Happy 238th Birthday, US Army!

Today is the U.S. Army's 238th birthday.  It's crazy to think that I have been a part of the Army's Family for almost 20 years.  It was 20 years ago next month that I joined the Idaho Army National Guard and began my journey in this Military Life.  When I was seven, I met a female Soldier and decided that is what I wanted to do when I was all grown-up.  When I turned 17, I walked into the Recruiting station and I've never looked back.

I always thought I'd serve in the Army for 20-30 years, that was the plan.  Obviously, that was not what happened, I served 11. It took me years to realize that my time as a Soldier was simply a stepping stone for what would be my destiny as an Army wife.  I didn't always appreciate that role but I do now know that is what the Lord had planned for me.  This chapter of my life has been a marvelous experience and I have been blessed time and time again with life changing opportunities that I could have only had being a part of the Army.

I have experienced the good, bad and ugly and feel grateful for every one of those moments.  The Army has given me love, confidence, family, patience, knowledge and so much more.  I have met some of the most amazing people who will forever be a part of my family.

Our time as an active duty Army family is slowly coming to an end.  That thought can be overwhelming at times but the reality is, that chapter must end and we must move forward onto whatever the Lord has in store for us next.  It's time to hand over the care to the next generation and to let them experience what we have.

I love the Army, my life has been richly blessed as a result of the oath I took almost 20 years ago.  I am proud to be a part of the legacy that has been protected by so many valiant men and women.

Thank you, Army, for helping me become the person I am today and giving me not only my immediate family but an extended family who will forever understand the pride I feel inside when I hear things like reveille and retreat or who's eyes tear up too when we hear our beloved National Anthem.  Thank you for being a constant reminder as to what is important in life and for teaching me what it means to walk among heroes.  Thank you for teaching me a level of patriotism that cannot be described in words.

Happy Birthday, U.S. Army...I don't have a gift for you but I'm grateful for all that you have given me.

Hurt Feelings

Today I cried.  I hate when things get to me to the point where I suddenly feel alone, attacked and lost.  Today didn't start out like that, it was actually a pretty good day until late afternoon when I checked my email.  I was pretty taken aback by what I read and then the day went down from there. 

I dislike when situations have me second guessing myself.  I don't feel that I was wrong in any of these situations.  Perhaps I had moments where I let emotions get the best of me but overall the way I was attacked was wrong.  Having my character and feelings questioned was hurtful.  I was angry then sad and then just felt defeated.

I had to get a good cry in and then I prayed....a lot.  I prayed for forgiveness for anything I may have done wrong, I prayed for clarity to see my part in these situations and I prayed for the courage to get through these.  I'm a big person on confrontation and sometimes it's a huge thing so I prayed to be able to hold myself back.

I'm human, I have feelings and sometimes they get hurt.  Today was one of those days.  I happened to come across a great quote that brought me great relief and release.  I know this quote is true for those who come into my life and vice versa, for those who's lives I cross into.

"Your lives, your friendships, your marriages, your families, your neighbors and coworkers currently constitute the sample of humanity which God has given you. We are each other’s clinical material, and we make a mistake when we disregard that sober fact. No wonder, therefore, we feel stress at times. … Now, you are going to have days when people make a large draft on your patience, when they lay claim to your long-suffering that you may feel they don’t quite deserve. This is part of the chemistry that goes on in discipleship if we are serious about it, as we constitute each other’s clinical material.” Neal A. Maxwell

Memorial Day 2013

I'm sitting here at my house. In thirty minutes, there will be a Memorial Day service at the local Veterans Cemetery.  I thought about going but I know I won't.  The last time I went to a public Memorial Day service was in 2008 when a friend of ours was being honored.  I just can't bring myself to participate in a huge, public setting like that.

One of my sweet friends has spent a lot of time and effort organizing a run to remember our fallen.  I was up in time to go, I just couldn't force myself out the door.  It might seem silly, but I just can't do big groups on Memorial Day.  My remembering and honoring is very personal and private.  I'm not saying that anyone who attends these events is wrong, I admire them for going and doing, I just can't.

I don't really know why, I just know that this is what works for me.  I'm pretty reflective for the whole week leading up to the actual day.  I get extremely emotional.  I think about my friends who have lived without their loved ones.  My heart aches for them.

This past weekend, my amazing friend danced for her husband.  I cannot explain the pride I have for her.  She amazes me.  I wasn't there but I can imagine and when I think about it, I cry.  She has had such courage for the past seven years, honoring her fallen husband.  Memorial Day is hard for her as you can imagine, but for her Memorial Day is everyday.

