Just.Be.Kind

Let me preface this post by stating that this is absolutely something I also need to work on.  I am definitely a work in process in so many ways and this is just one of my many “under construction” areas.

This is something I have really been thinking about most of this summer.  I have been really fortunate to witness some powerful moments of kindness but I have also been able to watch, uncomfortably, moments of exclusion and downright meanness.  Both areas invoked much emotion from me.  I used to think I wasn’t that emotional of a person, but the reality is…I am, sometimes too much!

One of the cool things I get to do through my service as an AmeriCorps VISTA is coordinating a leadership camp for middle school and high school students in our local school district.  In our curriculum, we do an anti-bullying lesson.  If I am being honest, I have not been happy with our lesson the past couple of years and really wanted to create something that would leave a long-lasting impression and hopefully spark a desire to truly be an ambassador to just be kind.

I have a dear friend whose family has started a rock campaign in honor of her nephew who took his own life last year as a result of being bullied.  They are located in North Carolina but their story really resonated with me and I wanted to somehow pull their mission into my lesson on bullying.  I reached out to her and asked if she was open to starting a kindness rock garden at our school, hoping to expand that across our district (I am still working on that).   She jumped at the opportunity and came in, shared her story and our high school kids started our kindness rock garden.  This activity was powerful!  I mean people were crying, sharing their stories and in the moment, were motivated to create change.  I can only hope that the students and adults who were a part of that, will be able to carry that through.

After that amazing experience, I made a personal decision to work hard to be a better person.  I wanted to be kinder.  I don’t necessarily struggle to be kind, but I do know that I am often not as nice as I need to be when I’ve become frustrated with people.  I don’t go out of my way to be unkind, but I also don’t go out of my way to be nice.

So, what is the point of this rambling?  I can be very forgiving when kids are kind because I believe they are still very much in the development phases of their life.  They mimic behaviors, they exhibit values and beliefs from their home lives and sometimes they are just unaware of their words and actions because no one has taught them or they have not really grasped the concepts that are being taught.  I, however, struggle when it comes to adults who are mean because I believe they should know better.

One of the most disappointing acts I witnessed this summer was a group of young adults purposely excluding a peer.  It broke my heart and fired me up at the same time.  I went throughout the day replaying it in my head, trying to make sense of it and even thinking that perhaps what I saw was not actually what happened.  After discussing it with a few different people, it was confirmed that it actually did happen and that just made me sad.  I try so hard to be an advocate for our youth because I think sometimes they get a bad rap and I have seen so much good from teens and young adults, I just didn’t get to witness it that day and the fact that it was intentional was so hard for me.

So, after that moment, again, I made a personal decision to strive to be better.  The reality, folks, is that we are definitely not going to click with every person we meet, work with, serve with, interact with.  That being said, we can still be kind!  I have an intense personality that I have worked on mellowing out over the past decade.  I mean, I have worked hard to be intentional in my thoughts and actions.  I falter, daily.  Just yesterday, I spoke before thinking and said something to a peer harshly.  Immediately, I felt remorse and apologized the first chance I got.  It didn't take away any hurt I may have caused, but I hope they recognized that I knew I was wrong and that I tried to fix it.

So, in closing to this long rambling thought is that we all just need to work on being kind.  Not to get something in return but just because it’s the right thing to do and it’s really not that hard.  It’s something I am trying to work on and it’s something we all probably need to put a little more effort in.  Just be kind!

“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.” ~Og Mandino

Well...Hello Again Blogger

I cannot believe that it has been almost 2 years since I have written a blog entry!  I have been going back and forth about whether I wanted to delve back into this world, I mean...does anyone even still read blogs?  Does anyone even care?  I mean, I write updates frequently on my Facebook page, I kind of keep in touch with the majority of my friends and acquaintances through social media and sometimes through text.

What even made me want to revisit blogging in the first place?  Primarily it's just a place for me to express my thoughts, I have plenty of them.

So let me start off with a simple update since it has been a minute.  A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same.

