Huh?

That's how I feel. Still after a couple days, I am still in disbelief at the events that occurred at Fort Hood. I'm a mix of sadness and anger. I've tried to stay away from the media because I find that it makes me angry. There are many things I am disappointed about. I'm disappointed about those who are just stepping forward to say "oh I always wondered about him". Yeah, now? A little too late don't you think? I'm mad about those who think that PTSD is contagious...(go HERE to read an excellent post on the matter). I'm extremely disappointed in how our CinC reacted or rather his lack of reaction. I do admire former President Bush and his wife for their visit without the fanfare to the wounded and their families.
I have a lot of thoughts on the matter, oh trust me my brain has gone through many scenarios and what ifs. Of course, in the end, I'm one of those helpless fools who can only grieve and offer prayers of support.

I'd like to share some blogs that express some of what I am feeling. *WARNING- some may display explicit language*

A wolf in sheepdog's clothing

My Opinion This Morning

And last is a wonderful article by a Muslim Soldier currently serving in Iraq

In Iraq, the Fort Hood attack hit home

I'd like to point out that there were many heroes that day. Many Soldiers who performed the Army Values to a "T". They displayed selfless service and loyalty. That ladies and gentlemen is what a true Soldier does. Obviously the man wearing the uniform that day who brought harm to others who wear the same colors did not know the meaning of LDRSHIP.

God Bless Fort Hood

Tonight as I write this entry, my heart is sad.

One month ago today, we drove out of the very gates at Fort Hood that have been seen all over the world. We may have left Fort Hood physically, but it remains very much a part of our lives.

I still can't believe that there was this horrific tragedy there. I cannot believe one of our own has killed. I am sad and I am angry.

I have spent much of the afternoon/evening on the phone with my family there. Yes, I said family. One of the blessings of being in the military is acquiring all the extended family. And tonight, someone hurt my family.

I talked to my friends who were separated from their kids for hours. I talked to my friends who were in lock down in different buildings. I cannot imagine their fear, I just know the fear I had in my heart and in my soul.

The boys were worried about their friends. One who got home at 8:28 p.m., that's insane!!!

I will not give any attention to the jerk who did this, there will be plenty anyway from the media.

When the names of the victims are released, I will honor them.

To my Fort Hood family...my heart, my thoughts, my soul is with you tonight.

Our New Home

The Blessings of Fasting

For anyone who has read our blog for any amount of time, you know that we are a Christ centered home. We don't try to announce it every chance we get because we would hope that it is seen through our actions.

That being said, this entry will be all about His Grace. Once a month at our church we fast. Fasting is a time that we can come closer to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. While we do fast in our church once a month, we have also fasted at other times when we felt there was something we felt we needed answers or guidance about.

This week fell into that category. Our housing situation was starting to weigh a bit heavy on our minds and our finances. After praying over and over we knew we were not supposed to buy a house here, that we were to wait for on-post housing. The kids are all settled in their schools, we are starting to get involved in the community, every prayer resulted in feeling that we were meant to live on post.

Every day when we called Housing we were met with more bad news. It seemed the time for waiting got longer and longer instead of shorter. We have been calling around for rentals and temporary housing. We were being frustrated as everywhere we turned there was a closed door. While I love the Army, I was starting to lose my faith in their system. How do you move families to new places and not have resources for them? How do you explain putting families in a financial bind? As we were faced with this challenge, we thought about those new to the Army with fewer resources then we had, how would they fare? We continued to pray and I had peace that all would work out. Kevin had lots of stress.

We decided that we would fast. We asked the boys if they would like to join us, letting them know that we understood if they didn't feel ready. Michael and Neil readily agreed. Daniel thought about it. He decided that he would join in. We let him know that he could end the fast anytime he wanted, we knew he was still young and might not be able to tolerate fasting for 24 hours.

Our fast for me was very enlightening. I slept better, I felt rested and felt much peace. Both the older boys said they felt really good. Poor Daniel started to struggle about lunch time. We could tell with the change in his demeanor but he would not break his fast. He was determined to go all the way.

We broke our fast with prayer. No time through our fast did we pray for a house. We prayed that the Lord would guide us according to His will and we were willing to accept whatever that was.

If it meant moving into a hotel for 3 months, renting an unfurnished apartment and sleeping on air mattresses for a couple months, we even entertained the Idaho of me going home to my parents and living there until a house on post came available.

Kevin spent an hour making call after call today finally getting a lead on an economy apartment not too far from post. It wasn't the ideal situation but we were willing. And I was prepared to call my mom and ask if I could come home if that didn't work out.

