Yesterday a friend commented that I seemed mellow. For those who know me, mellow is not usually a word that describes me. I came home and pondered that for a while. I guess sometimes when I am dealing with a lot of things all at once I do slow down and become introverted (no, I didn't say I become an introvert, lol..I don't believe that is possible for me) but I do internalize a lot of things. I wouldn't say that I'm overly stressed (though I did put that as my status on MySpace today). I just have a lot of things I'm dealing with. Upcoming deployment is like Winnie the Pooh's black cloud. The actual deployment is not bothering me like it probably should. While I'm not looking forward to Kevin leaving, this is the reality of our lifestyle. It's a lifestyle we chose, therefore we take whatever comes with it. Things that are bothering me are comments about the area being "safe". It's Iraq people...safe and Iraq do not go hand in hand. The statement itself bothered me. I know that it was probably said with the intent to comfort but it did quite the opposite. I attended a briefing and the first slide showed the last casualty incident...it included a few KIA and a couple WIA. Uhm, this is their definition of safe? While I'm not completely focused on that particular half truth, it does weigh in on my mind.
I'm not falling apart with worry but I'm not ready to say goodbye. The calendar has become my enemy. We are trying to make the most of these last few weeks. I keep going back to December 6, 2005. I tell a lot of people that I wished I still had that bubble that I lived in that day. The one where you THINK you know what could happen and you THINK you are prepared to handle it. The mentality that you know what the reality is, but you are naive enough to think it will never happen to you or even close to you. All those news stories, those memorial services you pass on post are for someone else, a name you don't know.
For the past few months I told myself and even others that I was envious of those going through the first time and still living in that bubble. But I realize now that is not true. I don't envy them. I learned a lot through the experience of having my bubble burst. While my heart aches for the circumstances in which it was deflated, I have grown as a person. I have become a better wife, I have strengthened my marriage, I have learned to appreciate today. I try to focus on the things that matter instead of wasting energy on things that really don't count in the big scheme of life.
So I'm in a funk right now...I could just be tired...it could be the rain..I don't know..but I hope it doesn't last cuz frankly I don't have time for it, lol