Tuesday, January 29, 2013

TDT #28 - Let's Get Real

One of the ways I have always done my countdowns when my  husband is away is by counting trash days.  Most of the time it isn't as daunting a number as the estimated number of days he'll be gone.  And it helps me remember to put the trash out, or rather encourage my boys to put the trash out since it's their job.  So this will be my new weekly post, and I'll just really post whatever, no real set theme.  Please feel free to join me on this adventure of counting down the time until your loved one comes home!
I haven't done a Trash Day Tuesday post since December.  The last one was around week 18 and after counting up, I realize it has now been 28 trash days since Kevin left to Korea.  It's not because I haven't had much to say...in fact that couldn't be further from the truth.  I have just been processing a lot of stuff lately.  We survived Christmas and it really wasn't so bad.  We headed into the new year and it all looked so promising and then we were slammed with crap.

Nothing life threatening but enough to overwhelm me for a while.  It's all good now but for a few weeks I felt like things were being thrown at me left and right.  Most of it was emotional.  I was pretty angry and vulnerable and I don't do well asking for help or really talking to people until AFTER the fact.  That's just how I am, I am a deep processor.  I also don't like airing my business.  I don't feel the need for all of that and it draws serious unwanted attention.

Kevin has been an amazing support, but it's hard being separated by 6800 miles.  He is very much a part of our lives and I am grateful that I get to talk to him and seek his counsel.  I am not walking this journey alone by any  means, I just get to do a lot of the physical work alone.

All that being said, I want to be real.  We are surviving this separation but it isn't without it's challenges.  My kids miss their dad...plain and simple.  It is hurtful to them when people come up and say that it's no big deal because it's "only" Korea.  Even I am guilty of saying that and I did not realize how it was harming my kids.  Gone is gone.  It is also hurtful to them when you tell me, in front of them, that it is so much easier to deal with Kevin being gone because they are older and they understand.  Wrong.  They understand that their dad is gone during their first year of high school, during their first year driving, during the year that one will turn 12 and advance in church.  They understand that their dad is 15 hours ahead and it's difficult because of school, activities and their dad's job to talk on a regular basis.  They understand that people say things like...well at least he's not in Afghanistan and it hurts them because again...gone is gone.  They do not feel as supported because where their dad is isn't as "dangerous" as where someone else's parent is.  They aren't the ones doing the comparing but they are dealing with the emotions of it.  It also doesn't help when you come to them and tell them what you hear on the news about North Korea trying to send bombs somewhere.  Not helpful at all.

I have a great support system here and I will be the first person to admit that I probably do not use them as much as they would like me to but that's just me.  I'm getting better but I'm trying to do the best I can for my family.  I did reach out to some friends about a couple things that have been going on and I feel so much better.

Neil had a breakdown a couple weeks ago.  It was a rough night.  It's simple..he's 14, he misses his dad.  It happens.  Sometimes we need a breakdown to build back up and move forward.  I had to go into the school and get his IEP straightened out.  I have a teacher who is far from stellar and wasn't following the guidelines.  I'm not a parent who is going to just sit idly by as you screw over my kid because it's not convenient for you.  I'll do my part if you do yours.  I got him moved out of a class and got criticized by the teacher.  That attitude is the reason why I no longer wanted my kid around you, just saying.

Daniel did a stupid thing by taking an eraser and burning the inside of his wrist with it because he was bored.  He did it ONCE.  I had to take him to the doctor  to get a note for wrestling saying it wasn't some infectious skin disease.  I know my kid, he wasn't trying to harm himself but the doctor who knew him for 5 minutes was convinced that he was seriously depressed and was involved in a new form of cutting and told me that I needed to take him to a psychiatrist.  She told me he was emotionless when talking to her and she didn't like the answers she was getting from him.  Again...I know my kid.  I humored her by taking him to the psychiatrist and wasted 3 hours of my life that I will never get back.  Filling out the ridiculous packet angered me because I knew my kid was okay.  He had a dumb moment.  Daniel is far from stoic.  However, if he doesn't know you, he's not going to talk to you, especially when it's in an interrogating manner.  The end result of that three hours of wasted time was the psychiatrist telling me that Daniel should hang out with neighborhood kids more and play video games.  Really?  I'll pass on that advice.  The kid has lots of friends and he is dedicated to his interests right now...football, wrestling and Scouts.  Thankfully he also told me that Daniel is a kid and he did a stupid thing...no need to come back.

Michael thankfully is my most well adjusted child.  At least it appears that way.  He is the one that talks the most to me so that's always nice and I feel like he's doing pretty good.  I know he does take a lot on himself when his dad is gone and I try so hard to make sure he knows that I don't expect him to be anything but our 16 year old child.  He's a great kid and such a support to his brothers and I.

Life has been a bit crazy as you can see but we push forward because that's what we do.  We've dealt with the crazy and we refuse to be stuck there.  It's not easy to deal with or even admit but it is what it is.  I've been criticized a lot throughout the past month about not being where others thought I should be.  My family comes first...always. 

This post isn't meant to be a pity party, just me being real.  I'm not always as "fine" as I claim to be when asked, but I will eventually get there.  Right now we are great, we are blessed and we are doing the best we can.  Our life is far from perfect but we have a lot more good going on than bad and for that I am grateful. Everything is a learning experience and believe it or not I am grateful for those opportunities of growth.  
One of my fave family pictures ever. See those boys...they are stronger than people give them credit for sometimes!

1 comment:

Korin Lopez said...

Love you Nadine!