I try  hard not to get angry when people wish me a "happy" Memorial Day or thank me as a Veteran or thank my husband for his service.  I know they mean well but today isn't Veterans Day, it's Memorial Day.  It's not a day to go visit just anyone who has passed on, but to stop and remember those who have paid the price of freedom.

I'm a mix of emotions this weekend.  I'm grateful for them.  Our service men and women who have fallen on behalf of my freedom deserve my tears, my heartache and my memories.  They deserve so much more but that is all I have to offer.

I saw a picture one of the Soldiers posted of his daughter looking at a picture of our fallen friend.  Instant tears and then a smile...our fallen shall never be forgotten as long as we remember them.  I will not forget.

The Best Job I Never Wanted

Today I was asked at church to bear my testimony on motherhood.  I readily agreed thinking that it was an easy topic to talk briefly about.  I mean, I'm a mom and I love it!  How hard could it be to stand up and bear witness of that?  As I waited for the time to come when I would go up and talk about what it was like to be a mom, I felt pretty confident in what I was going to say.  I was going to talk about how much I love my boys and  how I love being a stay at home mom and then I would end it.  All the way up to the pulpit I was thinking it would be short and sweet.

As I begin to speak, the words that came out were not what I had in mind!  I shared some very personal things that I have spoken about in Relief Society but not in front of the whole congregation.  I was somewhat surprised at how honest I was about the fact that I never wanted to be a mom or a wife and the reasons why.  I cried as I talked about the fear I had and how I was still unsure of myself at times.

When I got home, I reflected on what I shared and I felt so blessed to be able to stand in front of my ward family and share that I knew that my Heavenly Father loved me because he blessed me with these three amazing spirits to take care of.  I am humbled to know that He trusts me to take care of His children and to do the best I can to get them back to Him.  I feel so grateful that even when my husband is 6800 miles away and 14 hours ahead of me that I know I am not raising these kids alone, that my Heavenly Father is always walking right along side of me.

This motherhood gig is the hardest thing I have ever done and yet the most rewarding.  I honestly smile everyday when I think of my kids.  I love the random conversations we have, the silly looks they give me and I especially love when they call me mama.

My prayer for them is that they know how much I love them and that I will always do whatever I can to be their biggest advocate.

I'm so glad that the Lord knew me better than I thought I knew myself when He sent these sweet spirits down to me.  Motherhood is the best job I never wanted.

We are Family

I have said it many times that the Military is one big, extended family.  That was proven again yesterday and today when our community came out in full support of helping honor a young Soldier who died while serving in Kuwait.  SPC Charles McClure's body was flown to Fort Leonard Wood and escorted through the installation and taken to a local funeral home yesterday.  The streets from the airport to funeral home were LINED the entire way.  To say I am humbled would be an understatement.  It was a beautiful sight to see.

Photo Copyright Daily Guide

Word came down that the church who likes to protest Soldier's funeral had issued a press release that they were coming to protest this young man's funeral.  Our community stepped up and said...no way!  I asked the boys last night if they wanted to go stand in support of this Fallen Soldier.  Their immediate response was YES!  Daniel told me that it made him angry and that if something happened to his Dad and they showed up, he would kick them in their face.  I love the bravery of an 11 year-old.

My boys, paying their respect

We got up this morning and we lined the street outside the cemetery.  I met some new people and reunited with others I have known since our time here.  I loved the spirit that I felt there, one of unification and community.

One of my favorite pics I snapped.  I recognized one of the wrestlers parking and when I walked down the hill a bit, I saw them hang this sign on his truck.  They were gracious enough to pose for me.  So proud of the youth in our community!

In recent weeks people have said some pretty ignorant comments to me in regards to our community.  They have made comments about the transition of the Military making their lives a bit hard.  As I stood on the side of the street today I thought briefly about those people and I suddenly felt sad for them.  They don't get it.  I looked to the left and the right of me and saw what it meant to live in this community and felt bad that they don't get to feel that sense of pride that can't even begin to be described in words.

Strangers lined up today and a family dispersed when the last vehicle left the cemetery.  I pray for the McClure family and hope that they felt uplifted in love and honor as they paid respects to their Soldier and said their goodbyes. Rest in Peace SPC McClure, we won't forget.

Dislocated!

Just over two weeks ago, Neil was injured...again.  Out of the three boys, he is the only one who has ever broken anything.  He made the comment the other day that he has been to the hospital more times than the other two combined.  I'm not sure that's something I'd be proud of, but he IS a boy!