We were literally on our way to check out the apartment when Kevin received a phone call. The lady asked if we were still interested in living on post. Kevin said yes! We soon had an appointment to go look at a house. We knew the Lord had His hands in this. We had just been to Housing not even an hour earlier and the lady was very grim when she told us that we were on the slowest list with the least amount of houses available. She said we would be lucky to get in 3-6 months. So we were very surprised when this other lady called us.

She told us that this street had just become available, it was only open for a certain rank and we were the first on the list to be called.

It's an older house but it's a solid house. It's an individual house versus a duplex style. We did lose 300 square feet from what we had at Hood but we will manage. We weighed all the different aspects. Would it be worth our housing allowance? Because it's an older house, all of our utilities are included without being metered. We also will have our lawn taken care of both in mowing and with the leaves clean up at no cost to us. We have hardwood floors, no stairs and no carpet! We felt that it was worth our BAH. We have a beautiful view of a tree line from our back door, that also means no back neighbors. We get to keep Daniel in his school which was something he prayed for. We will be less then a mile from Kevin's office and are close by the PX and the commissary.

We know that this house is a blessing and we accept it as such. Sure we could have waited the 3-6 months for a slightly bigger, newer house but we know that this is the where the Lord wants us.

God is good and when we ask of Him and understand His Will, we will be blessed.

Still Waiting

We are still waiting for housing...our number is getting closer but the process is slow.

We are all tired of temporary lodging. We are grateful for what we have don't get me wrong but patience is running thin.

It's hard to really get involved when you never know if you are going to get a call that this is the day to sign for a house and get everything prepped for it. I do not like signing up for things unsure of whether I am able to be 100% obligated.

I did however, teach my first Army Family Team Building class here and I think it went well. I love teaching so it was nice for me. I'm also teaming up with the Parent to Parent organization here and am going to help facilitate a book reading. It feels good to be serving again, even if it's just little things.

Neil already worked a bake sale for his school and because we are that cheesy family we all went and froze together. It was nice though, we had fun.

So we still wait and hope that things will fall into place soon.

Keep us in your prayers, thoughts or whatever it is you do so we can get a house soon and get settled!

Hood Highlights

Just some pics to highlight some of the key moments for us at Fort Hood.

Fort Hood Memories Part 6

Time seemed to go by awfully fast during our R&R, we tried to just focus on us as a family and not think about the stress that we had to deal with while separated. It was nice just to be a family again. We kept telling ourselves that when he went back it would only be for about six weeks and then he would be home. We just did 10 months, we could handle six weeks!

When we dropped him off at the airport you would have thought we were sending him off for another year...we were just an emotional mess.The next six weeks were horrid, they tacked on extra time for Kevin by putting him on a detail. He no longer worked with the trifling LT but he was done with this unit. So was I. While he spent time struggling over there with the Soldiers in his unit, I was back here struggling with the families and Rear D. We both tried our best, but the countdown was not going fast enough. Kevin did have some good things going, he was working in an area now where he felt he could make a difference. But it was too late, he was ready to be done and come home. And I was ready to have him home.

As his time came nearer to be home, it became harder for me. I did the best I could to support the Soldiers and their families. I still love taking care of Soldiers, this experience would not change that. The boys and I helped prepare the barracks for the single Soldiers and I attended 11 homecomings before Kevin came home. Each one became harder and harder to attend. Especially when his entire command team came home and he was still hanging out in Kuwait. We were also praying that Kevin would make it home in time for our youngest son's birthday. Kevin had never been home ON Daniel's birthday. Ever. All Daniel wanted for his birthday was his dad, that's it. I prayed and prayed that his wish would come true. It did, Kevin made it home 2 days before his birthday.

My love was home...it was time to start the next chapter in our lives. We were on orders to Fort Leonard Wood, MO. Many don't understand that we need this break, we need the slower pace to process the last 5 years of our lives. We need to regroup as a family and work through things we have set aside. We have done all that the Army has asked of us and we asked the Army for some reprieve. That is what we pray for as we go through our time here.

We are grateful for our time at Fort Hood, we are grateful for the experiences. While we endured much hardship, we also obtained a lot of growth. There are things I wish I had the power to change and other things I wouldn't change for the world. We are a faith based family. We know the Lord's hand is in all things. We know we were placed at Fort Hood for the very experiences we had.