We are still in Missouri but Kevin retired from the Army last year and transitioned to life as a civilian working at a home improvement store.  He loves it!  We purchased a home in a town outside of Fort Leonard Wood and love it!  Our two oldest boys, Michael and Neil ventured off to college.  Michael is a Mizzou Tiger and Neil is a UCM Mule.  Daniel will start his senior year of high school in a few weeks.  Time kept marching on even though this blog didn't.

I still serve as an AmeriCorps VISTA in our school district and I have got to do some pretty amazing things.  I committed to serving a fourth year, some days I second guess that decision but overall I love trying to promote change in our community.

Another change in our life is that my dad passed way in October of 2017 and we moved my mom in with us.  It's been an adjustment but a blessing. 

So that's the quick update.  I have a couple of posts I will add over the next couple of days and we'll get this blog rolling again!   Thanks to whomever is still around, subscribed and reading!

I definitely need to get updated family pictures.  This was last month when a leader from our church came to visit us, Elder Cornish.  You can see the boys have grown up a little!

Transition....New Chapters....Denial

It has been a while since I have written here.  Not because I don't have anything to say...far from it.  In my dashboard are multiple drafts of our life events that never get published...I don't even have a good reason why.

But here we are...August 2016.  Michael returned home from his mission just a couple months ago.  Neil graduated a few weeks before that.

Now in a few days they will start heading off to college.  These two boys.  I am not ready.  Let me write that again, I am not ready.

I am excited for them but my mama heart breaks as I think about them being away from me.  Sleeping under a different roof.  Why did time have to go so fast?  Kevin and I have raised them the best way we knew how.  They are great young men.  They have, this far in life, made good decisions.  I know this is how life goes but I just am not ready.

It won't matter if I'm ready, they are embarking on this new journey.  I thought it would be easier having them head off to college considering I have already sent one boy off for two years.  But having Michael come home and fall back perfectly into the fold of our family has gotten me too comfortable.

Why is this so hard?  Why is it making me cry and have that deep ache in my chest to see my boys start the next phase of their lives?

As I laid sobbing in bed, enfolded in Kevin's arms last week, he reminded me that Heavenly Father knows how I feel.  After all, He has sent His children away to learn and to grow.   That thought does bring me comfort and also strengthens me.

Remember friends, time goes by so fast.  One minute they are tiny babies and the next they are grown men.  Cherish the moments.

Wrestling is Family

Life is built with circumstances beyond our control.  Sometimes they are great and sometimes they just suck.  This was supposed to be Neil's year.  His senior year.  He had goals.  First, he decided he would play football.  His goals were to:  1.  Get noticed.  2.  Make first string Varsity.  3.  Get 75+ tackles.  He smashed those goals.  He also was voted Best defensive lineman and best defensive player by his peers.

He wanted to carry that momentum into his wrestling season.  He had goals there too.  The main one was to get on the medal stand at state.  He worked hard in the wrestling room.  Pushing through pain, illness, mental fatigue.  He coached kids club, he worked hard in his studies to keep his grades up.  He worked hard.  It seemed that after years of being plagued with mental weakness and injuries things would turn around this year.  He was wrestling solid, staying focused.  Even through losses, he learned, regrouped and moved forward.

Going into Ozark Conference, the first time since his freshman year, he was ready.  Didn't get the full results at the tournament he wanted but he still stayed focused on the steps needed to reach his goal.  He was ready for districts, the qualifying tournament that would get him to state.   Faltering a bit in one of his matches Friday night, he fell to the backside of his bracket.  Meaning he would have to fight his way back to reach his goal on Saturday.  He was ready, he was focused.  He fought through his first match.  Fought through his second match, wrestling solid.  He was one step closer.  Three seconds left and Neil in the lead when suddenly he goes down, his opponent jumps off of him and Neil screams in pain.  Three seconds left, Neil winning.  A knee injury.  It's all over for the season and there ends the chapter of his high school wrestling career.

Heartbreak....disbelief...why?  Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why couldn't he just reach this one goal?  Why did it slip through his fingertips?