The one day I haven't gone to wrestling practice ALL season, I get a phone call about the time I am expecting Kevin, Neil and Daniel to be on their way home.  The name that came up on my phone was actually that of our former club president (JD).  When I answered, he said that Kevin needed to talk to me.  I didn't think anything of it since we don't get signal in the wrestling room on our phones and I figured he needed to ask me something about the upcoming tournament.  When he got on the phone, he simply said in a very calm voice..."Neil dislocated his elbow, we go to the fort, right?"  I replied with a yes and then he hung up.  It took me a couple of minutes to register what he told me.  I was sitting on my bed at the time and when it finally cycled through my brain, I started to panic.  Did he just say that Neil had dislocated his elbow?  I tried texting JD back asking him how they were getting to the hospial...if they were driving or was an ambulance called.  I had no clue what was going on and I felt extremely anxious and helpless.

At nearly every tournament we have attended this wrestling season, there has been an elbow dislocated and it's always quite dramatic.  The key is typically keeping the kid from going into shock so they can be treated as quickly as possibly.  I was trying not to freak out too much and just waited.  I figured that I would get a call at some point.  A few minutes later, Kevin called again to let me know he was with Neil, in an ambulance, headed to the hospital.  He asked me if I could contact someone to come give him a blessing from church and told me who had Daniel.  I told him I would meet him at the hospital.

I had Michael drop me off at the emergency room and then sent him to pick up his brother who was with a friend.  I tried to put all my emotions in check to be the best support system I could be for Neil and Kevin and tried not to over think the situation.  When I'm by myself dealing with the kids, I do really well keeping it all together.  When Kevin is around, I suddenly give myself permission to fall apart. 

I arrived at the hospital around the same time that the ambulance did and was told to wait a few minutes until he was settled.  I was surprised at how calm I was because I really wanted to rush to the back and see my child.  Finally I was able to go back and see him.  He was in a lot of pain but was being really brave.  Our friends from church arrived and a few minutes later they went and gave Neil a blessing with Kevin.  They only allowed two people to be in the back with him so I went out to the waiting room for a bit and when I got there, the room was filling up with people from our wrestling team.  Nearly all the coaches showed up plus JD who had come with his son and Neil's best friend who's brother is on the wrestling team as well.  Plus the guys from church were still there so you can imagine a pretty full waiting room.  I don't think the other people there appreciated our gathering much because shortly after, they came and moved us to a private room.

I stayed in the waiting room while different people cycled through the back to see Neil.  Kevin stayed with him pretty much the entire time.  I knew that I needed to stay back for a while and make sure my emotions were in check.  I can really set Neil out of sorts if I'm not careful with my own feelings so I'm always really aware of that.  He needed to be calm and confident in what was going on around him and how he was being taken care of.  Again, if Kevin had not been there, I would have been fine but I am so grateful that he was there.  I also knew that I wouldn't leave the hospital until he was discharged and knew everyone who stopped to check on him would eventually leave.  It felt good to have so much support and so many people care about is welfare.  I can say we are truly blessed in that sense.  We received numerous calls and texts from people checking in on him.  It was good to know that we were being lifted up in prayer.

I felt while I was waiting to go back and hang out with him that I should call the kid who was wrestling Neil when he got hurt.  I knew that it was an accident and if I had to be completely  honest based on what Neil and everyone else said, Neil did it to himself.  But I know that poor wrestler was upset with himself because his friend was hurt and he happened to be the one that threw him.  Neil forgot he was wrestling greco/freestyle in that split second and posted his arm which resulted in the dislocation.  It was simply an accident.  There were no hard feelings and no blame placed.  I wanted to ensure to that boy that we were all okay.  Neil was upset and wanted to call him right then and there and tell him he was okay.  But Neil was high on morphine and emotional and that boy was upset and crying and that just would not have been a good mix.  I called to reassure him no one was angry and I didn't want him beating himself up over it.

Neil was feeling pretty good on the morphine as they had put him under slightly with amnesiacs to reset his elbow after x-raying it to make sure it wasn't broken.  When I finally got back there after everyone left, he was very relaxed.  He was also pretty funny.  He kept telling the medical staff they were cool and thanking them profusely.  When they put the sling on his arm, he was asking them what color his sling was and when they said blue, he needed to know what kind of blue and when they responded with navy blue, he leaned his head back and said.."cooooool". 

I really appreciated this medical team that night, they were all so nice and their bedside manner was impeccable.  Military hospitals tend to get a bad rap and I just want it to be know that we had excellent care when it came to our son.

Neil was scheduled to see orthopedics upon his discharge and told to rest.  He wouldn't be seen until Monday (this all happened on Thursday evening).  He stayed home and rested pretty much the entire weekend.

Neil has had three appointments since his initial injury and numerous x-rays.  Thankfully nothing shows or indicates a fracture which was a huge concern given the way he landed and the way is arm twisted.  He stayed swollen for almost two weeks and was left in a splint to help ease that.  This past Wednesday, he was put in an adjustable brace that is locked so he can only move his arm so far.  They want to make sure that his elbow remains stable through the healing process.  They say his recover can take 3-6 months.  He starts occupational therapy next week and remains under the orthopedic doctors care.