Yes, there were times when we were broken down, but we always came back...even stronger. One thing we learned for sure is that we can handle whatever the Army and life throws at us...we are a family..an Army family, we only get stronger with time and experience.

Fort Hood Memories Part 5

So as I mentioned previously we had 18 months between deployments to Iraq. While Kevin was gone for much of it, we tried our best do do the best we could to spend time as a family and appreciate the time we did have. Sometimes it's hard to do when you have deployment lingering over you, it's even harder when there are so many unresolved issues from the previous deployment but what can you do? We pressed on. We watched many of our friends struggle as well, for our fellow Soldiers and families in 8-10, the cost of the previous deployment was high. Many families were broken, many Soldiers were broken and here we were prepping for another rotation.

We went to a new unit, it was a very hard transition. They didn't have to deal with the same things we had. It was hard for me, I know it was hard for Kevin. We did the best we could. I know I didn't connect to the families or Soldiers the way I had previously, it just hurt to much when I did that. So I stayed away. Looking back I feel bad about that but I know that there wasn't much I could do. Originally the brigade was on orders for a 15 month rotation. Few believed it would actually go that long, but we prepared nonetheless. Kevin and I decided that we would try to plan for R&R to be the lastest we could possibly get. Even if it meant that we would miss it if they shortened the tour, both of us remembered how hard the previous R&R had been.

This goodbye was so different. Everyone stayed with their Soldier, there was no real lingering. I didn't take pics really of anyone else. I cherished every last moment I could with my Soldier. The previous time we said goodbye, I would not cry in front of Kevin. This time the tears flowed freely. I was angry this time, I had to share Kevin with his Soldiers. He'd stay with us a few minutes and then go check on his Soldiers or go find some paperwork. I felt cheated and annoyed.

Finally it was just us...Kevin told me I could go, but I wouldn't, I needed to spend every last possible second with him that I could. The boys needed to be with their daddy.


Finally the white buses pulled up and it was time to go. I wasn't ready but I had no choice. Everywhere around me families were sobbing. I had a good cry and then the boys and I went home. This wasn't our first, probably wouldn't be the last, we could get through and we would..one day at a time.

The biggest challenge with this deployment would not be the combat aspect but in dealing with the people within our own unit. I'm an honest person so I am not going to pretend that every unit we have ever been with has been the best, this has been the worst. There were good individuals in the unit but I have to say that there was no unit cohesiveness and there were many internal problems. I won't go into all of them because that is not what my blog is about but I will mention what I feel is pertinent to us.

The first couple months weren't so bad but then Kevin got a new LT in his platoon. All I will say about her is that I think her parents would be ashamed (or I would hope they would be) about her behavior and her actions. I can't even type about her without my blood pressure going up. Having a leadership team that has contention is never a good thing in a platoon and sadly that is what happened. It made for a very stressful tour for Kevin and for me since I had the privilege of being the one who listened to all the problems. I am not one of those wives who thinks my Soldier is perfect, I am aware he makes mistakes and he will be the first one to tell you that he has. That said, there was turmoil in this platoon. I have never been as disgusted over Soldiers as I was with some of the Soldiers in his platoon and their need to please a female over someone who went to bat for them and cared for them. I also am disgusted with the leadership who knew, acknowledged and let her continue.

This tour was hard on Kevin and on me, I felt helpless. Because we had a later R&R date, we had 10 months of time to get through before he would come home on a break. That time crept by. Everyday for him got worse in having to deal with the internal platoon problems.

On Valentine's Day, I think we hit rock bottom. Kevin was involved in an accident. I am still hurt by the actions of his entire unit in regards to that situation, his LT preyed on it and made it a bigger issue then necessary. I had no support whatsoever from his unit. I was angry and hurt and I felt helpless because my husband was over 7000 miles away and I could not take care of his emotional or physical needs.

I only let a few people know about that situation, I didn't trust anyone, I felt very alone. My husband felt very alone. We still had 6 weeks before he would be home for R&R. We didn't know how we could make it until then.

Finally...my love came home on R&R, we were together again...we could take care of each other...

Fort Hood Memories Part 4

I wish I could say that the deployment ended for us on December 3, 2006. It didn't. Those who have been to combat or have supported someone who has been to combat know that many times deployment doesn't end at the homecoming ceremony. There was so much that needed to be processed, experiences reflected on and pondered.

But...like so many others...who had time for that? Before our unit even came back we already knew that they would be heading back anywhere from 12-18 months later.

We got 18 months and 7 days...kind of.