As we were standing inside the treatment room with Neil and the athletic trainer, one of the coaches said he thought we were more upset than Neil.  I've pondered that statement for the past 24 hours.  Yes, we were upset.  But we haven't spent the past few years living our dreams through our kids, this wasn't about us.  They have their dreams, their goals and we support them...financially and emotionally.  It broke my heart to watch his dream shatter.

Then I saw this..

Neil's dad carrying him down the stairs after the tournament was over.  And I realized that wrestling has been so much more for Neil and our family than medals and what happens on the mat.  Don't get me wrong, those things matter but the bigger picture is so much grander than anything you can see.  Nearly every coach from all the other teams came and spoke to Neil after his match.  They were sincere in their words of encouragement.  So many wrestlers from different teams came and sat with him and talked to him, offering him support, encouragement and prayers.  His coaches, teammates and their families are a wealth of support and love to all of us.  That...that is what matters the most.  Wrestling is family.  One big, extended family that pulls together when the chips are down.  What a testament to who Neil has become as a result of wrestling.  His wrestling family carried him when he was down, emotionally and physically.  Wrestling is family.

Not Just a Bracelet...

A couple weeks ago I was at the lab in our local Military hospital when the young Soldier drawing my blood asked me about my bracelet.  He mentioned that he had seen quite a few people who wore them, mostly Soldiers, and he wondered what they were.  I looked at his young face and smiled and proceeded to tell them what the black bands were all about and then went on to tell him about the two Soldiers for whom my bracelet honored.  As he withdrew the needle and bandaged my arm, he put his hand on my arm and thanked me for sharing.  I looked at him and thanked him for asking.

Everyone wears the bracelet for different reasons.  9 years ago I made a promise to honor these men.  I promised to never forget.  The bracelet is a reminder to me of that promise.  Some people don't need the bracelet and I hope that even if I wasn't wearing the bracelet that I would still be doing my best to honor these men. 

It's weird to think that it's been 9 years since these men were called to Heaven.  I've had people ask me if I am ever going to stop wearing the bracelet.  I don't know.  Whether is 9 years or 49 years, I plan on doing all I can to never forget these men and the many others who were called home sooner than anyone anticipated. 

A couple months ago, Kevin's bracelet broke.  He has worn that bracelet for almost 9 years.  Slipping it on his wrist a few weeks after Bryant and Jose were called home.  I can count on one hand how many times he has taken it off and only out of necessity.  When he slipped it off after it broke, my heart ached when I looked at his face.  This bracelet was important to him.  I anticipated this moment and 9 years ago I had set aside an extra bracelet for him.  It's not just a bracelet to him.

I can't pretend to understand what the Herlem or Gomez family are going through on this day and I don't want to nor do I want to take anything away from them.  I'm simply sharing how important these men are to us and our promise to honor them the best way we know how. 

We live our life serving Soldiers, we try to honor both the living and the dead.  We wear a black band on our wrist...

It's not just a bracelet...it's a legacy.

I'm Okay With My Son Losing

We just finished up our last weekend of folkstyle state for kid's club.  It's the last one for our family as Daniel will head off to high school next year.  I can't even believe I just typed that!  Daniel did not reach his goal to be on the medal stand but it wasn't for lack of effort!  Saturday was a devastating day.  Daniel went out in his first match and won by pin.  He went to his second match and fought hard pushing the match into overtime and just falling short of the win.  He went out and won his 3rd match and he fought hard in his fourth but again went into overtime and just fell short.  I could have cried...I might have cried, I honestly don't know.  Daniel was devastated. 

I pondered all night and even yesterday and this is what I came to.  I'm okay with my son losing.  I mean as a parent, we need to teach our kids that it's okay to lose.  Losing stinks and it hurts but it can make kids have tremendous growth if you let it.  Daniel made the decision to stay for the rest of the tournament to support his teammates and friends.  I know how I felt watching everyone else, I can't imagine what it was like for him but he was amazing.  He cheered his friends on.  He hung around with other wrestlers from other teams and he turned a hard situation into a fun one.  It wasn't until medals were being awarded that he broke down.  He sat next to me in the stands, put his head in his lap and cried.  There was nothing I could say to make him feel better.  A friend sat next to him and talked to him, hugged him and made him feel better.

