Do you ever feel like life just overwhelms you. Now, I know I have a lot on my plate and some may say that it's too much but it's none of those things that are overwhelming me. I miss my husband. It's that simple. The past week or so has been worse than normal. I just miss him. He sends me pics and I cry because seeing him in a picture just makes my heart ache. It's crazy how physical love can be.
I hear his voice on the phone and that ache is somewhat soothed, his voice is enough to calm me down. The other day we got to chat online for the first time and I cried, I don't know why, lol..PMS I'm sure.
The past couple days have been stressful. First with Michael not getting off the bus (see previous post) and that sparked A LOT of emotion. Yesterday, one of the boys (Neil) clogged the upstairs toilet. Grrrrrrrrrr, it's one of those things where I can't really be mad at him because he really can't help it but at the same time it's so frustrating. There are many dynamics when it comes to Neil and the challenges we face with him. I don't want to get into that right now but sometimes it's hard to have the patience I need with him. I do feel blessed to have him in our life and I love experiencing the world through his eyes. Sometimes, however, my patience runs thin and I feel inadequate to handle the challenges of daily life with a special needs child. Simple things for most, challenges for Neil.
On that note, comes the overflowed part of this blog. The toilet was clogged and overflowing. Water all over the floor, waterworks down my cheeks. Overwhelmed with having to deal with it on my own. Sending boys to bed and praying for the patience to not go crazy. Sadly, I did lose my temper (hope my neighbors didn't hear too much of that exchange). The worst part of that whole ordeal was being frustrated with myself for losing control. As I stood over the porcelain pot, using the stupid plunger, praying, crying, begging to get through this. I thought that toilet would never drain, I had to walk away from it. After a while I fell to my knees begging for the plunger to work, sobbing at everything from the past couple days, feeling like a failure. Finally...the water level lowers, the joyous swirl starts, and woohoo, the toilet drains and well, so do my emotions.
As I stood in the shower a little while later, I realized, I just needed to fall to my knees earlier and ask for the Lord's help. I'm not alone, someone is there to carry this burden with me. It's ok to have a bad day, to crash but I need to pick myself up and carry on. Today is better, I feel better, maybe I needed a good cry.
On a really positive note. I got rid of 2 more items. The boys bathroom trash can and bathroom rug. Wanted to get rid of those anyway and now I did.
So items 5 & 6 GONE!!!