving as I know I should be.  I'm not there yet. I hope that today was a breakthrough to truly healing. 

Homecoming Emotions & Memories

As I was sitting this morning writing in my journal, I started to replay yesterday.  It was a great day for the most part but I admit I had a few hours where I felt completely overwhelmed with emotion over something that could be considered silly.  I went to a dear friend's homecoming to take pictures and then got home and was so excited to go through them and get them uploaded for her when I opened my camera and saw that there was no SD card.  I was DEVASTATED, to say the least.  I cried, I was so heartbroken.  Thankfully Kevin had been with me and took some great video and I was still able to put together a video but I was still so upset. 

Later I finally sent a text to my friend to let her know what had happened and how sorry I was.  She was so forgiving (as I expected her to be even though I still felt horrible).

I started to analyze what made me so upset about this that it brought me to laying in my bed in tears.  It comes down to all the emotions tied into this lifestyle.  I wanted to capture a precious moment for them and didn't.  But as I reflected some more I thought back to yesterday morning as I arrived at the gym where the homecoming was held and remembered the flood of memories that hit me as I walked in the door.  I have pictures from the last few homecomings for our family but what I fail to remember is the memories that are etched forever in my heart.  They are still as clear as if yesterday was my own homecoming.  I remember the smiles, the tears, the feelings.  I remember it all and while it has been a blessing to come across a picture every now and again, I can pull up those memories whenever I want.  I hope the same can be true for my sweet friends.

And if not, at least we were able to get this short video for them.  I love you Lopez Family, thank you for allowing me to share in your special moments.

What's a Picture Really Worth?

You've heard that "a picture speaks a thousand words"?  I may take that a bit literal.  It's no secret to anyone who has known me but a few minutes that I love my camera.  I often get made fun of because I am always snapping pictures of nearly every aspect of our life.  I torture my family by getting family pictures done at least once a year.  I'm quite intense about it.  I have taken thousands upon thousands of pictures this year.  I would say the majority of them are pretty crappy.  I bought myself a new camera but I won't lie, I don't really know how to use it properly...but I'm learning.

So the question I get asked all the time is why...why do you take so many pictures?  Last night as I was trying to find a picture to show a friend of ours, I went through a few albums and came across one from Kevin's deployment to Iraq in 2005/2006.  I came across this picture:

Suddenly I was overwhelmed with emotion.  I was irritated a few days ago when someone made a snarky comment about not recognizing me without my camera at the boys wrestling practice.  While I paused and pondered over this image I realized why.

I have known for a long time why I am so attached to my camera and it has to do with that man in the picture, Bryant.  Bryant was killed a few weeks after that picture was taken by my husband.  I had sent a camera with Kevin and insisted that he take pictures.  I know he didn't like taking pictures but he loves me and was willing to do it for me.  Most of the Soldiers were happy to pose. The majority of the families left behind were grateful when I had a picture to share.

On 28 April 2006, I received a phone call from a casualty notification officer telling me that LaNita was requesting my presence.  As much as I wanted to believe it wasn't the worst, I knew deep in my heart that it was.  As I spent the afternoon with her and the many days, weeks and months with her following that phone call, I felt blessed that she shared with me glimpses of her life with Bryant.  We spent hours poring over photo albums and we cried, we laughed and she even got mad when she saw a picture of him with a big wad of chew in his mouth.  She told me time and time again how grateful she was for those pictures.  Since then, every picture has become a treasure.

I realized that it had been a long time since had a family picture done.  I had very few pictures of Kevin and I together.  I had few pictures that I was even in.  I made a decision right then that I would change that.  Just a few weeks later Kevin came home and we had one of the most emotionally charged photo shoots ever.  Those pictures will always be some of my favorites because not only were they great, they were part of our healing process and part of our promise to move towards the future.

Since then I have made it my goal to try and capture moments.  I may take hundreds of pictures at a single event and most may come out bad but there is usually one that makes me smile or cry or just remember and I feel blessed by that.  I have no desire to be a professional photographer (way too much pressure) but I will always love snapping photos.  I want to always be able to be able to connect a tangible reminder to a wonderful moment in my life and the lives of those I care about.  With Kevin being gone this year I want to keep him as connected as possible and pictures and technology are a wonderful way to do that.

So when people ask me why I take so many pictures, my answer will be...because a picture is worth a thousand words and a tangible connection to precious and priceless moments in our lives.