As terrible as that was, I am still okay with my son losing and this is why.  Through all of that, Daniel held his head up high.  After his loss that knocked him out of the running for a medal, he stood up, walked to the center of the mat, shook his opponents hand and even hugged him.  Yesterday as I watched the medal rounds, I saw kids and coaches screaming, throwing headgear and having tantrums when things didn't go their way.  I sat in front of a woman who complained to anyone who would listen using vulgar language for over 2 hours about her son's loss.  She even threatened to beat the other kid if he looked at her.  The kid is 7.  When her son sat next to her, she just told him over and over that he was the true winner.

Wrestling isn't always fair, I will say that.  You have one man as a referee who doesn't always see what we see or share the same opinion as we do as to what should be points or what shouldn't be.  It's frustrating.  Guess what?  Life's not fair either.  Sometimes things aren't what we think they should be in wrestling or life.  We need to teach our kids that just because their best efforts don't give us the results we want doesn't mean that they failed.  We need to encourage without taking away from others.  Why must we step on others to bring ourselves up and why are we teaching that to our kids?  Yes, it is frustrating when it seems that someone has an easier journey but we just have to take away that perhaps we have something to learn from our own path.  I was so proud of Daniel's actions on the mat and off the mat.  He was a good friend and good teammate.  I definitely learned from his example over the past couple days.

A smile during a tournament earlier in the season

He didn't step on others to make himself feel better.  If losing made him a better person than I am all for it.  This is but a moment in his life, he will look back at this and use it as motivation for the coming years as he continues his wrestling career.  Even if he never stepped on the mat again, I will forever be grateful for all that he has learned from this sport.

I'm Grateful for Perspective

November brings messages of Thanksgiving and plenty of food.  Yesterday when I woke up and pondered on what the day would bring, I was surprised that I wasn't feeling depressed that Michael wasn't here to celebrate the holiday.  I reflected on that for a moment and wondered how I could have such peace when in the past during separation from anyone in our family, I have felt extreme sadness.  What I realized quickly was that my heart had a deep understanding that Michael is exactly where he should be doing what the Lord wants him to be doing.  The slap in the face for me came when I realized that I should have felt that way during all of Kevin's deployments as well.  I say I know that the Lord has a plan for us but my fear and worry in those cases contradicts that.  I should have prayed for peace and understanding that Kevin was also on the Lord's errand, it just looked different than Michael's.

So many other missionary moms talk about their sadness and pain and I started to wonder if I was the weird one because I wasn't overcome with those emotions.  I fully expected to be as Michael prepared to go on his mission.  I mean, let's be serious, I am the mom that stresses when the kids drive themselves to school.  I almost had a heart attack a couple days ago when Neil drove to work out and it started snowing while he was gone.  What's interesting is that I don't have that anxiety when it comes to Michael being in a completely foreign county. 

Michael is on the Lord's errand and He is the one in control.  I can't be sad that Michael has been obedient and willing to do as his Heavenly Father has asked.  I need to be obedient and not live my life with fear and worry.  I need to exercise my faith that all will be well. Who better to watch over Him than his Father in Heaven?

Boys of Fall 2014 - Daniel

 Daniel had a great season.  He was a tackling machine!  He was frustrated that he was on "B" team but eventually just focused on going out there and doing his best.  He was happy just hitting people.  I am constantly amazed that my little boy is so athletic.  When he first started playing he was so awkward and now he is a force to be reckoned with.  I love the games where they announced names of those making tackles...#29 is a beast!!!

9/11/2014

I always think on this day that there isn't possibly anything else I can say about the events from now 13 years ago.  What's interesting is that every year I am taken back to the images and the emotions.  They are so clear.  I gauge how far we've come by where my kids are in life.  They were so young then and now our oldest has left the nest and is on his own adventure.  I remember being so scared that day wondering if I would ever be strong enough to let my boys leave the house again.  Obviously I have.  Now Michael is in Germany serving a mission for our church.  He still wants to join the Military when he gets back which amazes me.

