Sunday, August 05, 2012

I Feel His Love

I was such an emotional mess at church today.  I really did not anticipate being this emotionally overwhelmed with Kevin leaving.  It's Korea, not a combat zone but man the separation still hurts.  I have really been struggling with my emotions since we found out Kevin was on orders.  I was upset at myself for being upset about the orders.  I have been frustrated with myself for being upset and even being upset with my friends who have told me that they would be there to support me and help our family with anything we would need.  I am glad for these people but I pride or rather have prided myself on always being able to take care of myself and my family with little to no help.  I struggled with feelings of anger when people would offer their words of support and promises to help, I found myself saying over and over, I got this.  The reality was, I didn't. Sure the boys and I will be fine and we will get through this but emotionally I wasn't prepared.  Maybe I don't need someone to come help me with physical stuff but I have been truly blessed in the last 24-48 hours with the emotional love and support that I do stand in need of.  Just knowing that I have so many people to turn to both locally and across the world has been such a strength to me.
It was during our lesson in Relief Society that I finally got part of why we are going through this experience.  During all of our other extended separations with the Army, I have usually been in a position to care for one to two hundred families in our unit.  I've been involved with so many things with the boys in the past that I have never had to focus on me and my needs.  I will admit that was often a struggle for me because there were times during those separations that I felt really alone.  I am however grateful for those experiences because I did learn to rely on my Heavenly Father and my Savior more and my testimony grew so much.  I had a couple very close friends who I let in my wall and who were such great people but I admit I didn't let many people in and it was often a very dark and lonely time for me.  This time there are no others families, it's just me.
Today I realized that my Heavenly Father does not want us to walk alone and He doesn't want me to travel this journey alone.  He has placed so many people in my life right now who are loving me and lifting me up.  During the lesson I was getting so emotional and I was trying not to let it overwhelm me.  I wanted to share different comments but I didn't trust myself to even talk.  There came a point where I felt strongly I needed to share what I had literally just realized a few minutes before.  I can't tell you how silly and somewhat embarrassed I felt when I had a complete emotional breakdown.  Ugly cry and everything.  There have been very few times in my life when I have felt my Savior's love so strongly and during that time when I was trying to share what I felt and learned was one of them.
I feel truly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life and I know it's not coincidence.  I have felt such an outpouring of love and support from so many people and if you are reading this and you are one of them, thank you.  Thank you for loving me and my family, it means more than you know.

1 comment:

Melissa said...

Beautiful post Nadine!