Wednesday, May 07, 2008

In a funk...

Yesterday a friend commented that I seemed mellow. For those who know me, mellow is not usually a word that describes me. I came home and pondered that for a while. I guess sometimes when I am dealing with a lot of things all at once I do slow down and become introverted (no, I didn't say I become an introvert, lol..I don't believe that is possible for me) but I do internalize a lot of things. I wouldn't say that I'm overly stressed (though I did put that as my status on MySpace today). I just have a lot of things I'm dealing with. Upcoming deployment is like Winnie the Pooh's black cloud. The actual deployment is not bothering me like it probably should. While I'm not looking forward to Kevin leaving, this is the reality of our lifestyle. It's a lifestyle we chose, therefore we take whatever comes with it. Things that are bothering me are comments about the area being "safe". It's Iraq and Iraq do not go hand in hand. The statement itself bothered me. I know that it was probably said with the intent to comfort but it did quite the opposite. I attended a briefing and the first slide showed the last casualty included a few KIA and a couple WIA. Uhm, this is their definition of safe? While I'm not completely focused on that particular half truth, it does weigh in on my mind.

I'm not falling apart with worry but I'm not ready to say goodbye. The calendar has become my enemy. We are trying to make the most of these last few weeks. I keep going back to December 6, 2005. I tell a lot of people that I wished I still had that bubble that I lived in that day. The one where you THINK you know what could happen and you THINK you are prepared to handle it. The mentality that you know what the reality is, but you are naive enough to think it will never happen to you or even close to you. All those news stories, those memorial services you pass on post are for someone else, a name you don't know.

For the past few months I told myself and even others that I was envious of those going through the first time and still living in that bubble. But I realize now that is not true. I don't envy them. I learned a lot through the experience of having my bubble burst. While my heart aches for the circumstances in which it was deflated, I have grown as a person. I have become a better wife, I have strengthened my marriage, I have learned to appreciate today. I try to focus on the things that matter instead of wasting energy on things that really don't count in the big scheme of life.

So I'm in a funk right now...I could just be could be the rain..I don't know..but I hope it doesn't last cuz frankly I don't have time for it, lol


Amanda Panda said...

I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. I know this is not an easy time for you.

Totally Army Mom said...

What happened Dec 05? Was that kevin's first deployment?
I think I am in the safety of that bubble you are talking about. Not knowing anything about my son's deployment I think is comforting to me. I am certainly resting in God's everlasing arms.

Weird about saying Iraq is relatively safe now... just yesterday I was buying chocolate in a specialty shop and somehow the subject of my having a son leaving soon for Iraq came up - not info I usually share with a stranger.
I found myself telling this young gal that Iraq is relatively safe and he'll be fine. I didn't say this because it is true, or even because I believe it to be true - I just wanted out of the conversation. (sheesh, sorry I brought it up!)

Anyway, Ben comes home for a two week visit on Saturday - just two days till we go to the airport to bring him home. Hooray!! I am so excited!

He will be sleeping in the tv room because we are hosting a girl from Vietnam this school year and she is in Ben's old room. This room is still decorated the way Ben did it when he was 12 years old - fighter plane wall paper and all.

ha ha. Ben and I joke that it's his dad's shrine to his first born, Ben. He won't let us change it at all! lol.

Jason & Dorshan said...

It is interesting how everyone copes with everything prior to and during. I have a false sense of security since he is going to be a "fobit" ;) However, it isn't like I am unrealistic to the potential problems they/he could encounter. I think most people, if not openly - secretly, try to prepare themselves for the grim things that could happen. (Not that preparation would be sufficient enough when experiencing those things unexpected). I feel people who are in "bubbles" more than likely do take into account all possibilities - but choose to focus more so on the positive things as a way to cope healthily. Finding the balance of realism/faith/hope does take time and is magnified by experiences. Hugs, D