Just last night Neil came home from college night talking about the Military recruiters he had chatted with.  He has always talked about joining the Military but we always thought it was just that.  Not only does he have a desire to serve in the Military but he wants to be a Navy Seal or Army Ranger.  His sense of duty and honor run deep.

Daniel still seems so young to me but he was just an infant that day.  He has known no different life other than that post 9/11.  He has grown up with Patriot Day and a dad who was gone more than he was home.  He learned the reality of war in a close intimate way when we lost a friend and spent many hours, days and months with his widow.  Daniel has such love and respect for our Fallen.

Our three boys know that 9/11 is more than a day to be remembered once a year.

Boys of Fall 2014 - Neil

 I love watching Neil wrestle but there is something awesome about watching him play football.  He didn't play last year and I didn't realize how much I missed watching him until his first game of this season.  I was overwhelmed with excitement!  It is so fun watching him on the field.  He really hoped to be on Varsity as a linebacker but those spots are taken by seniors this year.  He does play on kickoff and while it's not quite enough for him I'm happy to see him on the field every Friday night. 

He is a starter on his JV squad and is a beast.  It's funny to think that when he came home in 7th grade I was so nervous about him playing and now here he is, often a leader.  I am so proud of how far he has come and look forward to seeing him get even better.

Go #90!

 One of the things I love the most about Friday night football is watching the four boys from our church gather together in prayer before each game.  I love these tender moments!

I Am Doing Great!

Today my heart is full.  I love Sabbath Days when I come  home from church not only feeling uplifted but charged up to work harder to and do better!  We had so many good talks at church and then I had the opportunity to teach the last hour.  I feel like that lesson was meant for me and not really the girls I was teaching.

I love how each week when I go to church people ask me how Michael is doing and how I am doing.  I feel so proud to say with sincerity that I am doing good.  I really am doing well.  I really had no idea how I would be when Michael left but aside from the first day when our entire family was an emotional mess and another random day where I just missed him, I am doing great.  I realized right from his first email that he is happy to be where he is and that he is exactly where he is supposed to be.  He is serving the Lord and I just can't be sad about it.  I believe these feelings of peace and happiness are a big blessing from my Heavenly Father. 

Don't get me wrong, I miss Michael but I don't ache for him and I feel so lucky.  I know that our entire family has been affected by him leaving because we love him but we are happy for him.  We love to read his emails and imagine him writing them.  I love the pictures he sends and most of all I just love that he felt so strongly that this is what he was supposed to do.

We were a happy family before we made the decision to strengthen our relationship with our Savior but we are so much happier now.  I am eternally grateful for the two young men who sacrificed two years of their life to find us and so many others.  I cannot be selfish and be sad that my son wants to go out and teach others about our Savior's love and bring them unto Him.  This is the greatest act of paying it forward and I must have a willing heart and I do!

There are true blessings when you have a child out serving the Lord.  I have already seen them in just this short amount of time.  One thing I started since he left is a small blessings journal.  I am trying to keep track of little blessings.  Simple things like the fact that someone thought of our family for tickets to a concert or the willingness of more people than were needed to help transport some of the youth in our church.  I want to make sure I recognize ALL the things that my Father in Heaven blesses me with.

I can't express how humbled I feel by this experience so far.  If this first month is any indication of how the next 23 months will be, I know that we will be okay.  I'm not naive enough to believe we won't have hard moments or tribulation but because we know that this is part of Heavenly Father's plan, we know we can get through it!

I am so proud of Michael, my heart is full and our family is blessed.  Next time you ask me how I'm doing, please believe me when I say that I am doing GREAT!