During Kevin's "dwell time" he went to school for an entire summer, did two National Training Rotations (Fort Irwin, 30-45 days each), one Joint Readiness Training Rotation and two local field exercises. It was great having him stateside but he wasn't home. And he certainly didn't have time to process his previous deployment. Nor did I really, since I was still doing my best to keep our home running with three active boys.

I did the only thing I knew how. Made myself busy. There were few things I didn't volunteer for. Need an FRG leader, I'm your girl, oh wait PTA, sure sign me up! Army Family Team Building, why not, I'm living the life. Cub Scouts, well my boys go, why not me too! That was how I coped. How did Kevin cope...to be honest I don't think he did. He switched units and helped that unit get prepared to deploy. We went from a Combat unit to a Support unit..a very different mentality. It was an adjustment for both of us.

I know my husband came back from his tour to Iraq different. But I wouldn't expect him to be the same, life experience changes us. We didn't talk much, I tried not to push him. I know he was trying to protect me. He was upset that I knew as much as I did about certain situations. There are many things we didn't talk about at first. I knew things bothered him. To this day, he still has dreams, he doesn't remember them but they scare me at night.

That 18 months is a blur really. I know we visited the memorials of his fallen friends. I thought it would be healing, now I wonder if I pushed too much, too soon.

HHT 8-10 Cavalry Soldiers 05/06

Below is the video I made from pics my husband and I took a few days before they deployed to Iraq in December 2005. I carried these boys in my heart that whole year and on into today. They will always be my boys, no matter what.

Fort Hood Memories Part 3

We sent our Soldier back to war, six months down, six more to go. How would we survive. I spent the first couple days wondering how I had made it through the first six months when just trying to look forward to the next six were so overwhelming to me. I continued to take care of my kids, volunteering for the unit and just trying to get through each day the best I could. I could lie and say that I picked myself up and handled those last six months like a true Army Wife Veteran. I didn't. I put the best smile on everyday and went about my business but each night, I laid in my bed awake, sobbing. Worrying about my husband, crying for my friends who had lost their loves and wondering what the war would bring for us next.

In August, we all started to feel comfortable again when we lost another Soldier in our Squadron. Upon hearing the name, the connection was bad and I thought it was another Soldier in our unit, I almost couldn't handle it. I can't explain how you feel when it's just a little closer to you. When I found out that the Soldier was in a different troop, I had a sigh of relief following immediately with guilt for feeling that way. SGT Jeremy King was killed by a sniper. A few weeks later one of his friends would share a pic of him with his new baby. He had met his child while home on leave just a few weeks before his death. That picture was more then I could handle. I spent hours sobbing. I was done, I was ready for this deployment to be over, time was not going by fast enough.

I honestly can't tell you how I got through those next few months. As we begin to approach homecoming, we were busy, crazy busy planning a nice welcome home for our troops. I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I was excited my Soldier was coming home but I could not get past the fact that not all of our Soldiers were coming home. There would those who would not run into the gym and my mind could not get past that. While everyone else was planning that "moment" I didn't want mine because of the guilt I had that my friend wouldn't have hers and neither would many others in our Brigade.

My friend Nita told me she wanted to go to every homecoming. To this day I am impressed with her strength, she says she was numb but I know there was an amazing amount of strength underneath that numbness. Together we went to homecoming after homecoming.

My husband was on the last flight (so typical), the boys were excited, I was still mixed with emotions. I remember getting to the gym, staking our area, meeting the other families and preparing myself. I was nervous...happy, sad, numb. One of the other wives told me that I couldn't cry, they were all counting on me to hold it together (gee, no pressure!). I tried to keep myself busy talking to the families, entertaining my kids but I was a mess. When they announced that the buses were on their way, I started taking deep breaths. I was doing the best I could to keep it together. When the music started and they lined up kids to welcome the Soldiers through the door, I almost passed out. My mind had so many thoughts...do I run to him, do I wait for him to come to me...what do I do? Kevin was the third Soldier to run in the door. It doesn't matter that there were a hundred other Soldiers, I know my love and my radar clicked in. Our eyes connected and I knew he was home. Those two minutes of waiting seemed like a lifetime. When the Colonel announced dismissed, I froze! LaNita shoved me off the bleacher and sent me into the arms of my love. We were together again...

Kevin with his buddy MSG Daniel Robles who lost both of his legs in Iraq, April 2006, one of my heroes!Kevin hugging LaNita Herlem, proud widow of SFC Bryant Herlem, KIA 28 April 2006, Iraq