While this has been a rough journey, we still feel incredibly blessed.  He received wonderful initial first aid care from Kevin and his coaches which helped keep him from going into shock which the doctor told me was a great thing because that delays treatment.  The EMT staff was wonderful as were his doctors at the hospital.  They treated him with respect and dignity and not just some kid.  The doctor who is currently taking care of him has been amazing!  I feel truly blessed that he is a member of our church and while we don't know each other extremely well, he knew Neil and has taken such good care of him.  I know it's not just because we go to church together but it's nice to know there is a slight personal connection involved as Neil continues on with his treatment.

Kevin was able to extend his leave a week which was a true blessing because Neil couldn't really take a bath without assistance since he hurt his right arm and Kevin was able to help him.  I mean what 15 year old wants his mom to help him in the bathtub?

It's been an emotional roller-coaster.  Neil was upset that his wrestling season was over, he really wanted a chance to make it onto a National Team and he was on his way.  Thankfully, he should recover well and be just as strong for next year's season.  We just all have to be patient.

TDT #36 - 2nd Goodbye's Suck!

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!

My Soldier's leave has ended.  He flew out yesterday and as you read this, he is probably hanging out in his room getting ready to go back to work in Korea.  We were so lucky to have an entire month and an additional 7 days because Neil got hurt (really need to post that tale).  So we really got 37 days.  It's funny because during a combat deployment you get 15-18 days and that never seemed like enough time and here we got double that and it still felt like it wasn't enough.  Right now with the shorter 9 month deployments, they don't even get any R&R.  So that being said, please acknowledge that I am very grateful for the time we got.

The reality is, my heart hurts.  I hate that we had to say goodbye...again.  It sucks because we've done this too many times.  I stood in the airport with Kevin and Daniel and as his flight began to board, I suddenly wanted to regress to a toddler and scream out, "Don't Go!".  Daniel broke down completely which doesn't help me keep my emotions in check at all.  There were two ladies standing near us who started crying when I did so that didn't help either.  I really tried hard to keep it together but it was hard.

We had a wonderful time together while Kevin was home.  It's hard integrating Kevin into our routine because he's been gone so often in our life but with 37 days to work with, it was easy to get spoiled.  If anything, it was nice to just feel complete.  It was also nice having another person in our house to make decisions and deal with the kids without the delay of a huge time difference.

When Neil got hurt, it was such a blessing to have Kevin home because even though I know I would have handled it and it would have been okay, I didn't have to.  Kevin was such a support for both me and Neil.  While it sucked that Neil got injured, it was such a blessing to see Kevin take care of him in such a tender manner.  I know Neil appreciated having his dad home during this rough time.

Michael was dealing with some things that really needed both of our support and again, I felt so blessed that Kevin was here during that time.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed when it comes to handling the day to day things of the boy's lives and when things go a different way than I imagined, I feel like I have failed.  While the things that Michael was dealing with weren't the end of the world, again it was nice to have Kevin home to love and support him through it.  Such tender mercies from the Lord.

If anyone saw a glimpse of our family together while Kevin was home, they would likely have seen Daniel joined at his hip.  Daniel rarely strayed from his daddy.  Those two have such a connection.  It's been hard for Daniel because Kevin has been gone so much of his life and then he got three years where he was home most of the time.  This has been a hard time for him.  As Kevin's leave was coming to an end, Daniel really started acting out and being mean.  It was frustrating and heartbreaking at the same time.

I realized as I watched Kevin board his plane today that I'm done.  I have loved this lifestyle and everything it has given me.  It has been a roller coaster ride for sure and the journey has been pretty good but I'm tired of the goodbyes and separations.  I don't want to do this anymore.  When Kevin gets back from Korea, we will start preparing to retire out.  

While I know that this is where the Lord wants us to be and that separation is part of His plan, I admit that the knowledge of that doesn't ease my heart much tonight.  My boys miss their dad and I miss my husband. 

I drove home from the airport and wanted to cry.  I held back the tears until I got home and then laid in my bed and just let it all out.  I learned long ago not to hold back.  I'm not ashamed to say I cried because I love my husband and I miss him.

I always reflect back on leave in the middle of separation and often find myself saying I wish we hadn't done it because the second goodbye always hurts worse than the first, but the reality is that no matter how long he's home, I am grateful for the time we get to spend together.

So now that I have that all out, it's time to pull up the bootstraps and focus on the craziness of our summer and plan for him to come home and begin the next phase of our life!