"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth." 3 John 1:4

Michael's Missionary Name Tags

Girls Camp 2014

Another Girls Camp in the books.  It was another amazing time.  I admit that the weeks before camp I wasn't really feeling it.  Michael left just a few days before and that combined with Cub Scout Day Camp I conducted a few weeks earlier, I was just tired.  I love Girls Camp but it's a lot of work and sometimes I don't feel like doing it.  That being said, I am grateful that the Lord knows me better than I know myself and also instilled in me a deep sense of commitment.  I said I would do it and nothing would stop me.  I also felt strongly early on in the year that I was not to call a Girls Camp director and that continued right up until Girls Camp.

A couple days before Girls Camp, I felt at such peace with the fact that I was supposed to go.  Even when trying to get the two boys ready for a canoe trip that was planned after Kevin and I committed to go to Girls Camp.  I have so much anxiety when it comes to letting my boys go somewhere without Kevin or I.  Yes, I know they are big boys but it's just how I am.  I am especially over protective of Neil who people don't always understand and assume things about him.  It was a challenge.  After a lot of praying and humbling myself, I felt at peace with letting them go and letting others take care of them.

I really felt peace at camp that they were okay and we were okay.

My girls at camp were awesome.  I really do love each and everyone of them.  I appreciate that they were willing to put aside the luxuries of the world and take the opportunity to get closer to our Heavenly Father.  Some aspects of camping just aren't fun, we know that.  The heat, no showers, creepy crawlies.  But the bond you create with others your age, the growth in your testimonies, being able to just be you without pretense,  I love it!

St. Robert 1st Ward Young Women and Leaders

 We have the best Bishop and Bishop's wife.  We had so much fun on Bishop's night.  They brought ice cream (yum!) and played games with the girls.  The Bishop gave a great lesson on self worth but let's be real, the girls were looking forward to playing the games.  Our Bishop is probably one of the youngest in the Stake so it's always fun when he visits Girls Camp.  He's so competitive which makes the girls laugh.  Kevin joined in on the fun too so it was just that much more hilarious.  We have some insanely competitive girls in our ward so we're a loud bunch.  Apparently, all the other wards could hear the craziness from our camp site...oops!

I really enjoyed having Kevin out at Camp with me all week long.  It was a sacrifice for him to take that time off of work.  He has come out and helped set up camp or break it down in the past but never been able to stay the entire week.  He actually went out a day before I did and helped out so much.  I loved hearing the comments from others about how great he was.  Some of the girls made fun of us for being "so cute".  I told them they deserved to have a man just like him or even better.  We aren't perfect but we strive to be like Christ.  I admit I got a bit upset with him at times for hovering over me, he's so danged protective but I love it to.  I feel so blessed that he does watch over me and that he has raised our boys to do the same.

The last night of camp he gave this amazing devotional on the Armor of God.  He put on a bunch of his Army gear and it was just awesome.  I am constantly in awe of his testimony and knowledge of the gospel.

One of the highlights for me was being able to do a sunrise hike with our girls.  It was a huge sacrifice as we got up at 4 a.m.  I think most of us were still asleep as we walked the 1.5 miles to the location we were going to watch the sun rise.  It was gorgeous and such a reminder to me of the beauty the Lord has created for us. 

Kevin & I the morning of the sunrise hike.

If I were to be honest, the actual highlight of camp for me was getting an email from Michael.  I did my best to adhere to the electronics fast that the girls had to.  I actually didn't have my phone on most of the time but would occasionally check it to see if I had messages from Neil or Daniel.  When I checked my phone Thursday morning, there was a beautiful email from Michael.  I felt so lucky that I got to read it with Kevin.  I also read it to some of the girls and it was just amazing being able to share it with them and talk about some of the things he mentioned.  You can read his email on his blog.

One of the repetitive themes throughout camp was to do hard things and I feel I did that.  The Lord asked me to send my son overseas on a mission for two years, I did.  He asked me to have faith that there are others who would watch over and keep my boys safe on a canoe trip, I did that.  He promised me a wonderful experience at Girls Camp where I could connect with my girls, I feel I accomplished that.  He gave me time to spend with my husband and gave me the opportunity to really appreciate all he does for our family and others.  There may have been challenges but there were far more blessings.